can I have some thoughts on my essay - thank you for any comments
topic: For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.
Upon personal reflection, it is evident that I live by the term "mores." After attending Hebrew School and Temple since the age of 5, and learning about Israel, I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to visit Israel not once, but twice. I went to Israel thinking it would be fun to hang out with my friends; little did I know it would change my life and my entire outlook. I had read about the destruction of the Second Temple and to me it was more like a myth than reality. When I actually visited the Western wall, a building block of the first and second temple, it really hit that at this place, great and powerful things happened.
It took me two visits to fully understand and to fully appreciate the Western Wall, as I stood before it and all of its history, I began to sob and really feel the fear and despair of that terrible time. I could only imagine the horror of actually watching your place of worship and your community be destroyed before your eyes. The thought was terrifying.
As we continued to tour Israel, climbing Masada, swimming in the Dead Sea suddenly seemed to me a sign of hope and renewal. It was at this moment I knew that this experience had changed me. It was at this moment that all of my existence and all of my years living as a Jew and its Jewish customs really made any sense. I finally understood that this is what has given me character and shaped me into the person I have become today.
Being able to identify yourself with personal customs and tradition, defines not only you, but who you are, your character, as well. I was raised as a Jew by a Jewish mother and a Catholic father. I have grown up in a supporting community, full of traditions, that always pushes you to further your Jewish education. This experience has taught me to be a leader in the Jewish community and has influenced me in my decision to pursue a medical career so that I can further help others and give back to my community.
Going to FSU will only make me stronger, and build my character even further. I will continue to push myself academically to make sure my intelligence will endure. I will continue the religious traditions I have been taught all of my life.
Your description of your trip to Israel is truly effective and expresses you point well while still conveying your passion about it.
The first sentence of your second to last paragraph is redundant. Writing "not only you, but who you are" is unnecessary. You should just say it defines your character.
Your essay is really great though. Good luck with your application :)
I will continue to push myself academically to make sure my intelligence will endure. I will continue the religious traditions I have been taught all of my life.
All of this isn't necessary. It is a bit awkward, too. Your intelligence will endure regardless of whether you push yourself academically. Intelligence isn't changeable by effort. The first sentence is a good way to end the discussion.
Your essay is interesting. It explains a lot about why culture is important, and how it has the impact on us that it does. I've always heard that Appalachian mountain people always return to the mountains. There is something very powerful about place in our psyches, and you are getting at that.
