This is for a bunch of colleges with the general prompt:
Elaborate on your extracurricular activities, hobbies or work experiences.
(Max- 250 words)
Girls, girls girls. There, I said it, okay? I don't care how it sounds, I'm gonna be honest. I'm obsessed with them. My life doesn't revolve around them, my thoughts don't revolve around them, I revolve around them. And that "I,"my friend, is italicised to the fullest- yah, its so slanted its almost horizontal. Its a sleeping I. A sleeping I, okay?
No, I don't see them as objects. I'm the object! Yes, I respect them. I respect everything about them. I'm so crazy about them, I can't even pay attention to what they say. A girl comes up to me and goes "Hey there, whats up?"
I'll hear- "Girl girl, girlgirl?"
You know, I'de simply copy and paste girl 249 times (not 250 times cuz like, I had to write it once first, right? and then if I pasted it 249 times I'de get 250 words. Smart, huh?) but copy-pasting so many times is damn painful. I mean, you have to hold Ctrl with your pinky and viciously punch V so many times...Its like finger-murder, okay?
I met my first girl when I was thirteen. She was reading a magazine and I was trying to read what her t-shirt said. I was having difficulty, the text was warped. And I mean, mega warped, like those lame PowerPoint text effects. It was almost like it was written on spheres or something. I did the best I could,
"milK AND COOkies" it read. I looked up after deciphering the writing. She was glaring straight at me.
Her mouth opened, and she said something. And what she said, changed how I saw girls forever. She went,
"Girl girl girlgirlgirl, girlgirl pervert!
Hmm... This is unique. So unique I wonder if you're serious... Colleges might accept this as quirky and funny or discard it for not being serious.
Thanks, I'll consider. I have an ultra-serious main essay and a lot of intellectually fertile supplements to back up my seriousness, I'm just worried about the Admissions Officer-hope he/she isnt a feminist.
and OHMIGOSH!! comments from girls :D
I agree with ktcat4002...you're applying to a "bunch of colleges" and with each college, there's a very low chance that the admission readers will appreciate that the best hobby you could think of was "girls". The only time that your "obsession" with girls worked was with your Princeton true love (that's was really good:)). If you're using satire and simply making fun of the people whose lives revolve around girls, I don't think they'll get the joke. They might, but I would just be safe and change the topic.
the straightforwardness is much appreciated. I'll go for something solid.
you must be a guy :(
Sorry, I didn't mean to be mean :(
I was just trying to say that you should make this one a bit more professional because all your colleges will be seeing this response.
I'm a girl :)
MrLaughEveryday, why aren't you MsLaughEveryday???
I think it's written too colloquially. haha And I think you might want to change the entire topic. It could be offensive to any adult woman. They probably wouldn't like the fact that you are women obsessed or that you can't take anything women say seriously. And if some women on school admissions boards do find it funny, I feel like the chance of being offensive is wayy too high.
I thought it was kind of funny. And that "kind of" is italicized to the fullest. The best part of it was "Girl girl, girlgirl," but that was kind of cliche. The rest of the essay was kind of cliche, too. And it kind of seems like you were blazed while writing this.
Hahahaha! I really enjoy reading your essay! After reading a lot of essays, adcom will see your essay as an elixir.
As long as you know what you're doing, go for it! It's risky in a way but it's unique!
By the way, dont submit it to school start with "saint..." :))
I really hope you were not serious with this essay. Besides the fact that it makes you sound like a testosterone overdosed teenager, it does nothing for your future prospects as a responsible, sensible professional. If you were applying for a course in say fashion photography or garment designing perhaps it might make sense - is that what you are planning? As an engineer, microbiologist, pschoanalyst, historian, how does being obsessed with girls do anything for you? Adcom might wonder whether you would be too distracted to pay any attention to your studies.
im a prospective writer : )
i think this essay is very risky. your essay contains almost everything that the admission committee have already warned us not to do: your content is a bit too "unique", the language is not formal, and it contains a lot of slangs.
and even if the reader isnt feminist, i cannot imagine if he will get excited with this essay.
yet, it's just risky doesnt mean that it won't stand a chance. i would suggest that you write another essay to explain the philosophy of this essay. :)
What pathetic drivel. It's not amusing at all.
hahahahahaahahahahaahaaha
wow
just wow
my friends think im crazy when it comes to writing essays but you have overthrown everyone that i know and everything that ive read
but seriously it might work for a very few rare colleges
becuz it all depends on whose reading it
Sorry to disillusion you guys who think that it depends on the person who is reading the essay - sometimes there are two levels to the essay reading - even if an essay/student passes the first reader, it might not pass the second level - where the final shortlist is prepared. So you're taking a biiiiiiig risk - and essays do make a difference. I read on some other thread someone mentioning that essays don't play a big part. Again sorry - but they do, they are what will push your application into either of the two piles - accepted or rejected. You are not unique, if there are two students with exactly the same grades, extracurriculars etc, it is the one with the better essay who gets selected. So think about it!
I agree with Moonshadow0302, as well as others, in terms of the TREMENDOUS risk you'd be taking with submitting this to colleges. Additionally, as personality-filled and on many levels, humorous as it may be, I don't think it's at all appropriate (or at all informative about yourself, for that matter) for a college app essay, though that's only my opinion.
A funny, but rather informal and not so serious essay for a college essay. I think the topic is okay considering that you can show the admissions staff you personality, but write about the experiecne with this girl you met when you were thirteen in a more serious way. In the first paragraph, talk about how obsessed you are with girls in a more...serious way...be a little more emotional. Sorry to be harsh, but the first paragraph looks honestly like a mess.
