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"I am going to the United States to achieve my dream" - the world you come from

thongsinoo 1 / 2  
Nov 22, 2010   #1
Here is my UC essay. I don't know if I answered the 1st prompt correctly. Please help me!

I will never forget the moment my father told me he believed in me and that I was ready to live on my own. I knew my life would be much more difficult after leaving my family, but I accepted this challenge in order to follow my dream. As I stood in the airport, I thought to myself, "In exactly 22 hours and 19 minutes, my life is about to change. Yes! I am going to the United States to achieve my dream." My heart was beating so quickly that my entire body began to shiver. I had to muster all of my strength to keep myself from falling.

"Thanks for believing in me Mom, Dad. I'll never let you down."
Standing in line, waiting to board the airplane, I thought about my life and all the things that had happened to me in the past. I was lucky enough to be born into a happy and well-educated family. In my world, everything was perfect. Since I was young I loved drawing and playing with Legos. My parent always encouraged me to draw and be creative in eveything I made. During elementary school, I used to think that when I grow up, I would do a job which allow me to draw as much as I want. However I was still too young to understand what did my heart truly desired.

As my journey through life continued, I started to better understand myself. Since middle school, I have been interesting in looking at all the new buildings and house designs around the city. I found myself impressed by all of these architectural structure. I realized that architecture reflects each aspects of life. Growing up in Vietnam has made me appreciate one of the most basic human needs that architecture provides: shelter. Not everyone in my country could afford a proper house. Somewhere in me, the desire to provide these people with a place to live started to grow larger and stronger. Then I saw an architecture design written on papers for the first time in 8th grade. It was the design of my new house. To me it was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. It was beautiful and totally stunning. At that moment, I decided that I would love to become an architect; I wanted to help design, develop, and build structures that will provide shelter for others.

After one year living in the United States, I returned to Vietnam. The desire to become an architect burned hotter than ever. Seeing the people suffer from poverty and the differences between the two countries, the only question remainded is when I would become an architect? As an architect, I could help Vietnam become a better country where all the Vietnamese be able to have a nice house they can call their own sweet home. As a human being, we all deserve the right to have a place where we can feel safe and happy.

janosaur 1 / 6  
Nov 23, 2010   #2
You did a good job of answering the prompt!

I would work on focusing your essay. The paragraph about you wanting to become a doctor is unnecessary, in my opinion. In fact, I think your essay could be stronger if you discussed your life in Vietnam in more detail; you could provide anecdotes which would enrich your essay and serve as a backdrop for your dreams/aspirations.

Good luck! =)
OP thongsinoo 1 / 2  
Nov 23, 2010   #3
Thank you very much! I see your point. I will rewrite it.
OP thongsinoo 1 / 2  
Nov 23, 2010   #4
This is my second draft. Please be critical.

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