This is my essay answered for the topic 5 in common app " what would you bring to the diversity in a college community". Thank you in advance for your help
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It is a deep, warm and sad sound. It catches my attention from the very first time that I stop what I am doing to listen to it attentively. I feel like I am listening to a story from the deep heart of a sentimental girl. The story is sad, but full of love. Even when I turn off the TV, this haunting sound keeps on resounding constantly in my mind seeming like there is a connection between my soul and it. I cannot stop thinking about it several days after. It is the sound of Dan Bau - a Vietnamese musical instrument.
Though it is not the first time I listen to the Vietnamese folk song "Qua cau gio bay" but this is the first time I listen to it played by Dan Bau. This sound is so obsessive that I cannot find the cause. Deep in my mind, I think I have found the solution for my problem.
Back to several months ago, listening to my close friends, who all knew how to play at least one musical instrument discussed music while I had nothing to contribute was annoying. I was like a chicken standing among the nightingales. Nevertheless, the chicken could not just stand there for the rest of its life trying to understand the luxurious language of the nightingales. Therefore, I vowed to study one instrument, at least, to understand my friends' talks. Since I was not interested in some popular instruments such as guitar, violin, piano, etc., it took me so much time to choose one to study. For me, I wanted to study a unique but traditional instrument, which is meaningful to Viet Nam.
After that fateful sound, I was so excited that I started to search some information about Dan Bau. It was an enjoyable surprise to find out funny information said that Dan Bau has a different name: Doc Huyen Cam, which in common meaning means "monochord" but in word-by-word translation is "only for Huyen (my name)", for me only. Furthermore, Dan Bau is simple but so unique. It just has a spout, a sound box and one single string while capable of generating wonderful sounds covering a wide tonal range for most songs. In addition, I also discovered some interesting legends about it that would normally make one hesitate. It is said that if you are a girl, you should not listen to Dan Bau. Once you heard, you would never forget it. Since girls who listened to Dan Bau used to fall in love with the players who used to be poor artists, old family used to abandon their daughters to approach it. Another legend warns that Dan Bau's sound is so sad that if you are lovelorn, listening to Dan Bau can cause you to suicide. These sayings could let some people, especially girls, felt afraid of studying Dan Bau; however, for me, conversely, they were so fascinating. I am eager to be the one who creates this charming sound.
Since it was necessary to have a guide and there were not many people studying, I had to sign up for a small but so expensive Dan Bau class. Unfortunately, thinking it was no use and time consuming, my dad did not support my study. An essential plan to get dad's approval started. Whenever there was a chance, I asked him to sit and watched Dan Bau videos with me. Everything we discussed about was intentionally turned into Dan Bau in my effort to convince him. Sometimes when dad passed by, my conversation with friends on phone would immediately be switched to Dan Bau. After two weeks of being bothered, my poor dad, although a stubborn man, could not stand it anymore. Therefore, to escape from the videos, he agreed to help me with the tuition fee. I then felt so energetic to start studying Dan Bau.
Opposite to its simple build, practicing Dan Bau is still so tough. You have to use your hand correctly, to lean upon the particular point for yourself on the string, to use the twang stick in a correct declination to the string to twang the exact sound. If you do not practice correctly, your hands can easily get hurt because of the steel string. At the beginning, my hand edge used to be swollen and my wrist was so sore. Furthermore, using the spout is very complicated since if you do not pull it at the right angel, you cannot twang the exact note. Sometimes do I feel despondent and want to escape from these difficulties. However, thinking about the day when I can play beautifully a full song by Dan Bau inspires me to keep on going. The more I play Dan Bau, the more I understand Vietnamese people. Dan Bau is like a metaphor for Vietnamese people: its simple structure portraits the simple-outlook us, while its deep sound depicts the Vietnamese warm soul. Each sound of it is the forebears' voice through thousands years to nowadays descendants.
Dan Bau's character is one of my goals when studying abroad. Dan Bau can play very beautifully many foreign songs while still keep the Vietnamese soul in its sound. For me, I want to take part in the foreign education but I will maintain the Vietnamese essence in me. One more surprise, my friends, who initially thought Dan Bau was an unwise choice, after seeing me play Dan Bau, are now attracted to it so much. I guess the nightingales now really want to learn the "unique" sound of the little chicken.
Huyen,
You don't appear to have answered the question.You gave a detailed description of this musical genre(?) which you love and appreciate,but have made no link whatsoever to how this had prepared you to add diversity to the college community,which,from my understanding,is the assignment.
Maybe you could use this under option 6 "Topic of your choice."
-Also,there are several sentences where the command of English has stifled meaning e.g."I cannot stop thinking about it several days after. "-(Even after several days,I cannot stop thinking about it.)
-"luxurious language "-this is meaningless.Just erase "luxurious"
-Once you heard, you would never forget it. Since girls who listened to Dan Bau used to fall in love with the players who used to be poor artists, old family used to abandon their daughters to approach it. (Again,this sentence is meaningless)
I understand how meaning can be lost especially when english is not the first language.Your work needs a thorough revision in terms of the use of language.:)Good luck .
Huyen.... this sounds very much like a documentary on Dan Bau. Nowhere have you mentioned yourself... your connection to it( special bond)... Something unique.
Frankly, I could find most of information on Wikipedia. How does this essay stand out.
Let's see... Firstly, what is the point in the essay you want to say. Right now, its like giving a description on Dan Bau. So, bring an angle which shows you and this instrument.
I think the content needs to be worked.
After two weeks of being bothered, my poor dad, although a stubborn man, could not stand it anymore.
This embarrassed me. If your father reads this.... it should be so painful. This is rude and offensive statement that shows you have a cheap sense of humor.
I would suggest the whole para to be DELETED without another thought.
A personality that comes across as a nice, hardworking, cheerful and most of all pleasing is a immediate turn on for the admission committee.
I hope this helps....
PS: I maybe a little harsh so you can wait for Mark and Kevin's reply to analysis the essay.
Actually, the first paragraph is just great. it immediately attract me and i'm eager to know what you're about to say. however, the following part is kind of digression and I can't catch anything about the prompt. whatever, the instrument and your experience are very interesting and special, so i hope you can SHOW us more about them, not just TELL us.
GOOD LUCK!
Dear all,
Firstly, I want to thank you for your comments on my essay! :d
@simbamaxxed: Thank you for your language-using comments! they are very helpful! :D
@ donrocks: Thank you particularly for your harsh comments. They are really very helpful and thank you so much! I have thought a lots about what you said. In my own view, i also think that the "convince Daddy" part is something offensive and digressive! I think I will consider deleting this part! The legends of Dan Bau I mention are all necessary, esp the 1st one is not a popular one that just the veteran artists know about it. Therefore, i think i may keep those legends since they are essential parts when talking about Dan Bau.
@ bepa: Thank you so much for your comment! Somehow it makes me less worried! :D
I think i will work more to show the connection between Dan Bau and myself! I have thought a lots about that but unfortunately, it is so abstract to say by words!
Thank you all again for helping me!
Please make more comments on my essay; therefore, i will be able to make it a working one!
Here is an idea:
For me, I want to take part in the foreign education, but I will maintain the Vietnamese essence in me. One more surprise: my friends, who initially thought Dan Bau was an unwise choice, after seeing me play Dan Bau, are now attracted to it so much.---ha ha, excellent! You write well.
Do you see why I added a colon? (i.e. this---> :). IT can mean "more to come."
:-)