This doesn't contribute to you essay in any way. I'd say Delete it!
You know, I'de simply copy and paste girl 249 times (not 250 times cuz like, I had to write it once first, right? and then if I pasted it 249 times I'de get 250 words. Smart, huh?) but copy-pasting so many times is damn painful. I mean, you have to hold Ctrl with your pinky and viciously punch V so many times...Its like finger-murder, okay?
This essay is really something else.
Some parts of the essay were really redundant such as
You know, I'de simply copy and paste girl 249 times (not 250 times cuz like, I had to write it once first, right? and then if I pasted it 249 times I'de get 250 words. Smart, huh?) but copy-pasting so many times is damn painful. I mean, you have to hold Ctrl with your pinky and viciously punch V so many times...Its like finger-murder, okay?
It would stand but maybe not in good way.
The essay is truly one-of-a-kind ... But I dont get the humor above the 'double spheres'. Frankly, all I can infer from this 'essay' is that you are not sophisticated enough for college and I feel like I have wasted my time. Hope you havent sent it yet because I think you can do better than that.
This was definitely a funny read, and could work well for assignments that call for that type of writing, but it's not going to cut it for a college essay. Although the adcoms want you to be creative and to be yourself, they want to accept mature, professional individuals. You probably are a mature individual, but this essay doesn't show it. The last thing you want is for your college apps to misrepresent you.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but was this your possible train of thought (or something similar) when you conceived this essay:
"Hmm, alright let's tackle this commonapp essay. Damn...activities...none really worth mentioning or any I really care about...well, maybe writing. Yeah, okay that might work. I like to write, it'd be something I like to do later. So I guess I'll just do that. But I can't write about writing...that's...well, that's boring. What am I supposed to say? 'I like sitting down, picking up a pen and putting it to paper?' No, that won't work...But what if I write about something that I know no one else is going to write about, something I can expand infinitely upon, and write it in such a way that through the prose itself, I can show personality, creativity, independent and mature thought, wit, humor, and a talent for writing? That's perfect! It's ingenious! No one would ever think of that!...But what to write about? Hmm...well...what do I have going for me...I'm in high school...I'm a senior...I'm an adolescent male bursting with gonadal fury...Aha! GIRLS!"
Unfortunately, you did say something about yourself in this "essay".
Your personality: You sound like the quintessential, immature 17/18 year old male who hasn't yet had any sort of intimate relations with a girl (be they sexual or platonic)
Your personality in terms of your writing (i.e voice, style, etc.): You sound like the quintessential, immature, 17/18 year old male who hasn't yet had any sort of intimate relations with a girl (be thy sexual or platonic)
Creativity: How creative is it to rant about girls (or the lack thereof)? It's the plight of most adolescent guys. Although personally, I don't think most of us seem to obsess as much as you do here, or at least don't express it as much. Seems kind of unhealthy if you ask me. Like i said...gonadal fury.
Independent and mature thought: Uhhm...no. When I talk to a girl, I usually tend to listen to what the're saying. Suprisingly, it often leads to a relationship beyond "milK AND COOkies" (but this is just me. I might be completely off and you might actually be more representative of our sex)
Wit and humor: Actually, yes. It brings to mind an image of a group of 13-year old boys with budding peach fuzz about their faces huddled around each other in the locker rooms looking at their first porno magazine that they managed to steal from their coach; their voices reach a couple octaves as they giggle and joke nervously among themselves.
Talent for creative writing: Who am I to judge what is "good writing", right? Because art is art in it's own sake, right? Well, I still think that there are still those certain ways that words can be juxtaposed to at least sound good. And actually, the essay that you have up there is a pretty darn interesting voice for, say, a character in a story. I say that because upon reading it, I got a sense for the character because there definitely was a voice for it. But this is not a story. It's a college prompt, so the "character" in this essay, would be (presumably) you. I'm not saying you don't have any talent as a writer (because I haven't read of any of your writing besides this), but this isn't the time to show how you write. I'm sorry to say this, but the colleges really are looking for certain kinds of essays. And you have no idea how much this and the college process pisses the crap out of me. But I've found that there are still ways to get around this "formula" essay and portray your own, unique style of writing. Ultimately, they want to see that you can write well and to write something well thought and developed.
I'm going to study creative writing in college also, so I think I have a sense for how you feel about these essay prompts. Trust me, this isn't the time to try and fuck the system. It is a pretty fucked up system, but it's in your best interest to comply for now. Either that, or not go to college, leave the world for a while to develop your writing, go on a spiritual journey in the woods with nothing but a pen and journal to write poetry and stories in, travel across America for a couple years and listen to people speak so you learn how to write genuine dialogue, take copious amounts of hard drugs to combat depression, write stories/poetry off of that, become an alcoholic, and then get depressed again and write about that. Too bad that's kind of already been done. And many times too. Writing is slowly becoming a waning art, and especially in our generatoin but I see going to college as a way to gain access to the centuries of writers before us, which I believe is a neccessity.
Anyway, I've gotten off-topic. My main point is: Go do another essay.
I have to agree with the poster here who said that your essay would be refreshing to a person who has been going through a tedious pile... but I also have to admit that I would not be surprised if said person punctuated the inevitable chuckle with a graceful crumple-and-toss.
Would this be a B-list school you're applying to?
I also agree with another poster who stated that colloquialism tends to, for lack of a better word, suck.
*depoof*
