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Global Business and Entrepreneurship Conference, NYU - Common App Essay

lekha /  
Dec 29, 2009   #1
Which essay is better??

The first one(in response to " Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you."):

LeadAmerica's Global Business and Entrepreneurship Conference was a ten-day program that took place in New York City, bringing together students all over United States to teach us crucial skills that would guide us throughout our lives. I will never forget the wonderful things I encountered throughout this crowded city with busy people and streets jam-packed with cars, taxis, and buses - all surrounded by giant, incredible skyscrapers. It was different from where I lived in Greensboro, North Carolina, and I desperately needed that change. What I like most about New York is that it's alive, and you can see the vibrancy of life as you turn the corner of any street. This is it, I thought as I heard people on the sidewalk clamoring into a bus and smelt the hot dogs sold by a vendor on the street. This is the moment I've been waiting my whole life for - this feeling of living each and every second to the fullest and making the most out of it.

While walking along Fifth Avenue, I was thinking about how all this - the rush of excitement that pulsed through my veins, the never-ending sense of bliss than ran through my body, the lighthearted feeling of a carefree existence - will all be over soon. In one hour, I would have to go back to Greensboring (as some of us jokingly call it); back to the monotonous routines of my everyday life. I took a moment to reflect and thought about how the conference not only raised my degree of interest in pursuing business, but also changed my outlook about myself by helping me discover different aspects of life I haven't opened myself up to before.

My mind wandered off to the day we presented our business plan to the venture capitalists. I was voted the VP of Finance and I remembered getting up at four every morning and staying up until midnight to research and work on our company's financial affairs. Boy did I really want to win the challenge and impress the judges! Our hard work paid off and we won the competition.

I remembered the way I felt before arriving in New York. I was nervous and apprehensive. Oh Great, I thought, how fun can this be? It's going to be just another boring, nerd camp. How mistaken I was! I got a taste of freedom that I never had back home where my parents keep a constant watch over me like a hawk. It felt like I was breaking free of the shell that always restricted me from trying out the things I want to do. It was an amazing burst of sensation that made me feel more alive.

One hour was up and it was time to say good-bye. I wanted to hold on to this moment a little longer - not yet ready to leave all my new friends behind. After reaching the airport, I met my parents who stared at me as if trying to figure out a confusing puzzle. I did not utter a word to either of them, but my mom smiled and said, "You've changed." She was right. I was certainly not the same person I was ten days ago - my new self-found confidence was clearly displayed on my face. I look back with nostalgic, bittersweet memories on the best and most meaningful experience of my life. I realize that I can use the valuable knowledge I gained to help others by sharing some of this knowledge and exercising the leadership skills I developed. That, to me, is the purpose of this experience - to touch the lives of others so that I can create a positive impact in our world.

... or this one("Topic of your choice" - I was going to choose how I best express myself):

There I was, seated upon the black stool, watching the black and white keys glide smoothly from corner to corner like waves breaking gently across the ocean. Simple pleasures, such as the feel of the keys when I stroke them with my fingers and the restraint of the pedal when I press it with my foot, give me joy. The sense of harmony between the notes and my soul pulls me deep into a trance where time seems to slow down everything that surrounds the piano and me. There is no substitute for this special moment, for this feeling of being at peace with the world. I have cherished playing piano since the age of nine because it engages my mind, melting all my stress away. My day-to-day problems are drowned by the flow of the music.

The way I express myself with the piece I am playing, the style in which I am delivering the performance, and the kind of atmosphere I create, allows me to convey my emotions. I have the freedom to set any mood I want - tranquil, solemn, or lively - depending upon my own mood and desire. It is like telling a story, without words; sometimes things what lacks words has the most meaning. I practice until I feel I have reached perfection so I can give the performance of a lifetime - just me and my piano in the spotlight. Nothing else matters.

I feel proud performing for my friends and family since it takes patience and determination to perform a song just right. My piano teacher even comments on how I play expressively. She always says, "It takes discipline." These 88 keys award me the freedom to express myself in an infinite number of ways, so I look forward to sitting upon that black stool each day.

Please give feedback on either of these essays!!! Suggestions to improve, things to work on, things to add/take out, etc...
Thanks you guys!

demuredelight 2 / 22  
Dec 29, 2009   #2
I think you should submit the first essay. It illustrates a complete picture of your growing path. I have been especially moved by the last paragraph when maturity is observed without much explanation. It is well written. The second essay is also not bad. But compared to the first one, it is not that unique. Unless you will pursue a music or art major, the first essay is your better option over the second.

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