Intro: The essay below is my first draft of the Common App essay. I wrote about my weight loss as something that is central to my identity. Please help me revise it in any way possible. The essay is 673 words long while the limit is 650, so any advice on what to remove/change would also be helpful. Any critiquing is appreciated. Thank you!
Prompt: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Essay:
I knew there was a problem when I ran out of breath by walking up the stairs. As a kid, I was never concerned about my health. I ate whatever I wanted to and moved as little as I could possibly get away with. Having asthma, I never really engaged in rigorous athletic activities. Thoughts of eating healthy and exercising filled me with anxiety. I questioned if good health was really worth all the trouble. My parents would tell me that I needed to do something about my weight, but that would just annoy me and I'd brush it off because I simply did not care. I was lacking proper motivation, and it wasn't until the last day of junior year that I found it.
Sitting in class, finished with finals, everyone was excitedly talking about summer vacation. My teacher seemed to be in a good mood as well, and he told us why. Being one of my favorite teachers who I had looked up to all year, I paid close attention. Months before, a doctor had told him that he needed to do something about his poor physical health before it got out of hand. Taking this information, he made a massive lifestyle change and fixed it. Hearing this story had a special effect on me because I was in a similar situation. I didn't want my health to reach a point so low that a doctor would have to tell me to make a change. I was motivated to make a similar change and fix my own health so I could have that same feeling of joy I saw on his face.
I knew it wouldn't be easy, but nothing worth having comes easy. I went home that day and began researching on what to do. I also downloaded an app to help me keep track of my progress. I found out that stress can cause weight gain, but now that I was free from the burden of all those AP classes, I could check that one off. I also needed to incorporate exercise into my life. My family couldn't afford a gym membership for me, but luckily my eldest brother had bought a treadmill several years back that I could use. Another thing I desperately needed to correct was my diet. I'd been eating greasy Indian foods for too long. I didn't want to make my mom cook me a separate dish for every meal, so I found simple things I could make myself or my mom could make very easily. With all these factors accounted for and a plan made, I set out to achieve my goal.
Just as I had thought, it wasn't easy. Several things came up and it seemed like they were trying to throw me off. First was Ramadan. After spending a whole day fasting, it was tough not to indulge at night. I couldn't exercise during the day due to the scorching heat and a fear of dehydration. Even through all that, I managed. I incorporated vegetables into my diet. Those low calorie nutrient rich foods made me feel full without getting in the way of my goal. After conquering one obstacle, another presented itself. My sister, her husband, and their two kids decided to visit. Our house isn't very big, and the treadmill is in the same room as my 3 year old nephew played around in. I thought I could exercise when they slept, but being an old treadmill, it was simply too loud. I had to time it perfectly every day. When they were eating, I worked out. When they were sleeping, the kitchen was free and I could continue my healthy diet.
Life kept throwing things my way, but I couldn't let any of them hold me down. I had set a goal and I wasn't going to give up this time. Following through with my goal, I managed to lose almost 30 pounds in 4 months and I knew I was one step closer to living a healthy life.
Written by: Haseeb Yahya
The topic you chose is good since it shows how you feel dedicated to your decision. However, there are some sentences you could revise that would make the essay seem more coherent and also would make it shorter.
I knew there was a problem when I ran out of breath by walking up the stairs. As a kid, I was never concerned about my health. Though I knew there exist a problem since I would ran out of breath everytime walking up the stairs, as a kid, I was never concerned about my health
Moreover, Having asthma, I was never really engaged in rigorous athletic activities.
My teacher seemed to be in a good mood as well, and he told us why. Being one of my favorite teachers who I had looked up to all year, I paid close attention. My favorite teacher was in a good mood as well, and I paid close attention while she/he was explaining the reason of his/her joyfulness
but nothing worth having comes easy. but nothing worthy would be gained easily
I found out that stress cancould cause weight gain, but now that I was free from the burden of all those AP classesbut now free from the burden of all those AP classes, , I could check that one off.
My sister, her husband, and their two kids decided to visit.My sister decided to visit us with her family. Our house isn'twas not very big, and the treadmill iswas in the same room aswith my 3 year old nephew playeding around in. I thought I could exercise when they slept, but being an old treadmill, it was simply too loud. excessive
The rest is almost good; however, it can benefit from more complex vocabulary.
You could remove some sentences in your introduction.
By saying, Asthma follows me since i was a small kid. Even though, it was pretty obvious that my physical performance was obstructed by my lung , however i did not want confess that i am suffering. Since, if i admit, then i will have to go to see the doctor and that was my biggest fear.
