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A girl who loves engineering; WHAT motivated you to apply Rice Unversity?


nicolezmh1997 6 / 30 8  
Oct 26, 2014   #1
Hi! This is my why school essay. I know there may be some grammatical errors or awkward expression. Thus, I appreciate any kind of help from you!

Besides, I don't know how to write a good conclusion to my essay. Some friends suggest that I could mention the admission officer who came to our school weeks ago to conclude my essay and to show my determination as well as passion to go into the Rice University.Is this a good idea or not?

If it isn't a good idea, I wonder how I should conclude my essay without cliche, and with creativity.
I really appreciate for your help since the deadline is quite soon :(

How did you first learn about Rice University and what motivated you to apply? (250 word limit)

A Styrofoam block, a bottle of glue, several battens. I , a ten-year-old girl, tried to transform materials into a model bridge. The dream of becoming an engineer seeded in my heart since then, and thrived when I asked for career suggestion from a current student in Rice University three years ago.

"A woman engineer? Strive for the best to be a Rice Owl!" What did "Rice Owl" mean? I started to search the information: that was the turning point of my life; my personal encounter with Rice University.

[...]
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 26, 2014   #2
Some friends suggest that I could mention the admission officer who came to our school weeks ago to conclude my essay and to show my determination as well as passion to go into the Rice University.Is this a good idea or not?

- It's never a good idea to mention that you met an admissions officer. It is an even worse idea to mention what transpired during that meeting. It would be like trying to name drop and exert influence over the opinion of the current admissions officer reviewing your application. My advice is, don't do it :-) Let your essay apps pass or fail on its own merits that way you won't feel bad if mentioning something that you hoped would have had a positive effect did not have any effect at all.

Besides, I don't know how to write a good conclusion to my essay.

- Nicole, don't worry, I will help you polish this essay just like the others :-) We will polish this till it gleams in your eyes :-)

Now for the essay content itself. Nicole, will you be extremely angry if I ask you to revise the essay because this current version does not answer the prompt? The question being asked is

How did you first learn about Rice University and what motivated you to apply?

Discuss the meeting with the Rice student in great detail instead. Explain what kind of impact that meeting with her had on you. Tell us about the things that she told you about the university, its academy and student community. What image did that conjure in your head about your future at the university? Among all the things that you learned about the university from the student, what was the information that had the most impact upon you that made you decide to apply to the university ?

Those are the kinds of information that will answer the prompt and will help to create a positive image of yourself with the admissions officer.

By the way, to answer a question you posed in a previous thread, you will learn about creative writing in college. It is actually something that is taught at the high school level in most American high schools but since you did not go to an American high school, you may need to enroll in a creative writing class or two in college as an elective if it is not offered as part of the course curriculum but is offered as an optional course instead :-)
OP nicolezmh1997 6 / 30 8  
Oct 26, 2014   #3
Hi, Vangiespen. Actually, I did not have a face-to-face meeting with that Rice student.
Therefore, i need to contruct the scene with imagination. Could you give me a template for my intro paragraph?
I would try to further revise on that template.
I appreciate for your help!:)
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 26, 2014   #4
Nicole, I will need information from you in order to construct a template since I was not present at the meeting. If you can give me the necessary information such as how you met the student and what discussion transpired, I should be able to come up with something for you. Since this was not an actual meeting, it will be a very bad idea to create a scene for it. Instead, I am envisioning how I can take the scene as it happened to you and then make it interesting to read about. I may be able to come up with some suggestions for the introduction treatment when I hear more from you about it. Give me any and all the information that you think I should know about the meeting you had so that I can develop a idea of how it might have transpired and how to translate that into the essay :-) I look forward to that post from you soon. Time is running November 1 is practically around the corner so we have to move fast :-)
OP nicolezmh1997 6 / 30 8  
Oct 26, 2014   #5
Hi, Vangiespen.
Actually, our meeying started on a chatting app. We talked about the atmosphere in Rice: all students and faculty are pretty nice. Students have easy access to do projects and collaborate with other students. The facilities for doing project are quite easy to access. And he discussed about the renowned engineering school in Rice University. Moreover, he told me about the brilliant scenes of the modern city, Houston, where Rice Universiy is located. He also talked about the great opportunities students have to interact with professors, lectures and other students.

