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GLBT issue involvement stems from minor assault - UF essay


LP2010 1 / -  
Oct 31, 2009   #1
The count is about 421 words currently, and the range is supposed to be 400-500, though I'm not sure if it's still too short. Feedback on any facet of the essay would be appreciated as soon as possible!

Topic: In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

It was a morning in the fall of my 8th grade year that forever changed my outlook on life. As I walked absent-mindedly to my second period Synergistics class, I mused over cute boys and my favorite bands, the typical subjects that preteen girls consider important, and was completely unsuspecting of what was waiting for me just inside the classroom. I walked in to find that my best friend Amy was crying, hidden from the oblivious teacher behind the desk module barriers. "What's wrong?" I inquired, and she pointed to a can of Lysol aerosol disinfectant. Puzzled, I waited for her to continue. After a moment, and through quiet sobs, she told me what had happened: Junior, a boy in our class, had referred to the Lysol as "gay repellant", and had proceeded to spray her in the face with it.

It was fairly well known amongst our peers that Amy was a lesbian, though our teachers, and her parents, were kept unaware. I furiously questioned Junior about what he was accused of, and he willingly admitted to the assault. I was livid, though there was little that I could do. Although we knew that what Junior had done was wrong, neither of us could tell the teacher about the incident, because the details of it would ultimately make it back to Amy's parents. She was fearful of how her conservative, Catholic parents would react to her sexuality, and she didn't want them to find out that other students knew that she was a lesbian. As all reasonable hope of justice was squandered, a feeling of hopelessness fell upon us, and that is a feeling that I remember to this day. Since the incident, I have vowed to do everything in my power to spread the values of equality and justice, and to promote open-mindedness amongst my peers.

As a direct effect of what happened to Amy I joined the Gay-Straight Alliance when I entered high school, an organization that works within the school and the community to advocate the equal and fair treatment of all persons, regardless of sexual orientation. After a few years I was elected as President of the Gay-Straight Alliance at my school, and I am proud to say that we have helped many gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender students find the courage to speak out about their sexuality. I look forward to hopefully bringing my open-minded values with me to the University of Florida, and continuing my high level of community and school involvement there in Gainesville.
mmmargarita 10 / 79  
Oct 31, 2009   #2
I liked this a lot! I know that's not terribly constructive, but it was sweet and to the point. There was good variety of both vocab and sentence structure. You did a good job of answering the question, although I would add one or two more sentences about how you would contribute to the UF community. A few other suggestions:

It was a morning in the fall of my 8th grade year that forever changed my outlook on life -> My outlook on life was forever changed by a fall morning in 8th grade.

I furiously questioned Junior about what he was accused of, and he willingly admitted to the assault. You should probably change this word. It's only one word, but it left me with a negative impression.

As all reasonable hope of justice was squandered, a feeling of hopelessness fell upon us, and that is- a feeling that I remember to this day.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 2, 2009   #3
It was a One morning in the fall of my 8th grade year that forever changed my outlook on life.

No need for a comma here:
"gay repellant",

No need for commas hre either:
...though our teachers and her parents were kept unaware.

You did a great thing! Congratulations for being among the tolerant and wise. You are more than that; you took a stand, and that is great.

I suggest taking out the reference to Catholicism, because many Catholics are indeed tolerant despite the views of some other Catholics. I don't want you to accidentally offend the person who reads this essay. I hope the person who reads this essay has as much wisdom as you and is not among the judgmental.


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