Hi! I really need help editing my essay, especially because it's due tomorrow! I've been working on it for a really long time, but I just can't get the flow right. Also, under the common app, I'm debating on whether I should put this as topic of my choice, under the ethical dilemma section, or under the experience that changed me. Please help! And don't be afraid to give harsh criticism!
So here it is:
I never expected to be on a golf course without golf clubs, yet there I was, doing the unordinary on an otherwise typical Friday night. I was with my best friends as usual, yet they were lying in front of me on the tee off of Hole 12.
"Lie down."
"Wait...what?"
"Come on. Lie down."
Instinct told me this was a joke, for they looked very out of place. (As you can imagine, two teenagers lying on a golf course at nine pm is a strange sight indeed). I scanned their faces to determine what their true intentions were, but there was no humor in their eyes. Instead, their eyes were intensely focused on something in the distance. Curious, I plopped down next to them and followed their gazes. I soon realized they were captivated by the sky.
It was so beautiful that night. The absence of clouds allowed for hundreds of stars to twinkle brighter than I had ever seen before. The full moon, with its different shades of white and yellow, was stunning against the dark blackness of the night.
The most beautiful part of the night though, was the serenity I felt. Surrounded by nature and in the close comfort of my best friends, I had never felt more at peace with myself. It was as if I had been transported into a different world, one where I wasn't worrying about my AP Literature paper I still hadn't completed or the chores that were waiting for me at home. As I gazed up at the stars, I could see my dreams and hopes mapped in the consolations. I saw a doctor in a lab, trying to find a cure for Parkinson's disease. I saw a smiling lady, bowing as she received a standing ovation after her solo piano concert. I saw myself.
Suddenly, I felt the pressure of a hand on my shoulder. My meditation was interrupted.
"Tiffany, it's 10 o'clock. We need to go."
On the ride home with cars whizzing by, it struck me that I was back in the fast-paced reality of society where present responsibilities tend to take control of our lives. Before we know it, we lose sight of our hopes and goals for the future. The rush of life tends to be overwhelming, and every now and then, we need to stop and think about what's truly important in life. We need to trust our friends, lie back, and let our dreams play out in the stars. We need to find a place where our lives don't interfere with our dreams, but rather, a place where our dreams lead our lives. I found my place on Hole 12.
Whenever I get the chance, I venture back to the golf course with my best friends. Without hesitation, I lie down, open my eyes, and immerse myself in my thoughts. Every now and then, a shooting star races across the sky, assuring me anything is possible. I just have to keep dreaming.
So there you have it. I hope it didn't suck too much. Please don't copy it or anything like that! Thanks!
I thought that this was a good essay. I think this would go under experience that changed you. :)
Read mine? Thanks.
First of all, try not to use parentheses. Don't try, avoid them completely. It is a formal essay.
This does show that you are a person that knows how to enjoy life and take things easy.
HOWEVER, it does not show who you are as a person such as personalities or traits that you possess.
Change the last paragraph to something about: "This experience has led me to realize..." and list some of your personality traits.
^Even this is a bad strategy. You describe the golf course and sky more than yourself.
This "significant experience" isn't that significant to the admission officers as much as it might be to you. How did it really change your life? How did it impact you as a person?
Thanks so much! I'm still not quite sure how I'm going to edit it though? Any more advice?
look...i did not like it very much ... but on any way u have a one .... try to write another in the few hours left u can write another one in only one hour... think deeply and u will find something that really express u... or u can find someone who influence u ...
okay... thanks!
Can someone else please read my essay as well?
PLEASE. I'M REALLY DESPERATE. IT'S DUE TOMORROW
you mentioned your best friends more than what was necessary. they aren't really all that crucial to the essay other than that they were there with you when you lived this. if you mentioned them and just implied their presence afterwards, I think it would be fine. after that focus on your personality. all I really got from this was that you like sneaking into golf courses after the sun goes down...
I guess I need to choose a different topic and rewrite the whole thing.... :( Hopefully I will be able to write a whole new essay and turn it in by tomorrow....
not necessarily! I liked the fundamental idea, however instead of putting so much detail in the setting, just emphasize on YOU. talking about how you felt prior to laying under the stars. that way your realization makes more of an impact. trust me, I know how you feel about the stresses of it all, but don't be disenchanted! just take it in stride and EDIT EDIT EDIT
Tiffany, do not give up.
Don't listen to what others say about rewriting the essay. Add some details about yourself in the end such as This experience with my friends has taught me the true values of ... I have learned to become a calmer person. To realize in times of anxiety that I still have a bright future ahead of me. I have learned to take two steps forward every time I get knocked back one.
Something along those lines.
Send it to me afterwards. I will make sure to edit it.
Thank you HarvardAccept! I really appreciate your support and advice!
However, I am tired of editing this essay. I have been working on it for many months now, and just can't seem to get it right. I am honestly not a very good writer, and never have been, so this is the best I can do.
If I submit this essay, do you think I will still be able to get into good schools? Such as northwestern, columbia, nyu...
After thinking about it, do you think it's a good idea to put this essay under ethical/personal dilemma? I feel like it answers that prompt as well. Otherwise, I will just put it under topic of my choice.
Hope you had a happy new year!
One last question Harvard Accept!
Do you honestly hate this essay? Or do you think it is okay?
All my friends and family I've shown this too say it's really good, and I feel like most of them aren't giving me their honest opinion...
I think you just need to do some editing on the part you mention about this different world you discovered and relate it to something OTHER than your golf course. For example explain on how you found peace and tranquility through meditation and being around your friends just to get away from your normal life.
