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'I would give up food just to go that extra mile' - personal quality, accomplishment


dloida90 1 / -  
Oct 26, 2011   #1
Prompt #1 tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or acoomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

There are many achievements that I can say I am proud of. I can boast about how I have been a good adolescent with no discipline problems, how I am a good student and have been recognized with two Student of The Year awards. But truthfully to me my greatest accomplishment and something I am proud of is the fact that I can say I have had the best academic performance from all my siblings, despite all the extra obligations I took on. Some might say it is because I am the youngest and I have learned from my entire siblings mistakes, but that is not true. The same influences and problems they have faced, I have faced as well and maybe worse. Multiple times have I crossed friends that were not the best influence, but I never let myself be distracted by that. I chose not to pay attention to that. Problems have also come my way, but I chose to ignore them as well. I have never got into a fight; my discipline record is absolutely clean. I have been the first of my siblings to have extra curricular activities. I joined the Student Council along with my older sister, and many other clubs as well, and despite all the extra responsibilities I took on, I still was able to maintain satisfactory grades. I worked vigorously. I always thought I got it worse from everyone else. I stayed up late at night to finish my assignments and I don't remember seeing my brothers or sisters stay up that late. I was constantly working on something, but it was that dedication and commitment that helped me succeed. I had the best distractions too, my phone, the Internet, Facebook! Although I was tempted to just stop working and relax with all my awesome technology, I did not let myself. Instead I used that as a reward. If and only if I had completed all my responsibilities did I let myself browse the Internet. That's is one of the things that makes me, me. I am a hard worker, and if it were for something really important to me, like my grades then I would give up food just to go that extra mile. That is also something I am willing to do for my career, but this time with much more determination.

Mv71 3 / 6  
Oct 27, 2011   #2
academic performance from all my siblings
academic performance out of all my siblings

friends that were not the best influence,
friends that were not of the best influence,

I never let myself be distracted by that
I never let that distract me

I have never got into a fight
I have never gotten into a fight

I joined the Student Council along with my older sister, and many other clubs as well, and despite all the extra responsibilities I took on, I still was able to maintain satisfactory grades.

My sister and I joined the Student Council; although I joined many other clubs as well and was still able to maintain my grades

That's is one of the things
That is one of the things

I am a hard worker, and if it were for something really important to me, like my grades then I would give up food just to go that extra mile.

I am a hard worker and I would even go as far as giving up food to go the extra mile on something that's really important to me, such as my grades.

Overall your essay has a good general idea and direction...My only suggestions would be perhaps to read it aloud and try to point out those grammar and punctuation disagreements. Another suggestion I would have is to try to use more contractions. If you want more of a formal tone you can keep a few, but it starts to sound almost robotic after a while when you say "I have" or "I am" too much. Try to use I less, especially where it is implied...Like instead of:

I chose not to pay attention to that. Problems have also come my way, but I chose to ignore them as well. I have never got into a fight; my discipline record is absolutely clean.

You can say:

Choosing not to pay attention to these distractions I've been able to avoid many problems, such as fights, keeping my record clean.

Now this IS my first critique, so I hope I'm not leading you improperly...But I suggest working on your fluency and and using commas and contractions to keep your own personal voice in the essay to set it apart from the others.


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