Describe a significant life experience and how it has shaped the person you are today.
I woke up feeling tired from the previous day of practice. My house was empty and it it had just sunk in that I was going to be alone for most of the summer.It was a tough decision, but in the end I chose to play baseball this summer over vissiting my grandparents in Mexico. My mom and my brother left yesterday and were still traveling on a 36 hour bus ride to Mexico. I could have been on that bus but baseball has meant to much to me. Baseball has been more than just a game to me it has been a lifestyle. Year after year I have continued to play and just because the competition in high school has been raised does not mean I am going to give up on the sport.
That summer of 2007 was the longest of my life. Every night I watched the moon, knowing that my brothers in Mexico were watching the same moon. The fist week I felt extremely lonely. My dad was gone from the house working from 6 am to 4 pm, and my mom and brother were enjoying themselves in Mexico. I learned how to depend on myslef and become more independent. Being the first time I was seperated from my mom for more than a couple of days, I had some pretty disgusting breakfasts the first couple of weeks. Everything I tried to cook was either burned tasting like ashes, or not cooked well enough tasting like fresh blood. Eventually I learned to cook decent meals. There was nobody nagging me to clean after myself, which lead to a messy house the first week which that did not have a nice odor to it. I realized why my mom cleaned so much, one can not sleep when an odor roams through the house, it will not let you sleep. I had practices and games all summer, I had to be my own alarm clock now because there was not anyone to tap my shoulder and wake me up or give me a ride. I learned a lot about myslef that summer. I felt mature enough to take on any task and my confidence was higher than the moon than I watched every night that helped me fall asleep. I am an individual that has transfomed into a young adult that has high hopes, big dreams, and plenty of self-motivation.
I know i still need to work on this, but for now any comments? Thank you very much.
Hi David,
Nice work! First and foremost, I love how your sense of humor really feeds this piece of writing. You write:
"Everything I tried to cook was either burned tasting like ashes, or not cooked well enough tasting like fresh blood. Eventually I learned to cook decent meals. There was nobody nagging me to clean after myself, which lead to a messy house the first week which that did not have a nice odor to it. I realized why my mom cleaned so much, one can not sleep when an odor roams through the house, it will not let you sleep."
This made me laugh aloud. In fact, I think humor is one of your greatest strengths as a writer--and would like to see you develop it a little more throughout this essay. There are some mechanical issues with the excerpt above, but on a content level, it is great.
I have a few other broad notes for you:
-Give a better sense of 'the stakes' in this essay. How old were you in 2007? Why was your mother leaving so significant? Had you ever been alone before? Where do you live? Had you always gone to Mexico during previous summers?
-Work on your introduction--give more details, show how critical baseball was in your life (what level were you competing at?)
-Polish mechanics--This essay will require a more comprehensive, thorough edit. I noticed several spelling errors (to vs too, vissiting vs visiting), and some sentence construction issues as well.
-End on a funny note! You can of course explain how you matured in your mother's absence, but you can still add a dose of humor. I love the bit about the laundry keeping you awake. This could be a great closing line, perhaps how you plan to do your laundry in college! :)
Just a few ideas, hope they help.
Best of luck to you this admissions season!
Sincerely,
Janson
