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"You're not going to college!" - CNR application essay

RabiaG 1 / 30  
Dec 19, 2009   #1
The essay requires me to write about:Describe an event that has changed your life. How has
this event influenced your plans for a college education? I am limited to 500 words, but I asked the school and they allow a little bit over the required amount. I have 545 words. I would appreciate your honesty. Thank you!

I thought I lost eternal hope that day. It was the yelling of her elusive words that made the emotions of antagonism and astonishment shower my body. My comprehension to her words was like a fork picking up soup. However, it was the same words that held my fingers together to answer all the math problems in my Pre-Calculus textbook at 2 a.m. Regardless, the black sky did not stop me from sleeping.

I reminisced the weight of my mother's words as I turned the pages to the next logarithmic equation. "You're not going to college!" caused this infrequent trepidation in the ends of my arm hair. The Atlantic Ocean transported on to my face.

It was that same day that my younger sister deceptively instanced messaged boys from her class. She said it was because she yearned for assistance with her physics homework. I rolled my ideas at her insane idea. It was her typical excuse to overcome hostility with my pious parents about mingling with the opposite gender.

As she typed, I tip-toed behind her, preventing any sudden movements. With immense force and redness on my face, I grabbed the mouse from her, attempting to fulfill an older sister role. However she stubbornly pulled it back. "Who are you talking to!?" My teeth tightened. Gradually, the pulling and yelling exacerbated. I knew she was hiding something as resentment transferred to the pulling of my uneven curls. I persistently held her hand but she remained confident to burry me under her vigor.

In surrender, I screamed my older sister's name. The original scene resulted into a wrestling match with now an audience that contained my mother. My mother's unified eyebrows rushed into my sister's face. I gradually departed from her fingers. I meticulously stared at my mother's light skin transforming into reddish tones.

It was quite obvious that my mother was fed up with my sister's redundancy and illusiveness. She struggled to allow patience dominate her anger. She stood in the middle of the room and yelled out those words because of her dissatisfaction with her daughters. She believed that my sister was a replication of my actions, thus she did not wish for me to focus on college. She believed that I would end up as a misleading daughter. She believed that if I attended a university, I would abuse my newly given independence and freedoms. I despised how my mother placed me in the lower level of my sister in which she herself had created. She believed I too was unfit for college. She thought it would harm me rather than benefit me.

"You're not going to college!" repeated in my mind, as sanguinity gave me the ability to turn the pages, late at night. Neither phrase, nor assumptions were going to act as hindrances in my life. Motivation replaced my sensitivity. I was mentally encouraged to prove to my mother that I will attend college. I diligently thought of this desired success for my academic future. My mother's words stinged me into discovering the horrid possibility of not pursuing a college education. I plan to go to college to show who I really am. My mother needs to depart her ideal images of intertwining me and my sister's personalities as one.
alejxa 3 / 7  
Dec 19, 2009   #2
I really enjoyed reading your essay, it was powerful and very well written. I found no flaws but don't count on me as a reliable source of grammatical corrections. you definately won't have much editing to do.
OP RabiaG 1 / 30  
Dec 19, 2009   #3
Thank you!
I was actually having the most trouble with my conclusion, and tying it well it the entire theme, and to the question.
Vulpix - / 71  
Dec 19, 2009   #4
The basic premise of your essay is very strong. Overcoming challenges in order to go to college- now there's a theme that adcoms adore! However, your execution is a little shaky. You rely a little too much of figurative language that doesn't serve a definitive purpose except to distract the reader- at least, that's the effect that it gives me. You don't need to try to impress people with fancy words or expressions. The best thing you can do is to just write with simplicity and clarity- your ideas will be all the more powerful for it.

"I thought I lost eternal hope that day."
The fact you begin with "I thought" makes the entire statement weaker, since it gives the reader an impression of diffidence, and "eternal hope" is just the wrong expression for this statement. Is your hope always eternal? Just because "eternal" is a common modifier for "hope" doesn't mean that you have to describe it that way. Personally, I would reduce the awkwardness of this sentence by saing "I nearly lost hope that day", which seems cleaner and more direct to me. I don't know- it's your choice.

"It was the yelling of her elusive words that made the emotions of antagonism and astonishment shower my body."
Consider me bemused- why are her words elusive? And why are your emotions showering you? Since you also talk about soup in the next sentence, it seems like you're mixing a few too many metaphors here (my brain immediately makes the leap to showering with soup). Also, simplify your syntax! "I was engulfed by antagonism and astonishment as she engulfed me in hurtful (or elusive, if you will) words" gets rid of your gerund and the redundancy of "emotions", since it's already that implied that "antagonism and astonishment" are emotions.

"However, it was the same words that held my fingers together to answer all the math problems in my Pre-Calculus textbook at 2 a.m. Regardless, the black sky did not stop me from sleeping."

