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UC prompt 1: Girl Gamer in Chinese Society


shirley127 3 / 17 1  
Nov 26, 2012   #1
Please be harsh when grading this essay because I want to get into a good school.
Also please compare this to my previous essay on the same topic, My grandma, my rock.

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"Welcome to summoner's rift!" The game welcomes me as I relax in front of the computer to connect with people from all around the world through one simple online game. Initially, my parents disapproved of my extracurricular activity. They felt that gaming was not part of their plan for me.

Since I was a young child, my parents have prepped me for a future that they were not fortunate enough to have. They wanted me to follow their vision of success: a doctor, a lawyer, or a pharmacist. In elementary school, my mother would drill multiplication tables into my head as she walked me to school. She enrolled me in Chinese school classes where I sat in a classroom and listened to the teacher talk for three hours. I now realize that this was the way my parents showed their love for me, by wishing for my success. However, as I grew, so did my realization that I didn't want to become a doctor or a lawyer.

By the time I entered high school, I was so tightly wound with the pressure to do well in school that one of the ways I found stress relief was through League of Legends. League of Legends is an online strategy game where teams competed against each other to reach the enemy base. I was enraptured by the technology that the other players didn't see. I wondered how the simple computer language could code for a game so complex. The most amazing part of the game was how people from all around the globe could play together. That was when I realized that I wanted to know more about programming and how to create software that connected people in such a way. I became aware that I wanted to major in Computer Science.

I was reluctant to tell my parents about my discovery. I was worried that my Western ideas would clash with their Chinese philosophies. To my surprise, they were pleased to see that I had finally found something that I was so interested in. They had researched about computer fields and the opportunities it could lead to. My parents used technology to research about new ideas. I was even more inspired to go into the field of Computer Science to create technology that international people could use to connect with each other and learn about different ideas. My parents disciplined me to work hard, and they have taught me to use all my knowledge to help me in the future. My parents truly cared about my happiness more than any amount of money could compete with. I plan to continue to work towards my dream until the announcer declares that the game has ended with victory.

- does it sound wordy?
- does it seem like I'm bitter towards my parents? I'm not. I swear.
Thank you for your time.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Nov 26, 2012   #2
my parents havepreppedprepared me for a future that they were not fortunate enough to havecould not achieve in life.

typo?

In elementary school, my mother would drill multiplication tables into my head as shewhen we walked me to school.

------ otherwise it sounds a little slang :D

She enrolled me in Chinese school classes where I sat in a classroom and listened to the teacher talking non stop for three hours.

However, as I grew, so did my realizationI found my inner resistance to what they wanted me to become;that I didn't want to becomerejected the idea of becoming a doctor or a lawyer.
OP shirley127 3 / 17 1  
Nov 26, 2012   #3
I revised the essay with my teacher, and he almost changed my entire essay. Please read this essay. Thank you.

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"Welcome to Summoners' Rift!" The game voice announces as I relax in front of the screen to connect with people from all around the world through one simple online game. Initially, my parents disapproved of my extracurricular activity. Gaming was not part of their plan for me.

Ever since I was a little girl, my parents have prepared me for a future they could not achieve in their own life. Their vision of success: a doctor, a lawyer, or a pharmacist - the usual crew of imposing degrees. In elementary school, my mother would drill multiplication tables into my head as we walked to school. She enrolled me in Chinese school classes where I sat in a classroom and listened to the teacher talk non-stop for three hours. With each shrill enunciation of Cantonese, punctuated by the teacher's clearing of her throat, brought another drop of resentment, which, drop by drop, formed a wall between my parents and me. I now realize that this was the way my parents showed their love for me. I determined to never be a doctor, a lawyer, or a pharmacist. Instead, I entertained the thoughts of becoming a very articulate street juggler.

By high school, I was so tightly wound with the pressure to do well in school, that I sought sanctuary through League of Legends, an online strategy game where teams compete to reach the enemy base. I was mesmerized by the technology that the other players took for granted. I wondered how this simple computer language could code for a game so complex. Most amazing was how people from all around the globe could play together in real time. That was when I realized that I wanted to know more about programming and how to create software that connects people in such a way. I had stumbled on a major: Computer Science.

I was reluctant to tell my parents about my discovery, worried that my Western ideas would clash with their Chinese philosophy. To my surprise, they were pleased to see that I had a passion for learning. They had researched opportunities in Information Technology. Most inspiring was that I would be working in a field which, contrary to the view of some, does more to dissolve walls between people and countries than it does divide the. Frost said, "Something there is that doesn't love a wall." That last though came pouring down my mind... and my face.
aleckdanielle 2 / 23 6  
Nov 26, 2012   #4
I almost want you to say "however as I grew...I didn 't want to become a doctor, lawyer or a pharmacist" for repitition.

other than that, I think the essay is solid.
OP shirley127 3 / 17 1  
Nov 26, 2012   #5
Would you mind check my revised essay in the comments? Thank you.
aleckdanielle 2 / 23 6  
Nov 26, 2012   #6
The game voice announcED. To stay consistent with the past tense.

Explain how the Chinese school and drilling of multiplication tables into your head showed your parents love for you.

I feel like the second and third paragraph are disconnected, like it needs something to tie them in together.
Doom 13 / 37 2  
Nov 27, 2012   #7
listened to the teacher talk non-stop for three hours
listened to the teacher drone on for hours

Instead, I entertained the thoughts of becoming a very articulate street juggler.
I even briefly entertained the thoughts of becoming a very articulate street juggler.

By high school, I was so tightly wound with
By high school, I was so tightly wound up with

Just some suggestions. you dont have to take them.

Overall, i like how you use LOL. its unique and i rarely see anyone trying this method. Perhaps you can talk more about why you were fascinated with games? Like perhaps how complex and visually beautiful events on the screen are in fact just long lines of code.
OP shirley127 3 / 17 1  
Nov 28, 2012   #8
Thank you. I'll keep that in mind.

Is there anything I can add? I revised my essay, and it's only around 400 words. My other essay is also 400 words. Concise is good, but I also heard that they look at the word limit to see how much you can write.
mrkrishan 2 / 15 3  
Nov 28, 2012   #9
Haha loved the Welcome to Summoner's Rift I haven't been able to LoL at all busting my ass off on college essays. Yours is great btw and the end makes it seem like you appreciate your parents, not that you are bitter towards them. Good luck! And also critique my prompt 1 if you have time please! Stressing out cause I'm not a good writer like you, yet nobody will reply to my essay!


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