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"going to prom-a Zombie Prom" - Tulane Personal Statement, experience

writingapps 1 / 6  
Nov 25, 2010   #1
This is the prompt: Using the space below, please write between 250 and 500 words to describe a special interest, significant experience or achievement, or anything else that has special meaning to you or had a significant influence on you.

& I have written the following. I just needed some feedback. Thanks! Feel free to give your harshest criticism if necessary.

I am going to prom-a Zombie Prom.

Being the shy girl standing in the back wall of the class was my daily routine back in elementary school. When I moved back to California from South Korea, my English was incomparable to my peers. I always used the incorrect verb tenses, and spoke with the typical fresh off the boat Asian accent. When my classmates were attending extravagant birthday bashes, I was crouching over my desk at home, studying fiercely for the weekly spelling tests. Overcoming my shyness was deemed impossible.

"Make sure to check which elective you would like to take next year!" Those were the words a student council representative announced as he passed around the course sign-up sheets for middle school. There were five elective choices, none of which I was too ecstatic to enroll in. Without giving any more thoughts regarding those classes, a check-mark for the drama class was drawn and the paper was turned in.

The memory of standing on the blinding stage for the first time to recite a simple tongue twister lingers in my mind. The feeling of everyone's eyes on you, the applause after the performance, and the kind critique from the teacher, I loved every moment of it. I had finally found my niche, and from that day on, I was a thespian.

When the news of the high school theatre department opening their audition to all ages reached my ears, my new-found theatre god urged me to go for it. The result? I was the youngest member in the cast.

Theatre arts and I were joined at the hips like best friends. I was rehearsing religiously-after school, before dinner, and before bed. Being cast in Zombie Prom was the final ingredient needed change my life. When I slithered into my vibrant poodle skirt, I transformed into a different person-a person no one dared to judge. My confidence level boosted, staying silent became almost too hard to accomplish, and I gained friends I can also call my role models. Theatre transformed me into a social butterfly.

However, people around me whispered amongst themselves that it was impossible for an Asian to be in the school's productions. My former self would have crawled into another hole; I was different now. The negatives were tossed aside and I was cast in shows repeatedly. My parts consisted of minor characters, but no role of small in my dictionary.

After all these years, my passion for the theatre arts has not withered. I still get the same butterflies and adrenaline rush when I stand on stage. I am not afraid of expressing myself anymore. I am not afraid.

chalasasha 3 / 5  
Nov 25, 2010   #2
and I gained friends that I am also proud to call my role models.
OP writingapps 1 / 6  
Nov 25, 2010   #3
Thank you so much. Feel free to tell me your thoughts on the essay
TheFreeMason11 6 / 54  
Nov 25, 2010   #4
I think the essay has a lot of potential, but you didn't answer the prompt in the way you need to. Spend some more time describing what about theater is special to you, not how you got into it; especially since that is mostly irrelevant to the essay. Also, really make the ending come out and punch the reader! The way it is now isn't too impressive...

Sorry if I sound a little harsh. I'm in band, and if there's one thing I've learned from music, it's that you can't improve off good criticism. Good luck!
floralcurfuffal 2 / 9  
Nov 25, 2010   #5
Great Idea, but i agree with TheFreeMason11 - you need to focus more on answering the question. You're great at telling stories but in this case thats not good enough :( You didn't describe the significance of the Zombie Prom.. ELABORATE on why and how did it changed your life - that should take up most of the essay .. not so much the events in your life that happened before you were cast in the Zombie Prom.

happy writing!
TheFreeMason11 6 / 54  
Nov 25, 2010   #6
It may be okay to keep some of those events. I would especially put down the part about moving in from South Korea, just cut out the "fluff."
OP writingapps 1 / 6  
Nov 26, 2010   #7
thank you guys for the criticism. they're all appreciated.
I am working on revising them right now. Also, do you think this statement can be recycled in the UC person statement #2? (Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?)
OP writingapps 1 / 6  
Nov 26, 2010   #8
Hello, this is my revised statement now. it's a bit longer than my original. if you have any specific suggestions to which sentences/parts can be cut, please tell me.

otherwise, criticism? suggestions? compliments?
OP writingapps 1 / 6  
Nov 26, 2010   #9
criticism on the new statement please
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Dec 7, 2010   #10
Zombie prom is a very cool theme for an essay...
I wish you could talk at the beginning of the essay about how life was like a zombie prom when you moved back to California from South Korea.

Then, when you participate in the play, it takes on new significance.

vibrant poodle skirt--- I don't know how a skirt would be vibrant... it could be, but I think you would have to tell something about what was vibrant about it; otherwise the word vibrant does not have clear meaning.

Also, I think the repetition is too much here:
I am not afraid of expressing myself anymore. I am not afraid.


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