At this point, my bemusement is bordering on befuddlement- how are the words holding your fingers together? I'm assuming you're using the expression figuratively, but why would your fingers need to be together (I'm picturing a clenched fist here) to answer math problems? And if the black sky "did not stop" you from sleeping, then how did you do the math problems? Perhaps you used the wrong negation there?

Go through the process I just used there for all of your sentences. Read each sentence individually out loud, and consider all of the possible ways it could be misconstrued. Read it to someone else if possible, just to double check. Then, rewrite the sentence to make it sound exactly the way you want it to. I find that reading out loud in particular really helps- it's amazing how ridiculous certain things sound when you actually say the words. Good luck with your essay, and the rest of your application!
OP RabiaG 1 / 30  
Dec 19, 2009   #5
Thank you so much! Your criticism def. helps me.
And I agree my figurtive language does became excessive, which might lead into confusion.
but I would like to comment what you had said regarding this

"However, it was the same words that held my fingers together to answer all the math problems in my Pre-Calculus textbook at 2 a.m. Regardless, the black sky did not stop me from sleeping."

I am trying to say that these words, which had nearly given me no hope, actually helped me gain optimism. I'm doing my homework, late at night. usually when it's 2 am, and the dark sky is out at night, one would be sleeping, but instead im motivated, and im determined to do well in school, and to complete my homework.

This specific line, also is supposed to indicate that I reminiscing this situation, as im doing my homework.

In addition, with the "soup" line.

Im trying to emphasize on the elusive words.
And the words being elusive, I thought that would be answered throughout my answer.

But it's elusive because I am shocked because me going to college is important to me, so not going is difficult to comprehend.
That, and because I wouldn't expect my mother to say that.
Vulpix - / 71  
Dec 19, 2009   #6
Oh, I see what you're trying to say now! Perhaps you could restate it as "But as the sky darkened outside, the clock approached 2am, and I struggled to finish my Pre-Calc homework, those same words gave me the motivation to persevere."
OP RabiaG 1 / 30  
Dec 19, 2009   #7
Thank you!
I don't know to me, that line sounds awkward. Especially, towards the end, those same words...
There is no connected word with the previous phrase.
Vulpix - / 71  
Dec 19, 2009   #8
"Those same words" refers to "her elusive words" (sentence 2) and "her words" (sentence 3). You used almost the same expression in your original sentence: "However, it was the same words that held my fingers together", so I was trying to preserve some of your writing style. I just changed "the" to "those" because it sounded more natural to me- but if it doesn't sound natural to you, then by all means don't use it! This is your essay, after all, and all of my suggestions are only suggestions :)
OP RabiaG 1 / 30  
Dec 20, 2009   #9
Thanks Vulpix for those helpful suggestions.

I would appreciate for others to edit, comment, suggest!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 21, 2009   #10
Thanks for all the help you have been giving people lately, I appreciate it!!

I thought I lost eternal hope that day. -----> This could mean lots of different things. Why use the word eternal? Maybe a different sentence would be better for expressing the feeling that all hope seemed to be lost that day.

It was the yelling of her elusive words that made the emotions of antagonism and astonishment shower my body. ----> antagonism is not an emotion. Elusive means that she is tricky and hard to keep track of.

My comprehension of her words was like a fork picking up soup.----> well... it seems that you are saying this: My attempt to comprehend her words was like an attempt to pick up soup with a fork.

But, then again, if you could not comprehend her words, they could not hurt you.

My solution is this:
I thought I lost eternal... stop me from sleeping .
I still reminisce about the weight of the words spoken by my mother as I turned the pages to the next logarithmic equation.
I know it is not fun to kill a whole paragraph of your writing, but I think this sentence in paragraph 2 is a powerful way to start.

OP RabiaG 1 / 30  
Dec 21, 2009   #11
It's very interesting hearing from other perspectives.
And I didn't realize until you questioned it, on how could the words be elusive, yet hurtful?

But I perceived it, as the first time i heard her words, it was hard to comprehend because education is important to me, so taking it away, would be hard to understand at first.

And I mention before that, how I was astonished, so I was so astonished that at first I could not comprehend to her elusive words.

But I thought elusive mean't hard to grab?

And the soup sentence, that is exactly what I mean.

Thank You, again!
juesewang 4 / 9  
Dec 21, 2009   #12
your right. Elusive does mean hard to grad. Elusive is a synonym for vague, but i would still find another word. Perhaps, unfathomable or inconceivable?
OP RabiaG 1 / 30  
Dec 21, 2009   #13
Great Word! That is the precise word for what I mean.

ilovelaughing 2 / 8  
Dec 21, 2009   #14
Very strong essay. I think if there's anything that you feel is "iffy" then you should take it out, because it is better to be safe and within the limits.
OP RabiaG 1 / 30  
Dec 21, 2009   #15
I agree, there is def. some parts that I feel iffy about. But the difficult part is judging if it's worded weird or not.

But Thank You for the suggestions.

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