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My goal, my Journey, my life? -- PSU personal statement


TechniColors 1 / -  
Nov 20, 2010   #1
I need some help with grammar and sentence fluency. I think some of my thoughts don't connect or relate to one another. Any suggestions/corrections are very much appreciated!

Prompt: Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.

I see life as journey that counts for the paths you take and the struggle to get to your goal, rather than the goal itself. The goal should only be the destination, not what counts the most. The journey is important because it is how to discover what's important to you, what you love to do, and what you enjoy in life. In life, there are going to be many choices, each of which are different and are chosen by different people. These choices in life are what defines a person, what makes them a unique individual because these choices are all different paths.

When I was younger I was constantly bullied for being shy and quiet. When I entered high school, the bullying had affected me so much that I was out of my comfort zone when people talked to me. As the first few months of high school went by, I found friends that were always there for me. Although I have met so many amazing people, there was someone in particular that made me strive for something more. This person was the one that pushed me to talk and be more open about myself. The one person who was always there to encourage me. The reason why I ended up trusting people is because he was always there for me to depend on. This person was the reason why I discovered a part of myself. He pushed me to try new things and to never let my fears take control.

Through this summer I have found a small interest in photography. Photography is especially important because part of my journey is to discover parts of myself. Even though I know relatively little about photography, there's just something about it that take my breath away and make me feel at ease. When I pick up a camera it takes me into my own world where I cannot be disturbed. These pictures reflect how I see the world, what I feel. I know every person sees the world in a different way, but I want to make it so that there is a way for every person to see the world in a positive light. I want to show people that I can be a person they can depend on. I especially want to show my friends this because I owe so much to them for making me see the world in a more positive way.

I am still in the process of discovering myself because this journey is not over until I have achieved my goal. I do not know specifically what I want as a career, but do I know it will be in the science field because it is what appeals to me. For years, I have been asked what I wanted to be when I grew up and I've realized the answers I gave always remained in the science field.

danado0ona 5 / 13  
Nov 23, 2010   #2
I see life as a journey that counts on the paths you take and the strugglesyou face,when trying to achieveto your goals , rather than the goal itself.

or maybe From my point of view, life is like a battle that counts on the choices you make, the plans that you set, and the challenges that you combat, trying to win and achieve a certain goal.

Goals should only be the destination, not what counts the most. The journey is important because it is how to discover what's important to you, what you love to do, and what you enjoy in life. In life, there will be many choices, each of which are different and are chosen by different people. These choices in life are what defines the person, what makes him a unique individual because these choices are all different paths.

or maybe fighting for a goal is very important because it opens your eyes to what is important to you and to the things that you love and enjoy to do in life. i believe that there would be many choices chosen by different people, which would define the person and make him a unique individual choosing different choices and paths.

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When I was younger I was constantly bullied for being shy and quiet. And When I entered high school, the bullying had affected me so much that I was out of my comfort zone when people talked to me. As the first few months of high school went by, I found friends that were always there for me. Although I have met so many amazing people, there was someone in particular that made me strive for something more. This person was the one that pushed me to talk and be more opened about myself. The oneonly person who was always there to encouraging me. The reason why I ended up trusting people is because he was always there for me to depend on. This person was the reason why I discovered a part of myself orwho i am . He pushed me to try new things and to never let my fears take control.

Through this summer I have found a small interest in photography. Photography isbecameespeciallyso important to me because part of my journey iswas to discover parts of myself. Even though I kne w relatively little about photography, there was just something about it that taketookorstole my breath away and makemade me feel at ease. holding the camera takes me to a new world, my own worldwhere i can be just myselfWhen I pick up a camera it takes me into my own world where I cannot be disturbed.CameraThese pictures reflectshowthe way I see the world and my own thoughts and feelingswhat I feel . I knowbelievethat every person sees the world in a different way, but I want to make it so that there is a way for every person to see the world in a positive light. I want to show people that I can be a person they can depend on. I especially want to show my friends this because I owe so much to them for making me see the world in a more positive way.

I am still in the process of discovering myself because this journey is not over until I have achieved my goal. I do not know specifically what I want as a career, but i do I know that it would be in the science field because it is what appeals to me. For years, I have been asked what I wanted to be when I grew up and I've realized the answers I gave always remained in the science field.

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hello, i like your eager of wanting to achieve your goal and showing people who you are. But, i think that you should really work on organizing your thoughts in the paragraphs.

what i see is that you jump from idea to idea without connections. you firstly talked about goals and choices, then about being bullied, then about your friends and photography and jumped to science field. it was confusing for me.

here is my advice:
in the first paragraph, maybe you should start by talking about the story of your childhood and the bullying that you faced.
in the second paragraph, maybe you can talk about how you met your friends and how they helped you in discovering yourself and discovering your hobby in photography.

in the another paragraph, you can talk about the goal achievements (that you talked about in the first paragraph) and your view of the world, what you want to do to achieve your goals and the choices that you would take.

then you can talk about your vision of your future, what you intend to do and to be. and say why you chose the science field.

This is my opinion.

GOOD LUCK ;^D
HOPE I HELPED


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