Hi,
I am currently a student at University of South Florida and am looking to transfer to University of Texas-Austin next fall. I know writing isn't my strong point so I wanted to get some feed back on my admission essays before I sent them in. The essay was given the following prompt:
Personal Essay
Choose an issue of importance to you - the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope - and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
This is what I have written so far, any feedback is appreciated!
Sitting in the basement with all our friends, my brother and I looked at each other as his friend conveys to us his opinion on girls with tattoos. Being respectful, I listen as he announces that women with tattoos do not respect themselves, are trashy, and are all around bad people with bad personalities. He goes on to say he would never want to be seen in public with one and could not even fathom the idea of having a romantic relationship with a girl who had a tattoo. Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, but his was to the point of hurtful. Any women with a tattoo would have been highly offending by the words coming out of his mouth, including myself. It was very clear that he had no clue that I possessed not only one tattoo, but four.
I have not known Alex long, but we were close friends and he had told me before, he enjoyed my company. Not being able to hold my tongue I say "So, what do you think of me as a person?" At first he seems confused, but then answers the question telling the group that he thinks I am funny, smart, and I am a really fun person to be around. I sit taking this in noticing my friends look at me with a curious look knowing about the bomb I am about to drop on Alex. So I do, "Well, I have four tattoos..." He is at a loss for words, which I expected. He now knows I was extremely offended by what he said and that his belief system that all girls with tattoos were "bad people" was ruined. Alex tried fixing what he said by saying that mine were probably all small and really unnoticeable. Except I pointed out that they were not, and dropped the subject.
Our friendship since then has always been strained because he knows he was offensive and it was wrong. My point was not to make him uncomfortable and to ruin our friendship, I enjoy being friends with him, it was to show him not to judge people on their looks. The matter of judging people before you get to meet them is hugely important to me because I have experienced a situation in which someone whose opinion I valued, would have looked down upon me if he had seen my tattoos before getting to know me for who I really was. It is something we all do from time to time whether we notice it or not, but it is something we should consciously try and refrain from. You never know how deep your words are going to hurt another person.
Another reason why it is significant to my life is because I grew up being overweight and having very little self-confidence. Being made fun of growing up based solely on what you look like is not a good feeling; it makes you feel worthless even when you know you have so much to offer the world. After years of feeling sorry for myself and wishing that things were different I decided to make a change. It was not a simple or fast-paced transition but gaining confidence in yourself is one of the most sensational feelings in the world. Not only do you not let others bring you down but because you have been in that dark place before you do not put others down.
I know how dreadful it is to look in the mirror and hate yourself and want nothing more than to be someone else. I also know how uplifting it is to be able to know I got through that and that I am a better person today because of it. I believe that no one, boy or girl, deserves to feel like that are undeserving because some one else judged them. There is no way you can look at someone and tell that because they have a tattoo on their arm or their hair is blonde that they are going no where in life. It can be the most unfair and torturous action you can take to make a judgment upon someone based on how they look or dress before getting to know them.
Not only is this important to me on a personal level but also, judging people before you get to know them can reach national significance. The simple act of judging someone can lead to suicide and hate crimes. Teen suicide rates are climbing and this is partly due the how worthless these teens feel, which could easily be the result of them being judged. Hate crimes are a prime example of deeming someone less worthy based solely on their appearance and not their character. A hate crime is deliberate violence against a certain race, ethnicity, or religion.
I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of judgment. Therefore, I do my best to base my opinion of someone on their inner qualities rather then letting their external appearance overwhelm my first impression of them. Although this issue seems overwhelmingly obvious and simple it's a very complex and a predominate matter that people face in their everyday lives. My hope is that my current generation will instill solid morals in their children and raise them to respect all people.Content-wise, I have no problems with this essay! It's an original spin on a cliched topic, and you made it very powerful, so kudos to you.
[ Sitting in the basement with all our friends, my brother and I look at each other as his friend conveys to us his opinion on girls with tattoos. Being respectful, I listen as he announces that women with tattoos do not respect themselves, are trashy, and are all around bad people with bad personalities. He goes on to say he would never want to be seen in public with one and could not even fathom the idea of having a romantic relationship with a girl who had a tattoo.]This is just a suggestion, but maybe you could open with the dialogue, instead of just describing the exchange; it will get the message across in a more attention-grabbing way.
Good job, and good luck!
So i decided to take your advice and add a few sentences on how I gained confidence...here it is:
"It was not a simple or fast-paced transition but gaining confidence in myself was one of the most sensational feelings in the world. I started out with little things, picking my head up when I walked down the hall and telling myself daily that I was worthy and beautiful. After a while, it came naturally. I woke up and thought those things without having to consciously tell myself. After I pieced together the insides of myself I started to work on the outside, I am still not perfect, but I am happy and that is what really matters. "
I thought it sounded it good but I'm not so sure, any feedback would help!
This is just a suggestion, but maybe you could open with the dialogue, instead of just describing the exchange; it will get the message across in a more attention-grabbing way.
Again i agree with you on this, everyone I've shown the essay too likes it better with the dialogue opening. I would like your opinion though, here it is:
"They have no respect for themselves! They are all trashy and are just all around bad people with bad attitudes." I stare in awe; not believing that someone is can be this judgmental. Alex continues with his opinion on women with tattoos, "I would never want to be seen in public with one and could not even fathom the idea of having a romantic relationship with a girl who had a tattoo." His face shows pure disgust, not even registering that all of us are gaping with wide eyes.
"It was not a simple or fast-paced transition, but gaining confidence in myself was one of the most sensational feelings in the world. I started out doing little things like picking my head up when I walked down the hall and telling myself daily that I was worthy and beautiful. After a while, it came naturally. I woke up and thought those things without having to consciously tell myself. After I pieced together the insides of myself, I started to work on the outside. I am still not perfect, but I am happy, and that is what really matters. "
Perfect; I love it!
"They have no respect for themselves! They are all trashy and are just all around bad people with bad attitudes."
I stare in awe, not believing that someone can be this judgmental. Alex continues with his opinion on women with tattoos. "I would never want to be seen in public with one and could not even fathom the idea of having a romantic relationship with a girl who had a tattoo." His face shows pure disgust, not even registering that all of us are gaping with wide eyes.
Yes, this is really good. Maybe I'd throw in that paragraph break, just to have maximum impact in that first sentence.
I'm so excited for you with this essay! I know what it's like to have low self-esteem, and even though I've read a lot of self-esteem essays, this one really touched me. Best of luck!
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dumiThanks! (Also, I'm a girl :P)
