Goizueta Business School's mission is to educate principled leaders for global enterprise. Leadership can move as many as an entire generation or as few as a single individual. On a separate piece of paper, in 500 words or less typed, please describe a situation in which you exhibited leadership.
The PVS Panthers fervently drove the soccer ball down the field and scored point number seven demolishing the opposing Brownsville Road team. The final score was seven to zero, the trophy was ours, and I, their demanding yet agreeable coach, was in euphoria as the Panthers were crowned champions of the entire recreation league for the fifth straight season.
Long before any trophies were handed out or practice drills were run, a decision had to be made if any of this were to happen. When I was in high school I found out that the soccer coach of my former elementary school had become ill, and would no longer be able to coach the team. I thought about the children, many of whom come from difficult backgrounds, and how they would have nothing to look forward to after school, nothing to take pride in. I then thought about how much soccer meant to me when I was their age, not only as a means to exercise, but as a way to escape troubles at home. A few days later I stopped by Pleasant View School and offered my help in coaching the team, "for the kids," I thought to myself. They gladly accepted and gave me a copy of the schedule, as well as the first practice day.
I arrived at the school's field on that balmy spring afternoon at 3:00 sharp, without the slightest idea of what to expect. There I was standing on the field with pumped balls, cones and drinks; not knowing that in the next 45 minutes I would meet kids whom I would be coaching for the next 3 years. The kids arrived, all ten eight year old with different backgrounds and skill levels but with one common goal; winning.
Winning is something we did plenty of during the next 5 seasons, but my relationships with the children did not stop on the field. I became someone they could talk to, someone who could help them with their math homework, I was not only their coach, I was a friend. The team depended on me to give them the tools to be champions, but they ended up giving me the tools I needed to be a champion. Sure I spent many hours drawing up plays, coaching players, and perfecting the fundamentals of coaching (not to mention pumping soccer balls and bringing snacks before every game)but looking back at it all, I feel as if I benefited more than the kids. I now think back to when I decided to take on the coaching position and doing it for the kids, but alas, "this was for me."
This is my first draft, do you think I answered within the prompt? Thanks for reading.
mhusmani
The PVS Panthers fervently drove the soccer ball down the field and scored point number seven(,) demolishing the opposing Brownsville Road team. The final score was(read) seven to zero,(and) the trophy was ours,(.) and I, their demanding yet agreeable coach, was in euphoria(awkwardly expressed) as the Panthers were crowned champions of the entire recreation league for the fifth straight season.
Long before any trophies were handed out or practice drills were run, a decision had to be made if any of this were to happen.(be more clear) When I was in high school I found out(discovered? Use a thesaurus) that the soccer coach of my former elementary school had become ill, and would no longer be able to coach the team. I thought about the children, many of whom come from difficult backgrounds, and how they would have nothing to look forward to after school, nothing to take pride in. I then thought about how much soccer meant to me when I was their age, not only as a means to exercise, but as a way to escape troubles at home. A few days later I stopped by Pleasant View School and offered my help in coaching the team, "for the kids," I thought to myself. They gladly accepted and gave me a copy of the schedule, as well as the first practice day.
I arrived at the school's field on that balmy spring afternoon at 3:00 sharp, without the slightest idea of what to expect. There I was standing on the field with pumped balls, cones and drinks; not knowing that in the next 45 minutes I would meet kids whom I would be coaching for the next 3 years. The kids arrived, all ten eight year old with different backgrounds and skill levels but with one common goal; winning. (The team arrived, consisting of ten eight year olds all with... Despite their differences, they all had one common goal in their young minds; winning.)
Winning is something we did plenty of during the next 5 seasons,(Revise. We did plenty of sounds unprofessional) but my relationships with the children did not stop on the field. I became someone they could talk to,(what's a word for "someone you can talk to"?) someone who could help them with their math homework,(or come to for assistance with their school work) I was not only their coach, I was a friend. The team depended on me to give them the tools to be champions, but they ended up giving me the tools I needed to be a champion. Sure I spent many hours drawing up plays, coaching players, and perfecting the fundamentals of coaching (not to mention pumping soccer balls and bringing snacks before every game)but looking back at it all, I feel as if I benefited more than the kids. I now think back to when I decided to take on the coaching position and doing it for the kids, but alas, "this was for me."
Especially in the second and paragraph seems like you're talking about how compassionate you are, not your leadership skills. Good topic and points but make sure you stay on the topic: leadership. They're not asking how you were changed.
Let's add a comma:
The PVS Panthers fervently drove the soccer ball down the field and scored point number seven, demolishing the opposing Brownsville Road team.
Getting rid of "fervently" makes the sentence great!
...was in euphoria felt euphoric as the Panthers were crowned champions of the entire recreation league for the fifth straight season.
I like this theme: "this was for me." You should add one more sentence to the end of the intro para, before beginning para #2, and make it a sentence that introduces this theme. That way, you it will be really impressive when you come back to that theme at the end.
:-)
@Kevin. I was thinking about taking out the last paragraph since it seems to digress from the prompt and add more about the actual season and how I exhibited leadership. What is your view on that? Thanks
@Natalie. Good point about staying on track with the prompt.
No, I don't think it digresses in a bad way. A conclusion often adds "something extra," a little additional insight that the reader remembers after finishing the essay. I think the ending is nice.
Here is an idea, use a dash:
There I was standing on the field with soccer balls, cones and drinks -- not knowing that in the next 45 minutes I would meet kids whom I would be coaching for the next three years.
