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"going to enojoy my ups" - UPENN supplimentary.

Changan 1 / 10  
Dec 28, 2009   #1
I know its very late. But I just couldn't think of anything at all. All the above writings seem so good. I dont think i am eligible. Seems like im going off my topic so much... is this okay? or should I just talk about that one certain community? ( which by the way is STWing)and write some about that and cut out all the side talks that I wrote?

Benjamin Franklin established the Union Fire Company, the Library Company of Philadelphia, the American Philosophical Society, Pennsylvania Hospital, and, of course, the charity school that evolved into the University of Pennsylvania. As they served the larger community of Philadelphia, each institution in turn formed its own community.

Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania is most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?

I first learned about University of Pennsylvania through my brother who has always been my mentor and a role model. He was an alumnus, a rather good one, graduating in the top of his class. He would often take me downtown and show me the school and its vast campus. He would babble nonstop of how remarkable the school was and what it could do for me.

What first caught my attention weren't any prestigious programs or majors UPENN offered; it was Penn's value on hands-on activities rather than long boring lectures off the book. Holding 165 research centers and institutes, and over 3800 faculty and 5400 assistants, Penn's great dedication towards research facility is what makes UPenn so unique and attractive to science students worldwide just like me. Becoming a doctor was my childhood dream. UPenn is an ideal place for me to continue working towards my dream; Hospitals on campus, eligibility for graduate classes and graduate level research for undergraduates and its exquisite facilities created one of most renowned environments for student's to pursue the science of medicine. I too desire to experience this overwhelming opportunity in pursuing a degree in medicine.

Finding the right school has been hard for me due to my diverse interests. During my years of high school, I grew an affinity towards Engineering and technology through a unique program called SPARC. SPARC stands for Space Research Center. Students in this project come together to build and operate a simulation of the Space Shuttle, requiring different groups in robotics, medical, engineering, computer science, flight planning, publicity and secretarial work. SPARC is a student run project, but supported by even NASA itself. Each group undergoes hands-on training of the field, which is both fun and educational at the same time. When I heard about the Science and Technology Wing at UPENN, I immediately knew it was the program for me (It immediately SPARC'ed my interest, no pun intended). Similarly to SPARC, STWing is a large community based project. Whether it may be building go karts or blimps or just working on computers, its desires to use a given student's knowledge and abilities to accomplish amazing and, more importantly, really entertaining things draws me towards a career at UPENN. Also, through STWing's dinner discussions with prominent researchers and faculty, I would like to share my experiences and knowledge and bring fresh perspective to the STWing community and eventually the Penn community.

UPenn, located in the city of Philadelphia, is a gathering place of the world. Penn's excellent academic and social programs attract people from all over the world, including me. Meeting diverse people sounds very interesting, and it will definitely provide me with a global perspective. Through my brother, I have seen the outcomes of privileged study at UPENN, I hope to follow in his footsteps and become a Upenn graduate. Once accepted, not only will I contribute fresh perspective to the community, and serve the community through diligent innovations, but continue my study in pre-med to become a doctor to help others. So pick me to be your student, and you won't regret your choice.

Not finished yet. ... just wanted to know if the idea is a good choice of writing.
PS, not in paragraph form. and sorry about my childish writings T--T
JVan09 2 / 2  
Dec 28, 2009   #2
Now I am going to enojoy my ups. There will be nomore downs for me because I strive for better and work hard to achieve what I have to do....

I think your topic is pretty solid you just need to elaborate more, and change a few things. Don't worry about having not so good writing I'm sure you'll improve!! :) I hope I helped you a bit.
z4evafoolz 7 / 31  
Dec 28, 2009   #3
Hey Chang,

I'm well aware that you only have 3 days to fix this, but i think you might need to start from scratch.

The problem is that you're not answering the question - "Which academic and social communities? How can you contribute to them? How can you contribute to the greater Penn society?"