I could only recall those information now.
Do those info enough?
nickyzhi 8 / 21 8  
Oct 26, 2014   #6
wow, Rice U is a gooooood university, I think if it's your personal statement for your apply, you's better find a expert organization to revise your letter, that would be more wise.

Good luck!
mayradio0508 2 / 4  
Oct 26, 2014   #7
Hey, I actually really like your essay, especially since you used really specific details. I do agree, though, that you should include some more background info. about what how you heard about Rice/ what encouraged you to apply. Good luck!
OP nicolezmh1997 6 / 30 8  
Oct 27, 2014   #8
Dear Vangiespen,
Have you seen my latest post about the additional information about the meeting??
i am looking forward to receiving your reply!
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 27, 2014   #9
Hi Nicole :-) Sorry about not getting back to you sooner. Errands got in the way. I like the information that you provided. You should actually use that for the introduction part of your essay. This explains what motivated you to look into the course offerings and learning programs at Rice University in relation to your Engineering major. Build your essay around the chats that you had with the student and remember to focus on how you felt as you heard these things. Relate how it motivated you to look up the university online and how you continued to fall in love with the academic and social community of Rice through your research and chats. This will be a unique perspective on how a person can actually be motivated by a virtual environment into learning about a real university and what it has to offer its students. I believe that it could actually set apart your essay from the others and make it notable to the admissions officer. Would you like to give it a try by writing your introduction? I will of course be here to assist you every step of the way. I won't go anywhere until you get it polished :-)
OP nicolezmh1997 6 / 30 8  
Oct 27, 2014   #10
Dear Vangiespen,
I really appreciate that you could reply me so soon after I posted my reply. The draft below is my revised version. However, I think the introduction is quite dull and sound awkward :(

"Engineering? Strive for the best to be a Rice Owl! " The boy who was a current student in Rice University said to me excitedly.

"What is the atmosphere in the Rice Universitt?"
"Nice. Everyonge has his or her academic pursuit which could be fulfill by easily discussing with professors or by doing research."
"Really?" I started to research the information: that was the turning point of my life; my personal encounter with Rice University.
What I first noticed is the the Rice residential college system. Living in Rice where each eleven residential college has its own tradition, constitution and parliament, I would feel like belong in a warm and inspiring home. I am even more excited to participate in ome special activities such as Beer Bike and annual theater production, which students could attend in by the unit of their own college. This experience in the college life is an unparalleled opportunity for me to not only get easy access to school's event but also add onto campus's diversity.

Moreover, I am deeply attracted by Rice's ease on conducting interdisciplinary research with professional faculty members, even academic leaders in some fields of study. While I participated in environmental club for three years in high school, I discovered the importance of solving energy shortage issues. Thanks for the Rice Energy Program(REP) in Energy and Environmental Systems Institute(EESI), I can merge my academic interests in mathematics with my personal concern for global issues.

Besides, I highly admire Rice's focus on engaging directly with the city of Houston through collaborative, community-based research and design. As an enthusiastic participator of service projects in high school, I would like to further involve myself in the center of Civic Leadership, addressing challenging issues of Houston citizens.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 27, 2014   #11
"Engineering? Strive for the best to be a Rice Owl! " The boy who was a current student in Rice University said to me excitedly.

- This is a problem. You presented the dialogue without clarifying the situation behind the conversation. Instead of this exchange of dialogue, you should just simply state that you heard about Rice University through a chat room where you met a student. Discuss the conversation that you had and what you learned from him about Rice. Make sure to emphasize that this was the point when you first heard about and became enthralled by the possibility of attending Rice. This will be the introductory hook that we need for the essay.

