I've got a golden ticket! - 'try something new'

A revision on my old essay topic, I would really like feedback, revisions, and a way to end it! I added material from my old essay but hopefully this is more interesting?? If you didn't know me what would you think about me?

Promt: By the end of the college application process, you will have probably written dozens of essays and responded to a multitude of questions. Use this opportunity to try something new.

I rip open the shiny plastic to reveal the creamy chocolate underneath. To my surprise there was another layer, of shiny gold. I pull out the shimmery paper and realize I have won: a golden ticket to any university of my choice! I cannot believe it, but now I have an important decision to make, what university should I choose? I have spent the last four years researching hundreds of universities, but none of them quite compare to Notre Dame. I can hardly contain myself, after all these years I finally get to go to my dream university. It would be a big change going from this Arizona heat to the cold winters up in Indiana, but I was ready to face the challenges ahead...or so I thought. I started to fear I will not fit in, after all I was not the valedictorian or athletic all-star who made the winning goal. I was not homecoming queen the popular cheerleader everyone wanted to be. I was not a national merit scholar, the greatest writer, or the best at history. I started to reconsider if Notre Dame would even want me. Then I realized, Notre Dame is much more than just test scores and grades.

...there was another layer. Curious, I pull a shimmery, gold slip of paper out from under the chocolate bar. It takes me a moment to realize what it is: a golden ticket to the university of my choosing!


I'm not sure if you're still working on this essay or not, but if this is it than you need to think of another way to end it. Add a sentence about how you regain your confidence or you can't compare yourself to others or something like that.