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The girl who faced unexpected death; Common App/ Person of Significant Influence

AmelieValerie 1 / 2  
Dec 24, 2012   #1
Here is my essay. I manage to write it overnight and I have some second thoughts about submitting it. However, my first deadline it Jan 1 so I better hurry up:)

Please, comment me on your general opinion. When I was writing it I tried so hard to make it look like a conversation between me and the reader but I do not think that I have managed to do so. Also, it would be great if you could make any corrections or add flourish words to my essay (being non-native speaker makes fluent writing a rather perplexing task).

And can you help me with a title? Will be happy to hear any ideas!
Thanks for your time! I wish you all to get acceptance letter from your dream school.
So here it is:

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

As long as I remember I have always had that strong itch for making a difference and searching for things I can do to improve our world. Whenever I have faced any kind of unfairness, I have always made an effort to amend it for the people around me.

This year I encountered with [a story about an]unexpected death. There was a girl, somewhere in the world. At the moment of her death she was merely thirty. She had dreams, expectations, beliefs, hopes, experiences, and thoughts. Probably, she was willing to share them with world. Possibly, she left lots of words unspoken. Perhaps, she could have changed something. But now she had become deaf. Blind. Numb. Dead. That girl, was she special to anyone? Maybe. But did she feel like that at the moment of her death? There was no one to take care of her. She had no family. She had no friends. Three days before her death she changed her profile picture into an image of clocks. She had no idea how right she was.

When I heard that story, I couldn't think about anything else for a long time. I was looking at her photos over and over, trying to make sense out of it. I could not. What if the hugest impact, the most meaningful input she had on fleeting life was her death?

I was amazed by her. That girl had so many plans; she was poetic and ambitious. Yet she did not realize any of her potential. I believe that the reason I took her death so close to my heart is because on some conscious level I related to her. I was thinking a lot about this situation and realized that there must be something better than this. Where am I right now? I am in a constant search of that better place. When I look at myself I see so many things I have to say to the world, [and] I believe I can influence [something?]. I am willing to become a role model for someone. I want to inspire. And I know that life is short. I understand that I have to take my chances right now because this is the perfect time for me to experiment, to explore myself, to conquer the world, to chase my aspirations. Live in another continent. See the enchantment in life. Be honest. Feel free. Act young. Take advantages of all the opportunities. Pursue dreams.

That girl had become my motivation to never settle for less and take the most challenging paths in my life. Because of her influence I raised money for an orphanage, took demanding classes and volunteered. She made me think big, she helped me to find the right direction. Not a day after the moment she left this world has gone by that I do not thank her for changing my life.
sticknstones - / 11 5  
Dec 24, 2012   #2
I think its good. The only criticism I have it that you develop your relationship with this woman a little late considering the word limit of the common app. Maybe try and tell why she is important to you a little earlier for the reader.

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