Hello I have to write personal statement for UW.
I am not sure that what to write in introduction so i have not written it.
I do not know what to write and could you please revise me the story of my essay?
thank you
Living all my sixteen years under my parent's wing had made me dependent child like any of children in Korea. I neither had the courage to stand up on my own nor the freedom of making decisions on my own. I basically did what I was told by mum when I was middle school student. According to my mum, getting good grade is the only way that people can have successful life so I studied hard like a machine. I lived according to schedule that my mum set up for me. I studied from 8 am to 2 am. As a result, I was top 10% student in a school and got very good marks on fairly every subject; especially I was strong at science and math. However, I did not have any dreams or goals for the future. I just studied hard for exam and mum told me to do so. I did not know why I was studying.
27 November 2007, it was a historical day in my life which is an independent day; I was sent to New Zealand to study. No one forced me to study or tell me off from not studying unlike in Korea. Also, there was no schedule such as going to academy straightly after school that my mum set up for me. Therefore, I did not know what to do and I just wasted time searching the internet on computer or going shopping. Whenever I ruined my test, I just convinced myself that it was because English is my second language. I just made excuses to feel better and not to feel guilty for not trying best and not putting efforts on studying. As a result I neglected studying and got the worst grade ever in my life for the first quarter.
I had an opportunity of doing volunteer work in a retirement community where the elderly who are weak and need some help and supports. My job was passing the beverages to the elderly and being a conversation partner. At the first week, it was really hard to get out of my shell and interact with people who have different cultures, values, opinions and so on. As several weeks passed, I got to know most of the residents. I even made great friendships with the residents. As I enjoyed talking with them and spend great amount of time together, I gained communicating skills, patience, and learned to understand people. Whenever I helped the elderly and saw their little smile on their face, I was really happy that could not explain in a word. I felt fulfillment and realized that this is what I want to work in my rest of life. Becoming a nurse was the first real goal I had ever set by myself not by my mum. Volunteering works gave me a direction and dream what I really like to do for the future.
Once I set up my goal, I was motivated to study. It was really hard to catch up on studying. I challenged and disciplined myself to work harder toward my education. The difficulties that I had to deal with as a non-native speaker pushed me further. As a result of my hard work, I gradually and slowly made progress. My grade was started to fill with merits and excellence marks. At the second of year in New Zealand, I got a bronze academic award at school. Then I had a desire to study in bigger country than New Zealand and wanted to get its advanced education to move myself forward.
I moved to Seattle with a new dream. I chose to go to Seattle central community college because I can get high school diploma and associate degree at the same time within 2 years. After 2 years, I can take nursing program in Seattle Central Community College but with a long tradition of academic excellence and rich learning opportunities for students, I believe that in UW will give so much more what a community college has to offer. My goal is becoming a successful nurse. In order to reach my goal I must take the first step, which is to study at University of Washington.
hi, i just picked up the first part of your work to be revised. The following sentences have obvious mistakes.
e.g.
Living all my sixteen years under my parent's wing had mademake me becomea dependent child like any many of children in Korea.
I neither had have the courage to stand up on my own nor the freedom capability of making decisions on my own by myself.
I basically did what I was told by mum when I was middle school student.
it should be "i basically do what my mother told me to do when..."
According to my mum, getting good grade is the only way that people can have successful life so I studied hard like a machine.
it should be "According to what my mother said, pursuing great grade is the only way to be successful in the future. Therefore, i work hard to reach the goal."
especially I was strong at science and math.
i think it is better like this "i am especially good at science and math"
I did not know why I was studying.
revised as " i don't know i study for what."
...very good marks on fairly almost every subject; especially I was strong at science and math. However, I did not have any ...
I chose to go to Seattle central community college Central Community College because I can get high school diploma and associate degree at the same time within 2 years.
Very good!! I think you should add some mention of nursing to paragraph one. You did not know why you were studying during primary school, but destiny would have you enter a nursing program. Mention nursing in that first paragraph!
Also, can you write a little about your philosophy of medicine?
Thank you for giving me feedback!
I did not understand what you mean by philosophy of medicine (sorry i am an international student).
Does philosophy of medicine relate to my essay??
hi,jiyoeng park!
I think in your first part, you should give more detail information about your historical day,it seems like you don't finish it. "you got the worst grade ever in your life" that made you study harder? I think the reason is not strong. if you highlight your unique thinking about your former study, that will be better.
That is my own opinion, Hope it help.Good luck!
When I say philosophy of medicine, I am talking about what makes you interested in nursing and what nursing concepts interest you most. For example, I read recently about "transcultural nursing," which I think you would be interested in because you are an international student.
I think the essay would be improved if you told a little more about what "drives" you... and that means, "What is important to you, and what makes you want to be a nurse?"
Your personal statement should include more than just your history and experiences. It is a statement of your intentions. So... I think you should write a little about what is important to you and what you hope to accomplish. :-)
