I'm finally happy with my common app essay on the topic Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. Well, mostly happy. My English teacher looked it over today and said he liked it a lot, but I have some issues with the end. He suggested repetition to drive the point home, but I'm not so pleased with it. Any help would be greatly appreciated! Thanks :)
(side note - I took a weird route through our English department at our school, taking a path in between college in the schools english and regular english. As a result, I somehow made it to be a senior while writing no serious narrative essays like this. I'm confident with my writing skills, especially with research papers, but this is something very new to me. I got a 35 on the English portion of the ACT but a 7/12 on the writing because of no essay skills... Keep this in mind!)
Golf Scores
I was raised to be an honest person. My mom and pop don't so much as think about speaking falsehoods or fabricating stories. They have passed these values on to me, and the further I travel in life, the more thankful I am for this. My biggest pet peeve is lying; I simply cannot stand chronic (or even infrequent) liars. Despite all this, one moment stands out in my mind thinking about lying.
During golf season of 2009, I got the chance to play an overnight meet at Eagle Ridge golf course. The weather was awful; we waited two hours to start our rounds after an ice delay. It didn't warm up much as the day went on, and the wind was howling. Simply put, these were miserable playing conditions.
Making the turn, we began play on a long, uphill par four. Gusts of wind blew our bags over, and rendered our attempts at moving the golf ball useless. After collectively scoring high on that hole with the exceptionally fierce wind gusts, someone threw out the idea of knocking a stroke off of everyone's score. The other three members of the group agreed. Feeling slightly intimidated (I was a freshman-they were all juniors or seniors), insecure (I was playing awful), and outnumbered, I kept my mouth shut as the scores were taken.
Throughout the next hole, I couldn't focus. My play became erratic. I couldn't get the thought of signing a false scorecard out of my mind. My chest felt like it had caved in upon itself. After holing out and walking to the next hole, I couldn't go on any longer.
I spoke to the group while we were taking scores for that hole and told them I couldn't cheat. I explained my conscience wouldn't let me do this, and I couldn't even focus on my play.
To my great relief, everyone in the group agreed with me. We then modified our scorecards to reflect our actual scores instead of the incorrect ones, and signed our cards at the end of the day with honest scores and clear consciences.
I received at least one thank you for speaking up about the incorrect scores from every member of our fivesome that day. Looking back, this experience showed me what my values are. Looking back, this demonstrated what I believe in. Looking back, I found out part of who I am as a person through this.My mom and pop don't so much as think about speaking falsehoods or fabricating stories.
This sentence sounds a bit wordy in the beginning. Maybe you could say, "My mom and pop
don't think much about speaking..." .
As for you last paragraph, you need to stop using the phrase "looking back". It makes your essay a bit boring at the end. Try making your last paragraph sound upbeat, so the reader will have an even better impression of your essay.
And for this sentence,
Looking back, this experience showed me what my values are.
explain what your values are again. Even though you mentioned it in the beginning, reiterate those values. This way your essay will sound powerful at the end.
Overall, I really liked your essay. Your experience is something I think that can catch the admission officers attention. Well done! :)
Overall, this has a potential to become a great essay. I would suggest to work more on both introduction and conclusion. Try to do several variants, and then, choose which one you like the most.
Also, what I would do is to write it in present tense. That would make the essay more dynamic and so, interesting. Furthermore, if you will write in present tense, you can include your feelings and thoughts (what's going on in your head :D). This will help the reader to understand who you are.
Please, help me with my commonapp essay :)
Fixed the concluding paragraph. Does it feel complete with this?
I received at least one thank you for speaking up about the incorrect scores from every member of our fivesome that day. I had no idea when stepping foot at Eagle Ridge that day I would learn who I was as a person. Looking back, this experience showed me what my values are. Lying is something I will not partake in nor tolerate, and this memorable day of high school golf reaffirmed this.
"I had no idea when I stepped foot on Eagle Ridge" would be a better way to say I believe.
As for the part "Lying is something I will not partake in nor tolerate, and this memorable day of high school golf reaffirmed this", I'd suggest "soldified this resolution" instead of "reaffirmed this".
These are my opinions however and see if you like them.
Your writng was perfect though and this is a experience defintely worth noting
