Quest Bridge College Prep Essay
The topic is: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
This is my first draft. I will revise much more before I send in my essay, but for now, can you tell me if I am heading in the right direction and what I could improve on? Thank you!!
I believe hard work is the most important aspect to success, and I also believe that luck plays a magnificent role of nurturing one's perspiration into a blossoming fruit. I have been granted the greatest opportunity I can possibly have; the opportunity to come to America. This opportunity has already opened so many doors for me, and there are still countless doors awaiting my exploration.
I lived in a small village in Vietnam until the age of nine when my mom with her eyes shimmering with hope told me, "We are going to America." After my dad passed away two years earlier, we both needed to start anew. I've never been outside of my little hometown in Vietnam, let alone a new country. On my departure date, my grandmother held my hands while trying to keep her tears back told me I was her only hope for my dad's legacy to live on.
Learning a new language proved to be an arduous task, but my struggles only gave me the inspiration to propel myself into the future, and I knew that what I wanted to achieve required more effort than most people. By the fifth grade, I achieved the ultimate report card with all A's, and I never went back to a B ever since. Continuing on with middle and high school, my responsibility increases at home as well as in school. As I grow older, my mom's struggles become more transparent to me as she works to not only provide for me but also to be as a mother and a father figure at the same time. My steady "income" at Chick-Fil-A gives me the independence I longed for without ever asking money from my mom.
People look at my report cards and assume with an opaque view that I comprehend English with ease, but they often do not realize the longer hours I put into reading and writing because English is still a second language to me. Spending extra time on homework assignments is not burden to me; it as a blessing. When my cousins in Vietnam tell me their struggles, I could not count my blessings enough. I was given this grand opportunity to come to America and make a life for myself that my parents who never even passed the 6th grade did not have.
America has given me much more invaluable things than tangible objects. She has given me the ability to dream and the inspiration to know that if I work hard enough with the opportunity that I've been given, all my dreams will be obtainable. At times, I wonder how my life would be in Vietnam, and I could see my mom's struggles multiply as well as mine. So even though my life here would not be the epitome of "perfect," it is the embodiment of "opportunities" and I see my opportunities of the gateway to a perfect life for my mom and me.
I think that you have a great concept and you explained quite well. you're right. you are lucky. also, your essay is very well-written. I was surprised when you mentioned that english wasn't your first language, I would never have guessed. great job.
you have an issue with sentence placing here I lived in a small village in Vietnam until the age of nine when my mom,with her eyes shimmering with hope, told me, "We are going to America." After my dad passed away two years earlier, we both needed to start anew maybe switch those two concepts around? they seem out of order..
my parents who never even passed the 6th grade did not have replace "never even" with "did not" or plain old "never".
my mom's struggles become more transparent to me I think you mean "apparent" instead of "transparent".
why is opportunities in quotations? you should take it out in my opinion, but you don't have to. it isn't a language error or anything, just my opinion.
you have a few wording choices here, my grandmother held my hands while trying to keep her tears back told me I was her only hope for my dad's legacy to live on here, provide for me but also to be as a mother and a father figure and here and I see my opportunities of the gateway to a perfect life for my mom and me that are awkward but understandable. so maybe switch the words around? try reading it out loud. that always helps me.
other than those, replace that semicolon with a comma and you're good to go. you did a great job, this essay is really inspiring. I hope this helps, good luck!
p. s. I'm applying to Questbridge too! (:
I lived in a small village in Vietnam until the age of nine when my mom with her eyes shimmering with hope told me, "We are going to America."
I was born and raised in a small village in Vietnam. When I was nine, my mom one day told me "We are going to America" and I still remember how her eyes gleamed with hope.After my dad passed away two years earlier, we both needed to start anew. I've never been outside of my little hometown in Vietnam, let alone a new country. On my departure date, my grandmother held my hands while trying to keep her tears back told me I was her only hope for my dad's legacy to live on.
Yes, we both were awaiting for a new life after my dad passed away two years prior this day. Without any experience of living outside from my little town, I was still enthusiastic about this new opportunity. On the day of departure, my grandmother held me while bursting out with tears and whispered in my ears, "My only hope is that you would carry forward your father's legacy".