Hi guys! Im applying to Drexel with the major of Business(for still-deciding students). The topic is:
All other applicants: You may write about why you are interested in your choice of major, or you may write on any subject you choose.
This is only my rough draft so any help would be appreciated :)
When I was only nine years old, my family and I took the chance of leaving our home in India to set our feet upon America, the land of opportunity. My dad took the advantages of the resources, connections, and opportunities of which America granted him and focused on the goals he had yet to achieve. But who would have known that his goals would soon become my own passion?
Couple years down the road, when my Dad successfully opened his own restaurant, I remember the first thoughts to myself, "Yes! Free food." As months had passed and the food became native, I realized how much I had simply enjoyed being there as I became the extra hand of help to my father. Spending numerous hours during my weekends, and evenings on weekdays, I saw firsthand the challenges and benefits of self-employment. For me personally, the rewards definitely overweighed the downsides. From as little as picking the colors of the walls and the shapes of the tables, to seeing the net income at the end of the day, I knew I loved every aspect of it. It gave me the feel of accomplishment in the little seed I helped plant as I watched it grow with my support and maintenance.
Although one would be confident in going into the field of management after that experience, I acknowledge the various fields Business offers and I want to be able to explore my options to find my correct fit. The restaurant gave me basic essentials for any field in Business like the importance of networking, advantages of social skills and the need of leadership, yet also teamwork. I believe that Drexel's LeBow College of Business will help my current situation by allowing me to prosper my in and out of college experience with the Co-Op it provides. As this opportunity will guide me in to my more specific study of Business, it will also give me valuable experience to stand out from among the other graduates.
The goals of my dad have led me to see the reality of dreams coming true, and gave me faith and motivation in achieving my own. With these things, (Still thinking of a good ending:()[/
Word count so far is 364/500. Thanks all. If anybody has any ideas for a good ending please let me know :)
But who would have known that his goals would soon become my own passion?
After this sentence, it would be good if you specified what it is you mean. You can add this sentence at the end of that first paragraph: "I want to major in XXXX at XXXXX because of my passion for XXXXXX."
overweighed outweighed
And be specific when you refer to his goal and to your goals. Name the goals when you refer to them.
Also:
The goals of My dad's pursuit of his goal led me to see the reality of dreams...
:-)
Hi, I'm back!
I decided to keep most of my essay and just change the ending.
Any thoughts or advice will be appreciated. Thank you!
My dad's pursuit of his goal led me to see the reality of dreams, and gave me faith and motivation in achieving my own. The first step towards my dreams leads to the door of Drexel University, where I plan to be the best I can be.
gave me faith and motivation in achieving my own.
gave me faith in achieving...
gave me motivation in achieving...
This part is messed up, I guess. Let's simplify:
...strengthened my faith in my own potential. and motivation in achieving my own.
:-)
