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"What's going on in my family" - Florida State University Essay- Global awareness


agoldtho 3 / 6  
Sep 3, 2012   #1
I'm obviously not done, but what do you think of the beginning? Is it a good start? Or should I do it all over?

Here's the prompt: Florida State University is more than just a world-class academic institution preparing you for a future career. We are a caring community of well-rounded individuals who embrace leadership, learning, service, and global awareness. With this in mind, which of these characteristics appeal most to you and why?

What exactly is global awareness? It's an interesting question, because after reading the prompt, it was instantly the characteristic that stuck out to me the most. When thinking of the thing most defining of me, global awareness was the clear choice. However, when writing this essay, I'm having a difficult time deciding why. There is no definition for global awareness on Wikipedia, when googling it, I am faced with numerous web pages, none of which answering the question. What comes to mind for me when I think of global awareness is simply the knowledge of what is going on in the world, knowing that there was an earthquake in Chile, or being aware of the poor economy in Italy. For the sake of this essay, I'm going to assume that I am correct in my personal definition.

To begin with why exactly I relate so much with global awareness, I'll start with the fact that born in the United Kingdom. Instead of spending my summers on the sunny Florida beaches, every year I take the eight hour plane ride to London Heathrow. I drive two hours to Oxford to visit my mom's mother; I take a train to Yorkshire to visit my Granddad. Just this fact alone, makes me at least slightly more globally aware than the average American high school senior. I understand how England's government works and I take personal interest if I read about a bomb in London. To me, Global Awareness is not just what is going on in other countries; it is what is going on in my family.
APD 2 / 5  
Sep 3, 2012   #2
Hey! You're essay so far is pretty well focused and interesting. One thing I do think should be changed is the reference to Wikipedia. Wikipedia is seen as an unreliable and informal resource especially for educational research, I would personally take that bit out. Taking into consideration that you aren't finished yet, I'm not sure of whether your last paragraph is done? As of right now, I think it's somewhat weak in proving your assertion (weak in terms of giving clear examples and explaining them) went from visiting grandparents to the government to reading about a bomb in one sentence. Overall, you essay seems to be a strong foundation for a great essay! Good luck and please help edit mine! :)

Grammar
When thinking of the thing(sounds informal change to attribute or feature) most defining of me, global awareness was the clear choice.
To begin with why exactly I relate so much with global awareness, I'll start with the fact that born(add an 'I') in the United Kingdom.


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