What I first noticed is the the Rice residential college system. Living in Rice where each eleven residential college has its own tradition, constitution and parliament, I would feel like belong in a warm and inspiring home. I am even more excited to participate in ome special activities such as Beer Bike and annual theater production, which students could attend in by the unit of their own college. This experience in the college life is an unparalleled opportunity for me to not only get easy access to school's event but also add onto campus's diversity.

- Where and how did you learn about this? Let us know where the Rice information comes from so that we know that it is an accurate source of university information.

diversity.
Moreover, I am deeply attracted by Rice's ease on conducting interdisciplinary research with professional faculty members, even academic leaders in some fields of study. While I participated in environmental club for three years in high school, I discovered the importance of solving energy shortage issues. Thanks for the Rice Energy Program(REP) in Energy and Environmental Systems Institute(EESI), I can merge my academic interests in mathematics with my personal concern for global issues.

- How do you plan to do that? How will Rice help you do that? What subjects are you interested in taking in relation to this interest?

Besides, I highly admire Rice's focus on engaging directly with the city of Houston through collaborative, community-based research and design. As an enthusiastic participator of service projects in high school, I would like to further involve myself in the center of Civic Leadership, addressing challenging issues of Houston citizens.

- This needs more work. I guess we will polish this part as we improve the prior parts of the essay :-)
OP nicolezmh1997 6 / 30 8  
Oct 27, 2014   #12
Dear Vangiespen,
Thank you so much for giving me valuable suggestion!
However, I still don't know how to construct an appealing introduction for my essay. Could you provide me a template? I really appreciate for your help!

I have already revised the other part of my essay.
I look forward to receiving your reply!

That was my personal encounter with Rice University.
OP nicolezmh1997 6 / 30 8  
Oct 28, 2014   #13
Dear Vangiespen,
I revised your template. What about this version?

My personal encounter with Rice University started form the emails.
"Hope you would be a Rice Owl." The email from Iker, a current student in Rice University, struck me to recall the Duncan Hall, the OEDK, and the Martel College, all the things that we had discussed via email during these months. When I was listening to Rice's unconventional traditions, Houston's beneficial location, the wish to attain into Rice University seeded in my heart. Then the wish thrived into a determination: to be a Rice Owl.

By doing school research, what I first noticed is the Rice residential college system. Living in Rice where each residential college has its own tradition, constitution and parliament, I would feel like belong in a warm and inspiring home. I am even more excited to participate in special activities such as O-week, Beer Bike and annual theater production, which students could attend in by the unit of their own colleges. This would be an unparalleled opportunity for me to not only get easy access to school's events but also add my personal strength onto campus's diversity.

Moreover, I am deeply attracted by Rice's ease on conducting interdisciplinary research with professional faculty members, even academic leaders in some fields of study. I discovered the importance of solving energy shortage issues through my three years involvement in school's environmental club in high school.Thanks for the Energy and Environmental Systems Institute(EESI) in Rice University, I can not only apply my academic knowledge to real world challenges but also find a practical way to solve the concern for global energy and environmental issues. In the interdisciplinary program called Rice Energy Program(REP), I trust that I could advance my understanding of energy issues and use analytic techniques learning from Computational and Applied Mathematics in George R. Brown Engineering School to facilitate development of technological solutions, and ultimately, to improve the energy efficiency.

Besides, I highly admire Rice's focus on engaging directly with the city of Houston through collaborative, community-based research and design. As an enthusiastic participator of service projects in high school, I would like to further involve myself in the center of Civic Leadership, addressing challenging issues of Houston citizens.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 28, 2014   #14
My personal encounter with Rice University started form the emails.
[...] into a determination: to be a Rice Owl.

- Nicole, this is too blunt. You need an introduction. We need to know how you met this person and why he would have such an influence on you. What were the things you discussed in the past? Surely it was not this curt and unappealing. Where is the excitement of Iker when talking about Rice? His happiness at being at Rice should have been infectious for you which is why you were influenced to look deeper into Rice in the first place. Show us the basis of the friendship and the development of his influence on your decision to look into Rice as a potential university for you. That will help show the kind of motivated students Rice has enrolled at the moment who can influence others into considering their school for their own higher studies :-)


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