From the late 3rd paragraph you talk about the academic communities available at UPenn, and im hoping that you would do that for social communities too. The 2nd paragraph is off-topic and it is not necessary. Perhaps start about describing how you got to know Penn and how you were let known to many opportunities at Penn through your brother in introduction, and then go off on talking about 2 specific ones in body paragraphs (1 academic, 1 social).

It's up to you whether to use or to ignore my feedbacks :)
LewisClark13 1 / 9  
Dec 28, 2009   #4
I actually like your topic, and I don't really think that you go off the topic too much. I mean, I think that the whole topic is just asking what will you contribute to the campus and you do address that. I would elaborate on the experience and add some more detail.
OP Changan 1 / 10  
Dec 28, 2009   #5
Mmm I was thinking maybe I was talking too much about myself. The question is about :

Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn.

Its not actually in paragrph form and actually 2nd paragraph starts listing of how i got to know PENN and how I have interest in science and tech. ( STWing) Stwing is both academic and social comm. because its school program and it does extra activities.. building stuff competing in competitions and stuff like that. and I was thinking of ending with 4th paragrpah
OP Changan 1 / 10  
Dec 28, 2009   #6
I am worried about so much repetition... is it okay? Fix my grammar and any suggestion to make it better?

"Life is full of ups and downs. The trick is to enjoy the ups and have courage during the downs."
I was only 10 years-old when my family immigrated to America unexpectedly. The nation was still recovering from the recent 9/11 attacks, but it was also a time of catastrophe for me. In the following years my parents divorced and I continually struggled with school. I locked myself in my bedroom in effort to escape from my reality. I began to think school was meaningless and eventually stopped attending. Life was but a vertical downfall for me it seemed. However, everything changed when my mom remarried. My new family wasn't anything like the evil step-families from fairy tales like Cinderella and ...

-Contribute my life exp
- be someone that can help others of relieving their distress.
rtgrove123 5 / 9  
Dec 28, 2009   #7
Ok, well I am assuming this is the Why Penn essay? I really did like your paragraph about your brother. This one is great. It shows how you came to love Penn. However, I am a bit confused how the beginning of your essay ties in here. I would start with that second paragraph and build from it.
OP Changan 1 / 10  
Dec 28, 2009   #8
I was thinking that it ties that my life started as downfall....
blah blah blah..~~ just trying to show that I worked my way up from difficulty and that I now want to enjoy the fruit of my accomplishments continuing on at UPENN?
z4evafoolz 7 / 31  
Dec 28, 2009   #9
Again, I have no clue how you're answering the question.. Your first paragraph is completely off-topic in my opinion. The question isnt: "describe an event that has impacted you significantly". You're talking about how your step-father came into your house, and pushed you to do certain things (puruse academic and social stuff), and you're saying that they supported you. Does that answer the question "how can you contribute to the university and to the larger Penn Community?" I believe it doesnt.

So to me, you're spending about a quarter to a third of your page (the limit is one-page, single spaced as we all know it) trying to get to the point that you came across UPenn thru your step-brother who came in when you were at your 'down' stage of the life, and they gave you 'courage' to live through it.

NOW you're answering the question on your 2nd paragraph, and i can see that you will in the future paragraphs by the looks of your plan. This is gonna be excellent (seriously). Except, you wont fit all of that with a lengthy, off-topic first paragraph which consumes a third of your typing space.

The quote at the beginning also does not match what you're saying in the body paragraphs - it just supports your first paragraph when you were down and ppl came to give you courage (which, i say again, is off-topic). In a 600-word essay (1 page), talking about all this is impossible. Getting straight to the point, nailing the question and hammering it throughout your essay are the best ways to not let the admmissions committee fall asleep at 2am in the morning with a stockpile of essays on the corner of their desks.

To add, I would also talk about social communities, not just the med school (academic community). But that's just a possibility. The above feedbacks are recommendations.


