Hi, I am applying as a freshman undergraduate to several different colleges through the common application. I wasn't all too sure what to write about and I just ended up with this. It would be great if I could get some feedback on my essay. Is the essay too childish? What should I include or omit? Thank you so much for your help!
Prompt:
Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
I am the girl sitting in the farthest corners of the room, comforted by the peaceful isolation. I look upon my only escape from reality and I wander into the depths of a whole new world. I don't know what it is about the pile of pages sitting on my lap, and I can't put into words this feeling of wonder and excitement that overwhelms me. I am relaxed. The words are scattered across the blank canvas of imagination. They are the fables, the legends, and the ideas of anything imaginable. And they contain the stories of monsters, heroes, and gods that entice me. This is my safe haven, where I am never alone. So, why doesn't anyone understand? I am not lonely. I was never completely alone to begin with. I merely get lost in the pages, losing myself to a realm of possibility.
My eyes look across the hundreds of titles, searching for the ones I know will lure me; books of fiction, fantasy, and romance. I spot a title that brings a smile to my face, the first story I lost myself in. I know the title and author by heart and I will always remember the plot that brought everything together. I know exactly where it should be, the first title on my bookshelf, tucked safely away. Its name is Maximum Ride: The Angel Experiment, written by my favorite author, James Patterson. It is and always will be the first book that I lost myself in.
Ever since I was a child, I have always been fascinated with books. When I would come home after school, I would rush to my bookshelf to pick the next adventure I would undergo. Fantastical stories are my favorite. I enjoy the idea of super powers and the supernatural, which come to life in every book that I read. I frequently ask myself, "What if the supernatural were real? Or What if I could teleport?" The thought has always crossed my mind. I imagine a world without cliques and bullies, where everyone feels welcome and loved; a place where anything is possible. However, I know it doesn't really exist. So, I go back to reality and I acknowledge that there is evil and corruption in the world and the only thing that I can do, is to fight the demons that plague my life and to face the terrors that make me feel less of myself. I am my own person and I like who I am. I accept that I am different from others and that I find no greater pleasure in life than reading a good book. Reading is my safe haven and nothing can change that.
halo Tina, here are my thoughts for your story. I hope it can be helpful
I amwasthe girl sitting in the farthest corners ...
I looked upon my only escape from reality and I wandered into the depths of ...
I don'tdid not know what it iswas about the pile (...), and I can'tcould not put into words (...) and excitement that overwhelms me . I am relaxed. The words arewere scattered across the blank ...
They arewere the fables, the legends, and ...
And they contained the stories of monsters, heroes, and gods that enticeenticing me. This iswas my safe haven, where I amwas never alone. So, why doesn'tdid not anyone understand? I amwas not lonely.
I merelygetgot lost in the pages, losing ...
Hi Tina,
Nice essay, but for your improvement, this is some suggestions for you.
1. I am athe girl who is sitting in the farthest ...
2. comforted by the peaceful isolation. I may suggest this "accompanied by peaceful solitude."
3. I look upon my only escape from reality and I ...
Looking forward for having escape from this reality and wondering sink into the depth of the new world.
4. My eyes look across the hundreds of titles,
My eyes looking around for hundreds of titles
5. searching for the ones I know will lure me
searching for the most attracted one
6. " Iknow the title and author by heart and I will always remember ...." Well this sentence quite confusing actually, in order to make it easier to understand, maybe it will be better that you have clear idea and modify your word compositions.
7. Ever since I was a child, I have always ...
Since I was a child, I have been fascinating by books.
Over all, this important that you have made your framework for each paragraph before you start writing the whole essay. It helps you to make your idea clearly stated. You may also notice the composition of your writing, the subject-verb agreement and the structure.
But, this writing proofs that you have a willingness to practice writing, it's a good thing.
Good luck.
