"an all girls Catholic school" - Diversity

Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

Attending an all girls Catholic school in the Detroit suburbs, opportunities rarely arose in which I was able to interact with those economically or racially different than myself. Most of the people that surrounded me were made from the same mold: white, upper-middle class, and Christian. A high school volunteer experience first provided me the opportunity to connect with those from a vastly different environment than mine.

I spent the summer preceding my junior year tutoring first through fifth graders at the Sarah Fisher Home in Detroit. The children that I worked with were African-American, many were living on welfare, and a number of them came from dysfunctional families. Initially, I worried that I might not be able to connect with the students. Upon meeting them, however, I realized how illogical my worries were.

I spent three hours per day, three days each week, drilling the children in multiplication tables and spelling words, sometimes becoming exasperated with their endless energy and short attention spans, other times bursting with laughter over their playful childhood stories. Despite the immense background differences, I found that these children reminded me of my own siblings. As one young boy bombarded me with paper airplanes he created, I immediately thought back to the days of paper airplane wars with my own brothers. In many ways, we were like a family at the Sarah Fisher Home, laughing, learning, and creating memories together.

This experience instilled in me a respect for individuals of all backgrounds and the knowledge to throw away prejudgments. I hope to carry this appreciation and respect with me to the University of Michigan.

did you not have this before? or did this experience only help you reinforce this or waht? i think this just needs some work.

i love the realness of your essay. you know how you say "white" then you get a little bit more proper then say "african american" later (idk thats the stuff i notice).

you do have a passive/active voice thing here:
The children that I worked with were African-American...

change this too
I worked with African-American children, some on welfare, and many who came from dysfunctional homes.

do u see the difference with the bold part? thats difference between the active and passive voice. plus itll save you a few words.

also, you didnt tackle the religion part of the african american children, but you did say they came from dysfunctional homes. i think you should leave out the christian part in the beginning and say something like "close knit families" (something wayyy less cliche though). you also say their world was VASTLY different. if you want to show how vastly different, i think you needd more than just skin color, money, and religion to show that. (in other words, consider taking out that word vastly. remember, you were supposed to have learned a "lesson" from this. not feel sorry for the "poor black kids" get it?)

i cant say anything else. i really like it. it answers the prompt. you link yourself to it professionally (by saying the anecdote about your brother) its sorta perfect in a way. gj!

good luck!