So this is my essay for a uc application. Prompt 2:
"Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?"
So, I'm not sure if this essay fits the prompt or not, I feel like it might be too much of a story, but I wanted to be able to show clearly what happened...would anyone mind helping me out?
Essay:
My Golden Retriever, Bear, and I have been on countless adventures, from the time he became part of the family up to the present, these journeys range from being extremely uneventful to tremendously thrilling. It was one morning, however, that Bear taught me about loyalty, courage, and strength. The air is crisp and the sky clear as Bear and I leisurely ascend and descend the hills of Redlands, until we come upon one mountainous looking hill. I decide that this will make a nice finale to our walk of the morning and start the arduous voyage upwards. The minutes fly by and suddenly we are almost to the top of this colossal mound of dirt and rock. Lungs burning from the frigid air and exertion I sit on a rock and rest while Bear sniffs the ground. From here San Bernardino and Loma Linda can be seen, but not much else because of the smog. Finally, it is time to go home, I get up and brush myself off and start the walk down.
Suddenly the rock that my foot is on falls away and I slip. However, instead of falling I am held up by my wrist, the leash tight around my wrist, with Bear on the other end battling gravity and my weight simultaneously. I can not move because of an intense pain reverberating through my wrist. Nevertheless, Bear still holds on and even starts to pull and tug, despite my cries. At last, I start to move my body and pull myself up, until we are both safe for the moment. Looking at this animal who saved me from more potential harm, I see how wise and incredibly trustworthy he is and I find myself wanting to have these traits reflected in my own personality. To be able to have friends and family who can have the same feelings of security I share with Bear.
Bear's actions that morning illustrated certain characteristics that I now strive to obtain. This experience not only taught me about the importance of vigor and faithfulness, but how one must do what they think is right at all times. Bear demonstrated this when he continued to pull me up despite my yelling. I have learned that you must be true to yourself and your beliefs in order to make a difference in this world.
"My Golden Retriever, Bear, and I have been on countless adventures, from the time he became part of the family up to the present, these journeys range from being extremely uneventful to tremendously thrilling"
Change that to "ranging from extremely uneventful to tremendously thrilling"
" It was one morning, however, that Bear taught me about loyalty, courage, and strength. The air is crisp and the sky clear as Bear and I leisurely ascend and descend the hills of Redlands,..."
Make a new paragraph with the flashback. Confusion ensues when you talk in past tense and suddenly jump into present.
(like this)>>
It was one morning, however, that Bear taught me about loyalty, courage, and strength.
***
The air is crisp and the sky clear as Bear and I leisurely ascend and descend the hills of Redlands,...
...Looking at this animal who saved me from more potential harm, I see how wise and incredibly trustworthy he is and I find myself wanting to have these traits reflected in my own personality.
***
The next sentence "To be able to have friends and family who can have the same feelings of security I share with Bear." is a fragment. Revise it to something like "I learned on that day I wanted to have friends and family.."
"Bear's actions that morning illustrated certain characteristics that I now strive to obtain. This experience not only taught me about the importance of vigor and faithfulness, but how one must do what they think is right at all times"
The fact that you still haven't obtained it may look bad to colleges. Maybe combine it to "Bear's actions that morning taught me not only about the importance of vigor and faithfulness, but also how one must do what one thinks is right at all times"
good luck~~
