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'Are they going to make it?' - Johns Hopkins #1

omo5031 8 / 33  
Dec 26, 2011   #1
Prompt: Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this application, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

Are they going to make it?" "They just have to..." My ten year old mind thought, glancing at the bedside clock. It read 3am, it was a school night, I have to get up at 5'am tomorrow, but I just couldn't stop.

I was fully captivated with the surgical process of separating the Siamese twins I was reading about in the book "Gifted hands" by Dr. Carson. "Yes, they made it!" I cried with joy, closing the book.

"That's what I want to do," I said to my mother when she called during breakfast. "I want to be a doctor." I said eagerly.

From that moment all I have ever wanted in life is to be a doctor. I derived my passion from the characters of my heroes- the team of doctors who worked with Dr. Carson on that day. The subtle yet courageous measures they took. Very endearing and productive, I want to be like them. I also want to help modify people, change lives and put smiles on people's face.

Five years after reading the book, my knowledge has grown about medicine. Discussing about different diseases with my mother and through researches (internet, medical books) has kept my imagination alive but a lot is still left to be learnt. Through my inquisitiveness about medicine, my passion for biology and chemistry has grown. These majors are my pathway towards medical school.

Inspired by its past product, twenty seven research laboratories and prestigious hospital in close proximity, I believe that Johns Hopkins University will give me an insight and prepare me adequately for the medical field.
(word count:266)

I would really like for anyone to edit my supplement. Any critic is fine by me. It's a little above limit like 16 words, do you think they would mind?
mukhia08 7 / 22  
Dec 26, 2011   #2
its a nice essay, really quite good. but i do think they will mind the excessive words.
yusra12 6 / 24  
Jan 1, 2012   #3
My ten year old mind thought then

I dont really understand what youre trying to say here. I think you should reword the beginning a bit. maybe you should put this directly after the first sentance. Other than that,i think you did a good job=]
dasadhikarik 5 / 10  
Jan 1, 2012   #4
I believe that Johns Hopkins University will give me an insight and prepare me adequately for the medical field.

An insight? As in, just one? Why not change that to many with "give me insights" (Sorry, I have a bad sense of humor this morning)

I don't have much time, but from what I can see, you might try going back over your commas, particularly before prepositions.

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