My goal is to continue to volunteer with JAAC. US - Jamaican connection

Looking for some help to improve my essay, thank you!!

Giving back to my country

I'm a Portlander, without a doubt, the most beautiful parish in Jamaica. I was born in Buff Bay, but I spent a great deal of my younger years in Orange Bay, and my later teenage years in Buff Bay. My father left Jamaica for the US before I finished primary school, and through his efforts, I was able to migrate to the US in 2002 as well. I resided in Bronx, NY upon my arrival. I spent a couple years in NYC working as a carpet installer with my father. It was fun traveling from house to house, installing carpet with my dad, I believe it was a great opportunity to catch up on the many years that we spent apart. However, my dream was always to acquire a college degree, a milestone my parents never achieved.

Not fully understanding how the school system worked in the US, I randomly came across an Army commercial on TV, the commercial talked about how the Army would pay for anyone's college tuition if they would simply join the forces. Needless to say, the next day I was at the recruiter's office signing all the required paperwork, and was shipped off to the Army the following two weeks. I had an excellent 4 years in the military, it is one of my greatest experiences in life, and I would definitely do it again. However, my dream finally came through after I separated from the army to pursue a degree in finance at The University of Texas, at Austin, and became the first in my family to attain a college degree. I worked as an investment banking analyst after college, until I decided to go back to school for a degree in dental surgery.

The time I spent in Jamaica volunteering with JAAC, was beyond anything I could ever imagined. I felt as if I was in my hometown, helping the people that I grew up with and others that I knew all my life, even though I had never met anyone I treated before. I felt great pride to see the smile on my patient's faces when they realized that I was one of them. Though I helped to relieve many people from pain, the highlight of my trip occurred the first day I stepped foot in the clinic in Islington, St Mary. While I walked pass a mother and her young son, she pointed in my direction while saying these words to her son, "You can be just like him when you grow up, look". Those words made me feel as if I was an inspiration to at least one person on my trip, which I believe is the epitome of giving back. My goal is to continue to volunteer with JAAC, hopefully for many more years.

Logan, how I wish that you had given me some inkling as to what this personal statement is all about. It seems to me that you are asking to be allowed to volunteer again with JAAC right? If that is so then I do not think this essay is well balanced. While you should highlight the fact that you are Jamaican and that you legally migrated to the US and even served in the Army, I feel that you have discussed too little about your JAAC experience and your personal motivation and objectives for wishing to continue your relationship with them. Maybe you can lessen the talk about your time in the army and your after college career in favor or a lengthier discussion of your desire to renew your participation in the JAAC. That portion of the discussion is too short in my opinion because you do speak of how you hope to make a contribution to the cause. What kind of positive change do you wish to contribute that will help to enhance the program for both the volunteers and the Jamaicans? Are there any specific situations you wish to address? What kind of solutions would you like to offer? You should impress the reviewer with your ideas regarding your potential participation in the program. Make it appear that your continued involvement will produce a better grassroots campaign for the cause.