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"My goal is to establish an exquisite fashion line and donate" - Temple essay


accepptmyflawz 1 / 9  
Oct 27, 2010   #1
OR Please tell us more about yourself. Relate one or more experiences or circumstances that have contributed to your personal and/or academic development. If you have been out of school for a year or longer, please discuss your activities during that period of time.

This is all I came up with

Temple University Essay

If you every come to my city on a cold winter night you would notice the snow is never white. If you ever walked down my street you would notice rats in trashcans and garbage in the gutter. If you ever took a tour through my high school, you would wonder if it was a jungle. Than after you seen all that your eyes could bare you would think to yourself how could a person live here. I have always been ambitious and knew I would succeed in life. No matter what obstacles came my way. I have always held my head high and figured away to learn from my mistakes, rather than sit and complain. Regardless of what people said I never wanted to be a statics, with that in me I was bound to be different.

Growing up in Baltimore, Maryland was a nightmare for many but a journey for me. I grew up in a row home off of Calvert street and North avenue. Because of the people hanging out on the corners and the drugs that polluted the streets; my neighborhood was called a high risk area. Despite the drug activity that surrounded me on a daily basis I loved my neighborhood, I had friendly neighbors, nice classmates, and the best grandmother in the world. My grandmother never told me she loved me but I knew she did. She worked just so I could have clothes on my back and an education that I could fall back on. Elouise was a serious person but she liked to joke as well. She would always say, "I might do not have a lot of money, but I have my brains and I will never be anyone's fool." I never really grasp the concept of that until I got older. I have always loved and appreciated my grandmother for the effort she made to instill morals and values in me. I believe despite the hardship is was for her to put me through private school she was proud that I would have a good education.

In spite of my parents being absent from my life, I have always enjoyed school. Teachers would praise me for how well I would speak up for myself and how consistent I was with asking questions when I did not understand. Even though, I did not always make the best grades in school, I never gave up. I always tried and no matter how much people discouraged me I continued to further my education. While I never really had a favorite Subject in school besides English, I have always been infatuated with fashion. After I had taken a fashion and design class during my sophomore year of high school; I began to develop an ultimate respect for art, whether it was film, poetry, or fashion. Because people always made remarks towards my wardrobe, I learned how to imply their criticism to my style. Style is relevant: it is not just a world of fantasy and fame. It is more than a creation: fashion is how I, as an artist communicate myself through the art of design. I am a trend setter, therefore, fashion is my passion.

Fashion is important because it's a means of self-expression, it enables me to make a statement to the world about who I am as an individual. My love for fashion is much greater than most; it is the fireworks that sparkle on the fourth of July: reminding society of the day America became independent. Fashion has played a major role in my life, being essential for me to stand out in a crowd of black sheep's. As far back as I can remember I have always had a sense of style, not always as trendy as supermodels, but unique in its own way. After watching runway show I would always imagine my wardrobe being presented with John Galliano or Christian Dior (two well respected designers) the thought of it would make my heart explode with overwhelming joy.

Over the years my style have changed, some being more dramatic than others such as: raw punk, formal attire and chic, just to name a few. While I cannot always convey an vivid image of who I am as young women, my creativity with fabric and patterns allow me to articulate my individuality. Because of my bubble personality, I made a lot of friends in my life, even though I have always been different from my peers. While in high school people would wear what was in, I would wear bright bold colors, loose jeans with tight shirt, sometimes I would even wear skirts down to my ankles with a tight fitting ripped top. Many people admire my style and many people do not appreciate my talent. Growing up in Baltimore have taken a toll on my views of fashion, it is a way of life for the residents in this city. Because of peoples terrible attempts to set trends, my interest in fashion and design have involved into a goal that I will achieve.

My goals are to establish an exquisite fashion line and donate a generous amount of clothing to less fortunate organizations. Loneys' love contour will coherent my ability to be creative and produce the attire that will be unique in its own style. After, I graduate Temple University, I would like to travel to Paris, Japan, and New York, so I can experience diverse fashion developments. I expect Temple to not only inform me of fashion and design techniques but to go above and beyond to make certain, I as a scholar, am following my dreams. I will participate in educational events to help give back to my community, by join organization, attending community meeting, and helping raise funds to keep such organization active. Loneys' Love Contour will be dedicated to Elouise Loney: my loving grandmother, Because if it was not for her believing in me I would not be the determined women I am today.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Oct 27, 2010   #2
Hi,

I read your essay which I find vey interesting. There are some grammer issues for which you should pay attention.
Growing up in Baltimore, Maryland wasmay be a nightmare for many people , but it is a journey of rich exposure for me. I grew up in a row home off of Calvert street and North avenue.

