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"Did God who gave us flowers and trees, also provide the allergies?" - Common App


Egalitarian 2 / 2  
Nov 19, 2010   #1
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

Why are doctors so important? What has bestowed them the status as one of the most respected and praised members of society? Without them, the world would be a catastrophic, unbearable, intolerable, and disastrous place to live in. Essentially, they give life by providing the most direct and critical type of help; they are the supplies of air and oxygen in a medical ventilator. For that reason, doctors play an incontrovertibly vital role in society. There is whom I spent years with in Korea, and he is the one who taught me this and brightened the path to my future.

After a time-consuming allergy test, I learned that I was diagnosed with countless allergies-one of which would later become a barrier in my life: allergic rhinitis. On top of that, the nasal bone shaping my nasal airway was bent, inferred to be genetically inherited down my father's line of generation. Breathing through my nose became extremely uncomfortable and a cumbersome activity when symptoms arose, especially during seasonal changes. I thought I would not be able to bear with it any longer until I was introduced to the otolaryngologist working a few blocks away from where I lived. As a compassionate middle-aged man with a benign smile and friendly attitude, he exemplified my image of a doctor.

He was a busy man. Every visit, regardless of what time and day, the clinic inundated with patients. The pages of the logbook continued on and on until I could find an empty space to record my checkup appointment. While I was sitting in the lobby waiting for my name to be called, my doctor was examining, diagnosing, and treating countless patients. Whether it was a little baby crying in his mother's arms, teenagers coming to visit after classes, adults or the elderly, anybody who came out his office I knew they had less to care about; their burdens were lessened.

As a permanent condition, otherwise treated by changing environments to reduce exposure to allergens, allergic rhinitis became a burden in my life. Visits to the clinic became more frequent, and I gradually developed familiarity with the employees and a bond with my doctor. Checkups, minor treatments, and prescribed pharmaceuticals comprised most of the visits. I left the clinic refreshed and gratified every visit, and days became months and months became years. He performed the many operations I had to undergo, ranging from laser surgeries to remove the swelling as a result of accumulative inflammatory responses to allergens I was exposed to to the partial nasal bone removal to widen the nasal airway. He made my life easier and more comfortable. Simultaneously, he gradually established my dreams and aspirations; he became the catalyst in my chemical reaction.

If I were to be that man on his chair, grinning as he converses with his patient, assuring the patient that there is a solution and nothing to worry about, there would be no other wish. I want to be the one talking to the patient, the former me, desperate to be treated, and provide that help. I know what it is like to deal and be diagnosed with one of the most common, distressing allergies and comprehend the surge of gratitude and joy after being treated. This time I want to learn and augment the qualities of what a doctor should acquire, teach the patients the values of generosity and kindness, convey them the meaning and essence of hospitality, and experience the healing aspect of doctors and praise from people. This time I want to be the one hugged by a child who has been freed from the hands of a natural malice. Having made me decide this path, my doctor is and will always remain my hero.

This is only my first draft, and I'm looking for feedback. If you have the time, please look over my essay. Thanks.
swtlildee 5 / 19  
Nov 27, 2010   #2
It's a very nice topic :)
I think your essay could do with a stronger introduction, however. At the moment, the introduction is generally cliche. Perhaps beginning with your allergy diagnosis, along with some imagery and description, may work to draw the reader in more.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 27, 2010   #3
One old rule of grammar is this: Do not end a sentence with a preposition.
People violate that rule all the time, but it is good if you obey it when you can. Here is a place where you can:

Without them, the world would be a catastrophic, unbearable, intolerable, and disastrous place to live. in .

...they are the suppliers of air and ...

s a compassionate middle-aged man with a benign smile and friendly attitude, he exemplified my image of a doctor.---very good sentence here...

He was a busy man. During every visit, regardless of what time and day, the clinic was inundated with patients.

He performed the many operations I had to undergo, ranging from laser surgeries -- to remove the swelling as a result of accumulative inflammatory responses to allergens to whic h I was exposed -- to the partial nasal bone removal to widen the nasal airway. ------In this sentence, I added a pair of dashes to help manage it. When you have a very complicated, long sentence, it helps to use a pair of dashes. :-)

I like those two very strong sentences at the end!


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