I need some help with this one... I adapted a previously written essay to try to fit this prompt...
Does it work?
Any editing comments/ideas on how to make it better?
Any criticism/edits would be much appreciated!!!
Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
My essay:
You might not guess it from my colorful, smiling exterior, but I tend to be a rather irate individual. I'm usually not the "bring-attention-to-myself" kind of angry like my little sister, who jumps at any opportunity to have yelling matches with my parents or break her closet door at the hinges from slamming it too hard. Nor am I the "complain-about-life-and-read-pessimistic-books" kind of angry like my uncle, who reads any ultra-liberal book published, continually bashes Republicans, and yet refuses to vote. And I'm certainly not the "listen-to-music-about-broken-hearts-and-wallowing" type of angry like so many of the teenagers I go to school with. I'm more of the "I-recognize-that-isn't-fair-so-I'm-going-to-do-something-ab out-it" type of angry. I prefer to take my anger and channel it into productive thought and action. Where anger was once my vice, it is now a virtue. For a long time though, I couldn't pinpoint the source of my anger. My turning point came in seventh grade.
In September of 2004, a friend presented me with a one of a kind opportunity: an invitation to attend a seven-day "Global Connections Youth Conference" in Massachusetts, sponsored by Plan International. The conference brought together teens from all over the world to talk about global issues in their communities and to create a global network of youth. At thirteen, I already had a profound interest in world culture, and I eagerly immersed myself in this experience.
That week, I learned about the idea of global citizenship as I connected with dozens of people like my friend Ane in Norway. I began to feel like I actually belonged to a global community rather than just a New England one. I met kids who were directly influenced by poverty and poor education and oppression every single day. I saw the way they laughed, the way their eyes sparkled the first time they touched snow, the way they looked at the questionable hamburgers and Belgian waffles, the way we all communicated despite language barriers. I listened to their voices explaining why they were at the conference, what they felt was wrong in the world, and what they were doing about it. I saw them dance and sing and wholeheartedly share their rich cultures with everyone else. I saw common threads with my friends, my family, and myself. But one thing I didn't see was why we seemed to live in two different worlds. Was I really more "developed" than these youth around me who'd been through more than I'd even heard of, and yet still found beauty in the world around them? That's when I decided to do something about it. Do something about injustice and stigma against families and children. Not something to pull "poor people" out of their "sad, unfortunate state," but something to promote awareness and acceptance in the world. Armed with information and a global network of youth, I was ready to spread awareness to my peers, my community, and my world.
Where I once had anger I couldn't articulate or quell, I now have motivation and a cause: social justice. I challenge others' beliefs. I challenge my own. When I don't understand a word or concept, I look it up or ask a question. I no longer see myself as a powerless, sheltered American teen. I am a strong-willed seventeen year old woman with a passion for social justice and human rights, and I am determined to direct my anger into a force of positive change in the world. I'm not naïve. I know that I'm not going to "save the world" overnight or end inequality in a week. But I am willing and dedicated enough to give myself to the world if it means creating one more just.
Great essay! It is more entertaining than most essays.
Try not to start sentences with articles (i.e "and," "but," "or").
Try to say the same things with fewer words... but do not lose any of your cool, rhythmic style!
Take out the contractions, like "I'm" and write out the two words.
This is quite a strong essay. Good luck putting your anger to good use!
:)
Kevin