*EDIT: I love the way rtgrove123 put it. He said all of my comments in the simplest form.
OP Changan 1 / 10  
Dec 28, 2009   #10
Mmm okay... I get you. Ill eliminate the first paragraph and probably i can use it for other essays. ...
for social comm. The UPENN sight told me it was more of an "extracurricular interests" which I would like to list of STWing's competitions and self-projects... and about my interest in working at the hospital helping out pep for comm service...

will that be a good ideA?
OP Changan 1 / 10  
Dec 29, 2009   #11

Can someone help me revise and look over and correct? and HELP me write conclusion please

!! Thanks! Its not exactly in paragrpah forms either! T-0-T THANKS again! for all who answers
RHFJordan 2 / 5  
Dec 29, 2009   #12
Sorry if the following comes out to be a bit harsh, but this essay is not the strongest in terms of grammar and sentence structure.

I get what you're trying to say but you need to narrow it down a bit.

For example, instead of dragging on the introduction to why you are interested, actually say what you are interested in and why.
"Like any young kid, I myself also struggled to narrow down my interest of study that is divided in countless ways.However,when my brother introduced me to the opportunity to continue on my Childhood dream of becoming a doctor through Penn's prestigious science courseswith inormally high acceptance rate and recently grown interest in the engineering and technology, I knew it was just for me. Science and Technology Wing, STWing for short, is where I can continue this on."

The things in red are what is important and what you should focus on.

Just make it simple. Maybe try saying this:
When my brother introduced me to Penn's prestigious science courses, such as STWing, I knew that it was the place for me because...
Simpler is sometimes better

The following sentences are a bit repetitive

1)"I continue to make effort to follow his footst (spelling)
I longed for the day I can follow his footstool (Footstep (which one better?) footstep is better ) and become just like him."
2)"Also, UPenn, located in the city of Philadelphia, is a location where world comes together."

Awkward grammar :
1)"What caught my eye to be so determined to go to the school weren't any programs or majors"
2)"Both STWing and pre-med courses that I wish to take at UPENN isn't just a way for me to be involved in academic community, it is also for the social community."

3)"I continue to make effort to follow his footst
I longed for the day I can follow his footstool (Footstep (which one better?)) and become just like him. "

Make sure that you review your essay for spelling mistakes. Small things like that can effect your application.
OP Changan 1 / 10  
Dec 29, 2009   #13
This guy from Brainfuse help told me to redo the whole thing. Any opinions? he said i need to be more focused on the question.;; .... HELP!
RHFJordan 2 / 5  
Dec 29, 2009   #14
The essay looks a lot better now; definitely more focused

It jumped me to joy that I can continue on my passion this kind of organizations. is largely project based community. (what is that sentence?)

For your conclusion I think that you should restate how diverse UPenn is, and how much it has to offer, and then maybe you can finish it all up by saying how you will benefit the larger UPenn community once you are admitted.

I'd be happy to look at the essay one more time if you want me too

Good luck

one more thing, could you help me?

and i know this is a stupid question to ask, but how do you get to the essay that you posted?
OP Changan 1 / 10  
Dec 30, 2009   #15
This my my final copy guys. Please take a look and correct grammer/word misplacings and add in any comment and ideas to improvement. PS. my word choices were very simple maybe any suggestion to placing better/more efficient word?
smileypeace 2 / 11  
Dec 30, 2009   #16
i enjyed reading your essay. The image you create with yourself and your brother is beautiful.

I would say that the last line of your essay is going too far. I think it makes you sound desperate. the idea is for you and the school to be a perfect match- if it is, then you won't have to beg them to let you in.

Finding the right school has been hard for me due to my diverse interests.-- instead of saying this, write: With a diverse range of interests,I imagined it woudl be difficult/ a challenge to find a school that matched my criteria. But..

Please read my common app essay.. thanks
TC3 4 / 37  
Dec 30, 2009   #17
very nice subject and well-written! and yeah i agree the last sentence should be taken out. specific tho and you get your ideas across

can you read my upenn essay?

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