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'Going to dance class every Saturday' - Common App - Topic of Choice


trishhha 8 / 23  
Sep 15, 2011   #1
I was not sure what essay topic to choose so I just wrote what came to mind and this is my first rough draft. I need help making it flow better and I need better word choice. It's exactly 436 words right now which is just fine but I may add more later. Please help!!

I detest it. Going to dance class every Saturday afternoon was probably the worst thing of my life at the age of four. This clearly showed in the way I did my steps. My mother would be exasperated and my teacher would ask her to be patient. "The love will dawn soon", she would tell her. So these Saturday classes continued without any expectations from anyone. This went on for a couple of years. As I progressed four steps ahead, I took two back. Then one day my older sister had her first performance. When I saw her on stage, I did not feel good. We both started learning dance at the same time; how come I am not performing? My mother was pleased. Slowly, I started performing on stage in the back where I could not be seen. I guess that is where I really started enjoying dance and danced "like no one was watching." The music, the lights, the glittery costumes transformed me. I felt beautiful. I started practicing more sincerely and my dance improved. I had the dance graduation program with my sister at an exclusive theater at the age of twelve. Thus began the actual journey. There has been no looking back since then.

Many times there would be arguments with my father about how many hours I am spending in dance classes and performing and how I was neglecting my school work and sleep. I would just say, "Don't worry, I'll manage." Then he would argue what I get in return for all this and how it would help me in my life. I had no answer for this. What he had said made sense. The only logical explanation for this insanity is love and pure joy of dancing. I am indebted to my teacher and mother. This joy would have been lost to me if it was not for them. I guess this is the same joy which prompts so many in the world to pursue arts in the face of adversity seeking nothing in return.

This made me realize that in spite of it all, there are people who appreciate the fine art of Indian classical dance and it is due to the contributions of such people that this form of art has survived so many centuries. At such times I feel I am a tiny part of this wonderful universe of dance. Am I going to become a dance teacher? As of today, maybe not, but when my children tell me they dread their Saturday afternoon class, I will simply tell them that the love will dawn soon.

I didn't know how to phrase this sentence, "As I progressed four steps ahead, I took two back." it sounds awkward but if you get what I am trying to say, any suggestions on how to word it better?
cclu3312 2 / 2  
Sep 23, 2011   #2
Interesting topic! I think it's really strong :)!
Although I think some of the sentences are a bit awkward o:
Try reading this aloud, maybe? I find that reading my essays to myself often catches some awkward sentences/grammatical errors.

"Going to dance class every Saturday afternoon was probably the worst thing in my life at the age of four."
The 'at the age of four' clause seems to just barely hang at the end, so I would move it to the front of the sentence and use a comma;

"At the age of four, going to dance class every Saturday afternoon was probably the worst thing in my life."

"I guess that iswas when I really started enjoying dance and danced..."
Past tense :>

"I would put on my iPod headphones to cancel out all the noises and go (?) get through my reading assignments."
I have to ask though, why were you going through reading assignments right before a preformance?
I'm sorry if it's just a dance term that I'm unfamiliar with. orz

I hope this helps, even a little bit~
imonaroll 2 / 3  
Sep 24, 2011   #3
The idea is great but I think you have to show more on how this made you the kind of person you are today. And near the end your essay sentences tend to get a bit awkward. Add more detail about how you feel when you dance too.
OP trishhha 8 / 23  
Sep 29, 2011   #4
Dance is a pulse; one can only feel the passion to truly understand the reason why dancers go through such great lengths for little reward.

does this make sense?
ajit88rai 22 / 188 3  
Sep 29, 2011   #5
Reading the whole thread above, I think you made considerable improvements in this essay. A really cool and interesting essay and I dont really think you need to improve it any further.It might be having some minor errors , but I cant notice them. Overall theme is really awesome ,reminded me of the movie STEP UP.

Good luck with ur dancing.
audreyaustin 1 / 3  
Oct 3, 2011   #6
Beautiful!
I have a couple suggestions...
Abhorrence feels a little strong for a four year old, maybe use a different word?
I started performing in the back where I could not be seen. I guess that it is where I really started enjoying dance and danced "like no one was watching."

Try to steer clear of cliches
Maybe try: I started performing in the back, where I could dance unseen.

Good luck! are you applying to dance schools?


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