This is the question:
Are there any significant experiences and achievements that helped define you as a person
I would really appreciate your help.
Being in the middle of my teenage life, I cannot escape the fact that I'm also in the middle of knowing myself and knowing the world. Knowing in a sense of learning through my challenges in life, achievements and learning through my relationship with God and with others. Teenage life is the toughest time indeed because I get to see the clear view of life - that it's not about fairytales and happy endings but it's about the reality that not everything is good and not everything may end up the way I want to. However, not everything that started bad may end up bad as well because through my perseverance, I believe I can overcome it.
Having problems and enemies are natural aspects of life. It is the core of knowing ones' self, I believe. Those aspects made me realize more about myself and made me change not only for my own good but also for the good of others. One experience that I won't forget about having enemies is when a classmate of mine confronted me in front of many people. I was not the only one who was shocked but also the people around me. It was an ultimate embarrassment, I know. For that moment, I can't think of anything but to ask myself why is she doing this? After days and days of wondering why, I've come to a realization that what she said is true. I'm acting bossy and dominant to them, and I want to change, I must have my limitations and discipline. I'm eager for a change. The next few months, things get better around me, her and my classmates. It is good to accept the things that others say, but acceptance is not the real key to make things better. For me, the real key is realization and change. Because if one keeps on accepting what other people says and not thoroughly think about it, there will be no improvement in his character and he will stay just the same immature person others know.
Is God real? Is it true that He's there in times of my deepest sorrow? If He is real, then why does He allow sufferings in mankind? These are the things I often think of when I was in my first year high school. My faith in God is definitely on the rocks. I question His presence, His power and all. I've got very shallow understanding of Him. Contrary to this, I was experiencing happiness all over the year. I also have problems, but the kind of problems I have were the ones easy to solve. Little did I know that I've got the greatest problem, and it's about my faith in God. After a few months, I wasn't expecting that my rollercoaster ride is already approaching its big drop. Me and my friends had a misunderstanding and we didn't talk for a long time. Apart from that, I'm having a serious problem about my grades. While thinking about all this, I suddenly stopped and prayed to God. I asked for His forgiveness and His guidance, and thanked Him for giving me quite a long time to enjoy the peak of my rollercoaster ride. That was the time I realized that in times of my sorrow, He's the first one I can go to. After a few days, I talked to my friends, explained my side and asked for forgiveness. They happily accepted me again. As for my grades, I studied really hard to be able to prevent myself from failing. I won't be able to do all this without God's guidance, I thought. Then, I asked myself again "why did I ever doubt His presence when He was giving me a moment of bliss?" God is real, God is always there when I needed Him the most, and God doesn't allow sufferings in mankind; it is us who makes our own sufferings.
Every experience I encounter, may it be good or bad, plays a big role in molding me and knowing me more. During the process of knowing myself, I've learned not only about me but also about God and other people. I've learned that ups and downs are the ones that make my ride of life worthwhile because after every downs of life, knowing that I've overcome and learned something out of it makes me feel stronger and gives me a sense of fulfillment. On the other hand, the ups of life are the moments where I finally get the fruits of my labor. It is the time where I rejoice for I know that every sacrifice I made is all worth it.
* please help me also with my last paragraph (4th paragraph). I don't know if what i've put there is fine already or do i need to add something more? and please help me how will i end it.. thanks :)
I think you should improve the coherence of your essay.
The flow of your essay is I guess, a bit too fast.
From the question alone, you will know that
what you should write is a narrative essay.
you should focus more on the feelings
you felt and relate it to the readers.
your essay should have more descriptions
on what happened, how it happened
what you felt. and you should have strong
connection from one paragraph
to another. :)
please take this as a constructive criticism
BTW, are you applying at Ateneo De Manila?
Being in the middle of my teenage life, I cannot escape the fact that I'm also in the middle of knowing myself and knowing the world. --- this is weirdly powerful. It is interesting to think of a teenager reflecting on life.
This next sentence needs a verb:
I am using the word "knowing" in a sense of.... -- this makes it very clear and interesting.
Having problems and enemies are natural aspects of life. --- instead, write:
Having problems and enemies is a natural part of life.
It is the core of knowing ones' self, I believe. --- this does not make sense. Having problems and enemies does not make you know yourself.
You write very well! I think you should think of a central theme that you want the reader to remember. Focus on a particular experience and let all this philosophy surround that experience and apply to it.
What is the particular experience? What is the theme of this experience? End the first paragraph with a sentence about your main theme. :-)
Hello~
I think your essay have truly shown the process of your growing by questioning yourself about the things that happened in your everyday life. It is really hard to do but I think you did great.
On the other hand, I think the following transition is a little bit subtle:
there will be no improvement in his character and he will stay just the same immature person others know.
Is God real? Is it true that He's there in times of my deepest sorrow?
There seemed to have no relationship between them, and i think looked random. I know what you are getting at but I think you need to put a little bit thought into the wordings. Something like: "As I peeked deeper into my inner self, I my faith in God was put to test as I witnessed the tragedies that are happening every day..."
Or any other thing that make your essay flow.
Good luck~
