Would anyone be willing to read this and give feedback? It is my first draft and I need some help! Thanks! :)
A few years ago, I had the opportunity to attend High Performance A1/A2 Camp in Greensboro, North Carolina. The camp is designed for elite players, some of the best in the state. Eventually players are selected from the camp to compete for Carolina Region in the annual High Performance Championship. We had to miles to the gym multiple times a day, and played for three hours three times a day. At the beginning of each session, the main coach, Blaine Tendler, would give us an inspirational quote. The one that most profoundly ...
after edits:
Another mile walk to the gym on a hot June day. Black squares and white tape composed the net; two 30 x 30 squares on the floor marked the boundaries of the volleyball court. Three hours, three times a day for five days. It was High Performance A1/A2 Training Camp, designed for elite players, some of the best in the state. At the start of each session, the head coach, Blaine Tendler, gave us an inspirational quote. The one that resonated with me most was "If you don't go all the way, why go at all?"
If you have never played volleyball, then you must not know how sore you are after playing for nine hours a day in a gym with no air conditioning. Each day gets harder, because more lactic acid has built up in your muscles. Our legs burned when climbing stairs and even sitting down became uncomfortable. Bruises covered our bodies. Red patches on our skin indicated floor burn. My high school coach once said that you're not a true volleyball player until you have bruised hipbones. Blaine's words reverberated in my head constantly. I chose to ignore the massive amounts of pain I was in and instead focus more on improving myself as a volleyball player. I ran everywhere, never walked, made sure my toes were exactly on the line when Blaine yelled "Corner up!" and if a ball hit the floor, I did too. When I was asked how I was feeling, I would smile and answer "Great!" even though I was dehydrated and felt as if I couldn't take another step. What I think Blaine meant was that you can't achieve the desired result if you don't push yourself as hard as you can all the time, no matter what you're doing. If you don't push yourself, you only hurt yourself by not reaching your full potential.
Blaine's words never left me even after the grueling camp was over. I carried over what I had learned that summer into the realm of academia. They say the first semester of college is the hardest one because no one knows what to expect. I mistakenly thought that what worked for me in high school would work in college as well. Simply put, I didn't exert as much effort as I could have and ultimately, did not achieve my goal of getting a 4.0. I stubbornly chose to ignore resources such as the Academic Resource Center and the library. It was only recently that I learned what it meant to "go all the way." Essentially, a perfectly good opportunity would be wasted if I didn't try harder. My college education was too good an opportunity to waste. I still haven't gotten the 4.0 that I want. Despite my failure to achieve my goal on numerous occasions, determination promises a 4.0 in the semesters to come. Achieving this goal will take more effort than I ever could have imagined which is why next semester I plan to hit the books harder because after all the books don't hit back.
I really like your essay, especially how you connected athletics with academics!
We had to miles to the gym multiple times a day, and played for three hours three times a day
This sentence doesn't make sense? Did you leave out a word maybe?
Good luck!
I'm not sure but I think you have to add a comma after Eventually in the second line
it hurt so bad that it your legs burn when going up (I would omit the second it)
Especially girls
I really like your essay ;)
Ultimately I fell short of my goal of getting a 4.0 that semester too and even the semester that just passed.
The last part of this sentence sounds a bit off? Maybe rearrange it a bit?
Despite my failure to achieve my goal on numerous occasions, I am more determined each time and am convinced that at least one semester before I graduate , I will get the 4.0 that I want.
Next semester it is my hope that by going to the library everyday , I can strive to push myself academically and get a well-deserved 4.0[/quote]
Just missing some commas in the end, but other than that this is a good essay and I love how you incorporate the quote with academics and sports to show both sides of you. Good job!
Ultimately I fell short of my goal of getting a 4.0 that semester too and even the semester that just passed.
As somewherefun says, this is a bit confusing and unclear.
I am more determined each time and am convinced that at least one semester before I graduate I will get the 4.0 that I want. I am learning that I am not doing everything I can and achieving my goal will take more effort that I ever could have imagined. Next semester it is my hope that by going to the library everyday I can strive to push myself academically and get a well-deserved 4.0.
This isn't critical, but I think in this segment especially, you use a lot of "I ____", and to me it becomes a little awkward. I think even using contractions for some of the cases (I'm, I'll, etc) will make it flow better. Just read it aloud and write what sounds smooth, you don't have to be all formal uptight with the "I am" and "I will". It just sounds a little mechanical if you get what I'm saying...
Thanks for your feedback everyone! I didn't like what I wrote so I am rewriting the whole thing. Will post new one when finished.
Ok I changed it A LOT. Above the latest
Why not start the essay with the quote? I still don't think the intro is as strong as it could be, but I loved your essay. Especially how you tied in your experiences from college to volleyball.
Good luck!!
Actually I was planning to delete the part about grades because I don't think it is an appropriate topic. In fact, I may not even use this essay. I have until March 1 so there's still time to figure it out. Thanks for your suggestion.
