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GMU essay, freshman applicant


nopig1500 1 / 3  
Dec 16, 2008   #1
All freshman applicants must submit a "Personal Statement" of 150-500 words (maximum) that highlights your leadership achievements or significant service contributions to your high school or community. Students who apply online must submit the statement online when prompted during the application process. Only students who submit paper applications may submit a statement in paper form.

Scholarship and/or Score Optional applicants must submit two total essays with their application. Each essay should be no more than one typed page. - The Admissions Committee is interested in learning more about you. Prepare an essay about yourself. The essay should discuss information about yourself that cannot be found elsewhere on the application. Possible topics to include in your essay are: your ambitions and goals, a special talent or unusual interest that sets you apart from your peers, or a significant event or relationship that has influenced you during your life.

My friend once asked me, "What do you like to do the most?" It seemed like a pretty easy question, but I could not answer at that moment. However, after a significant event, I could easily find an answer to the question.

When I first came to America four years ago, I could barely speak and understand English. Because of lack of my language skill, it was hard for me to make friends and socialize with others. I needed something that I could enjoy and rely on. That's when I started playing the piano, and I became pretty good at it.

One day, I had a chance to play the piano in a big community center for seniors who were suffering from their poverty or disability. Because I was bashful and unconcerned, I did not practice or prepared for them. As expected, I made many noticeable mistakes. However, everyone cheered and encouraged me. Many people even came up to me and said "Thank you for your wonderful performance. It was fantastic!" Some even shook my hand. I was really surprised, because nobody has come and talked to me with such affection before. I became a pretty good friend with them after playing there for few months. They helped me get along with others and participate their community work. Because of their kindness, I could understand and get involved in American society. They gave me not only a confidence, but also a sense of responsibility.

Playing piano for them was not just a typical voluntary work for me. It was somewhat life changing experience, because once a shy and indifferent individual, I now became a confident and responsible man. Because I know that I can please others with my special talent, I am still playing the piano for others in a church after I moved. I can now do my work with such confidence and responsibility, and I can now answer to my friend, "I like to help and amuse others with my own little skill."
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 17, 2008   #2
Because of my lack of language skills, it was hard for me to make friends and socialize with others.

One day, I had a chance to play the piano in a big community center for seniors who were suffering from poverty or disability.

Because I was bashful and unconcerned, I did not practice or prepare for them.

Many people even came up to me and said, "Thank you for your wonderful performance.

I became a pretty good friends with them after playing there for few months.

They gave me not only confidence, but also a sense of responsibility

Playing piano for them was not just typical volunteer work for me.

It was somewhat of a life changing experience, because once a shy and indifferent individual, I now became a confident and responsible man.

I liked your ending.:)
OP nopig1500 1 / 3  
Dec 17, 2008   #3
thank you. i have one question, can i say
I became a pretty good friends with them after playing there for few months.
a ptretty good friend ?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 17, 2008   #4
It might be better to write:

I began to develop meaningful friendships with them after...
OP nopig1500 1 / 3  
Dec 18, 2008   #5
thank you ^^ is it an ok essay?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 19, 2008   #6
Yes! I like how you create uncertainty for the reader by posing the question: "What do you like to do the most?"

It woulod be good to refer back to that at the end of the essay.

:)
OP nopig1500 1 / 3  
Dec 19, 2008   #7
Thank you Kevin ^^
jusanglee 2 / 2  
Dec 19, 2008   #8
I could easily find an answer to the question.

Fix: I was finally able to find an answer.


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