Because of the people hanging out on the corners and the drugs that polluted the streets; my neighborhood was called a high risk area...In my view, this sentence is not properly conveying your idea. It is a very good point and I feel you should change its order, for example;

My neighborhood is supposed to be a dangerous area for living due to its reputation for drug activities ....


Despite the drug activity that surrounded me on a daily basis I loved my neighborhood, I had friendly neighbors, nice classmates, and the best grandmother in the world. (I like this point very much because it describes your attachment towards the place you grew and also confirms that you were not least affected by such an environment. Also you give a good insight to the reader by showing how the people of such backgrounds can inspire others)

My grandmother never told me she lovedexpressed her love for me in words but I knew she did. (very nice) She worked justso hard so that I could have clothes on my backto cover myself and receive an undisturbed education that I could fall back onwould shape my future .
mariatateno 6 / 35  
Oct 27, 2010   #3
black sheep not sheep's.
its good, but you could maybe pay more attention to the structure?
and I don't think you should write about "people's terrible attempts to set trends" but that is just my opinion.
OP accepptmyflawz 1 / 9  
Oct 27, 2010   #4
thank you I'm still try to figure how 2 work this site I appreciate you suggestions I will re post how I revise it thank you
OP accepptmyflawz 1 / 9  
Oct 30, 2010   #5
I re wrote it it is in Templ Essay look it up and tell me what yall think thank you.
ccilia 2 / 4  
Oct 30, 2010   #6
your desire for fashion is strongly presented in the passage, so is your goal.
i think you can abridge some sentences in the middle part, and stress out the most important thing to you, the thing that influenced you the most.

and i think what your write about your experiences should be more related to your dream~~
above is what i think, maybe not quite right

wish you good luck~~fighting~~O(∩_∩)O~
relly21 3 / 13  
Oct 30, 2010   #8
I have not even read your essay yet, but I think that it is entirely too long. Just looking at it makes me feel overwhelmed, and I put it into a word counter and it came out to be over 1500 words. College essays should really stay around 500 words and can go even a little higher, but not as high as 1500. I would suggest rewriting this so that it is concise and cuts out unnecessary detail, and then repost it so people (especially admissions officers) will actually want to read it.
OP accepptmyflawz 1 / 9  
Oct 30, 2010   #9
Yeah but it said it can be up to 32000 words and its a nice essay if you take the time to read i.. i cant jam what they asking for in 500 words are you serious.
em2always 15 / 79  
Oct 30, 2010   #10
yea i was thinking of edititing this. but it's far too long for me to consider. i would be more concise
OP accepptmyflawz 1 / 9  
Oct 30, 2010   #11
well I am not going to shorting it because everything in the essay is important but thanks
mgm7890 /  
Oct 30, 2010   #12
this essay is way to long. Like the previous poster said, 1500 is far to much. I'm sure you can cut some information from this.

Also, from what I did read, suggesting that poverty and other social issues shaped you is favorable but not always the best. Im sure millions of others in inner-city environments have that issue. Make yourself unique with it.

Also, we need a quick synopsis of you. NOT a life story... keep that in mind.
I feel an admission officer may quickly skim your essay if it is this length.
riny 13 / 26  
Nov 1, 2010   #13
I graduate from Temple University,

I expect Temple university to not only inform me about fashion and design techniques but also to go above and beyond to make certain,
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 7, 2010   #14
I have always been ambitious and determined to succeed in life.

Right here, you completely change the subject of the first paragraph. The first paragraph seems to be about 2 completely different subjects. You need a sentence prior to this sentence to tel how the dirty jungle is a place where one is likely to become a statistic. That will make it so that the paragraph is "cohesive."

With that in me, I was bound to be different from myself destructive environment.---I don't think you were bound to be "different from," but instead...

With that in me, I was bound to be different from myself sidestep the negative influence of my destructive environment.

In order to make the whole essay cohesive, add a sentence to the end of that first paragraph, a sentence that will inform the reader of your vision of a future in which you make a meaningful difference by creating a socially responsible fashion business. That way, at the end of the essay it will feel "complete" as the reader shares in your vision... and the essay will be all about this single, main idea.

:-)


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