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"my Girl Scout leaders" - university of florida addmision essay.


jokichrun 2 / 3  
Aug 12, 2009   #1
I dont want to change it around to much but i need it to be 500 words and it's 685 words and i dont know what to do. please help.

Topic: Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life
and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to
the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your
school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of
school.

ESSAY:
As all the kids clapped and my Girl Scout leaders for the past 12 years cried, I stood there thinking "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end". And those 12 years of work had finally paid off. Then I saw my mom in the back of everybody just standing there smiling, smiling because she was proud.

We were at jamboree, it's where all the girl scouts in the county come together for a weekend and camp and do all the traditional girl scout activities. And my troop and I are older now so we were asked to help out because they were short on help, so we figured why not because it might be the last year we ever get to do this because were all going to start going away to college soon.

So there we were the last night of jamboree going over are skit (at jamboree we have a night were everybody comes together and all the different troops make up a skit or learn a song to perform in front of everybody) that are troop came up with, it was about our journey through girl scouts all the things we accomplished, and how were all still friends, and how much everything we did benefited us and the people around us.

Our leader talked about how we all have become leaders in our own way from finishing the bronze to the silver to the gold award. Then she got to the part where she told about my gold award, I stared thinking about what she was saying. Like how much I've grown from being in girl scouts. I started out insanely shy and I would only open up if I really new you, but everybody soon figured out that, that stage was only going to last for about the time I was in daisy's. But then as I got older and by the time we finished are silver award she noticed how I would willingly take charge, and want to get things done. That same drive didn't change at all once I started my gold award, and I think it was in accomplishing my gold award that I discovered what I want to do when I'm in college, major in elementary education. Now you're probably wondering what was my gold award . There's a foster home in my neighborhood called the Gabriel house that gives homes to physically challenged kids, and Hannah was a baby that they were soon going to adopt from India. When they found her she was in a cage, blind and missing both of her eyes. While Ann Ravish the director of the orphanage told me about her and how all the baby was going to have when she came over were the cloths on her back.

I knew what I had to do.
Over the course of a couple months I held 9 baby showers with Girl Scout troops, family and friends. At all of them I had made cupcakes for everybody we played traditional baby shower games and everybody brought a present for the baby. Now since Ann couldn't make it to all the bay showers; I would have everybody open up a different gift than there own so everybody could see what each had gotten. Then I re-rapped them and gave them to Ann. It was a long couple of months but I loved having the baby showers because the kids were awesome and they made it so much fun. Plus in the end I had collected 400+ items for Hannah, which was amazing because when I finally got to see her I knew she deserved those things more than anybody. From that experience I learned that you have to do whatever you can to help people, I learned to put everything I have towards a cause because in the end it will really pay off. Plus I showed myself how great of a leader I can be, and I know at UF I can put my skills to work, and learn how to be the best person I can be there.
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 12, 2009   #2
From that experience I learned that you have to do whatever you can to help people, I learned to put everything I have towards a cause because in the end it will really pay off. Plus I showed myself how great of a leader I can be, and I know at UF I can put my skills to work, and learn how to be the best person I can be there.

This is the only part that answers the question. The rest of the story is a little drawn out. You also write in a casual tone in some sentences.

"every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"

Awkward structure.

Now you're probably wondering what was my gold award .

You should organize your essay so that you don't jump around like this.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 12, 2009   #3
I thought it was okay!

(That's the comment you gave to another user. Not so helpful, eh? Be more helpful to others, and I will be more helpful to you.)
OP jokichrun 2 / 3  
Aug 13, 2009   #4
sorry i suck at the hole righting thing (obviously) and i dont feel like i should be telling other people how to fix there essays and so on but it said i needed to reply to 2 so i was like what do i do
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 13, 2009   #5
S orry,I suck at the w hole writ ing thing (obviously) and I don' t feel like I should be telling other people how to fix their essays,and so on but it said I needed to reply to two, so I was like, " what do I do?"

What you can do is offer your honest response as a reader (not a writer). Did the essay draw you in and keep your attention or did you find yourself becoming bored or distracted while reading it? Did it seem to answer the prompt? Was information missing? Was there too much information? Etc.

By reading other people's writing carefully, you will improve your own writing. So, this is not just a requirement of the forum, but an essential element of your own process of becoming a better writer.


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