Given your desired major and why- Prison Ministry

Hi, this is my first time here and this is my admission essay to a Christian college (given title at the top). Since it is a Christian schools so there will be reference to God and Bible. English is not my first language so feel free to "tear" this essay apart since I am expect to have a lot of tense and grammars problem. Thank you again. (words count 580)

Title: Prison Ministry- A Call for Redemption

Welcome to the land of unimaginable despair. Stroll through the peaceful pasture, you will next cross over the barbed wired fence that isolates this frightening territory from the rest of the world. Gates slam violently behind you, declare the finality of your freedom. Men in uniform are stationed in line at the front to greet new residents with guns and handcuffs. In here, orange clothes are always in fashion. Past the second door, rows and rows of "apartments" are waiting to be filled, with the narrow hallway in the middle to divide the opposite sides. More men in uniform. Most of the rooms are taken, so the "tour guide" leads you to the end of the passage. The dark hollow corridor is filled with the stench of unwashed bodies mixed with ammonia. Agonized eyes stare from the corner of each room give warnings of what is about to come. Do not worry, the reality will return soon enough the moment you reach your new home here, surrounded by three concrete walls and an iron gate. All worldly desires disappear when that last gate finally slams shut. Day one in prison, eternity to go. But, there is hope. A future await even within this bottomless pit.

When people think of Christian Ministry, they think of traveling to third world countries to feed the hungry and poor, to heal the sick, to provide for the homeless; however, they tend to overlook the difficulties of another segment of society--prison inmates. The hunger of prisoners is not for physical food, but for companionship to fill their yearning hearts. The suffering of prisoners is not for the worldly medication to cure, but for the peace that would give them eternal joy. The vulnerability of prisoners does not lie in the anxiety of no shelter, but in the fear of rejection and indignity. Prison Ministry is the role God has called me to, to give these lost souls the opportunity to be freed from this challenging journey and to take back the time they have lost.

Condemnations and judgments from the society, even from Christians are what shut these men and women into another parallel world. It is easy to love your neighbors but hard to be in the same room as your enemies. Spending years in this dark dungeon where loneliness has overpowered them, these prisoners are losing the race against time . Physical punishments cannot truly change the hardened hearts that have been tainted with insecurities and emotional damage. The inmates are only a few yards away from the outside world, but their hearts are hundreds of miles from their loved ones, bringing an end to most of their relationships. These prisoners need to be transformed from the inside out. They need the comforts from the outside world.

Who deserves a chance for forgiveness and who does not? God has given us all thousands of chances to come back to Him, but we have all failed Him thousands of times. There is no defined boundary that separates us from them. The incarcerated are on the other side of eight inches of concrete wall, but we are all similarly captives of our own iniquities. God calls us to love because He loved us first. He forgave so that we can forgive. Christian Education and Ministry can help me open the doors of the hearts of these men and women. The world can look down on these people, but it would be my honor to be their voice and their friend.

Talk about attention-grabber! The first paragraph has great imagery, but a bit confusing...did you want this in second person? (Second person would be addressing the reader. "You open your lunchbox and discover that you have forgotten your apple" is second person because is about "you")


This makes it seem as if the tired, the poor, the huddled masses don't need assistance...you seem a bit cold to their plight here. Maybe if you write something like "When people think of Christian Ministry, they think of traveling to third world countries to feed the hungry and poor, to heal the sick, to provide for the homeless; however, they tend to overlook the difficulties of another segment of society--prison inmates. "


That's great..

Who deserves a chance for forgiveness and who does not? God has given us all thousands of chances to come back to Him, but we have all failed Him thousands of times.

The incarcerated are caged on the other side of the eight inches of concrete wall , but we are all similarly captivesof our own iniquities.

Christian Education and Ministry can help me to open the doorsof the hearts of these men and women.

The world can look down on these people, but it is my honor to be their voice and their friend.

Hi,
Thank you so much for taking the time reading through the essay :)
I really love the part "they tend to overlook the difficulties of another segment of society--prison inmates"
I have question about the first paragraph, when i first started to write my essay, I did use second person as the main pronounce for the first paragraph, but then it sound weird and repetitive, can you show me how to make it sound better (more flow).

Thanks again.

This is good collaboration! I'll add this:
Stroll through the peaceful pasture, and you will next cross the barbed wired fence that isolates this frightening territory from the rest of the world.

or
Stroll through the peaceful pasture; you will next cross the barbed wired fence that isolates this frightening territory from the rest of the world.
or
Strolling through the peaceful pasture, you will next cross the barbed wired fence that isolates this frightening territory from the rest of the world.