This is a personal experience essay for the common app or the SUNY Supplement. It's really short. I don't really love it. It's kind of impersonal and boring and I rushed a lot. I know there are a lot of grammatical errors. Any help is appreciated!
I think I'm going to have a panic attack.
I think I'm going to have a panic attack and die right now. Because I'm scared. And the lights are so bright they're blinding, the crowd is louder than my eardrums can stand, and Mrs. P won't stop shouting...
The auditorium is huge. From where I'm standing on stage I can barely see the back wall. I have to squint to see beyond the lights, eyes searching for a familiar face. The seats are all filled up with parents and students, and I cringe because that's even more of a reason to find an ocean and drown in it.
Oh, God! Oh, God! I need to get out of here! I need to turn around and run, with my tail tucked between my legs. I need to hide somewhere where my hands would just. Stop. Shaking.
My best friend grins at me over her conga, and I almost snap at her because doesn't she hear me screaming? Doesn't she see the goose-mountains on my arms and hear that slight hitch in my breath? Isn't she worried that I'm the only one about to completely breakdown? I turn my head and look at the crowd again and see my music teacher.
She is standing, all in white, a smile of pride on her face. Her hair is a bit messy, her eyes a bit wide, but in that moment she is exactly who I needed to see. When I look at her I think of the months of work my classmates and I went through. I think about how frustrating all that practice was, how much pressure we felt because of it. I think about how I can't let all of that go to waste. So I smile back at her, eyes just as wide, heart beating in time with the drum behind me and sing.
I know that I'm a work in progress. I have flaws miles high, insecurities way down deep. I have times when I'm completely into myself, buried in a corner with a book in my hand and headphones blaring. But I also know that when it comes down to it, I can pull through.
I love it, very descriptive, I feel like I'm in your shoes experiencing this moment. I only wish I could know what instrument it was, or who you were playing for, or who you were looking for...I love the mystery but it leaves to many questions for the reader. Great Job!
While I don't know the parameters you're working in, here's my honest opinion:
I feel like I'm reading an online novel. While definitely attention grabbing, it might be too casual/informal. I'm not an admissions officer, but I would respect this more if you proved yourself a sophisticated writer with fancy words.
Also, I agree that you don't show yourself enough in this essay. I think you should expand on the last paragraph -- who are you really? What kind of person do you want the admissions officer to think you are after proving what you can do in extreme situations?
