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(Golf course / Mickey Mouse) UVA Supplement & Engineering Essays


ilovemax112105 2 / 2  
Dec 31, 2011   #1
Hi, I just need some help editing these essays! And pointers and constructive criticism is greatly appreciated! I would be more than happy to read some of your essays if you all help me :)

-Engineering: If you were given funding for a small engineering project, what would you do?

Dressed in khakis and an aquamarine Polo, I joined my mother and brother on the lush green golf course. Four! My mediocre golf skills resulted in a tedious lecture by mom and more importantly, five missing golf balls. If I received the proper funding, I would create a retraceable golf ball that can be pinpointed by anyone from any location.

When constructing the golf ball, a miniscule microchip will be placed in the center. This chip will be extremely light, therefore not affecting the depth and drive of the ball when struck by a metal club. Each package of pearly white golf balls also comes with a sheet containing the microchip identification numbers for the respective balls purchased. A portable, handheld scanner, comprised of a large keypad and an image friendly screen, must also be patented to track the microchips placed on the interior of the dimple-redundant balls. By punching in the identification number of the missing ball into the scanning device, a harmless radio frequency is let off to properly calculate the approximate location of the golf ball.

Avid golfers practically reside on the green and the expense of misplacing golf ball after golf ball becomes exceedingly costly. Detection devices have proved both effective and reputable in our loyal canine pets, so this product can be deemed just as successful. Not only will this phenomenon change the perspective of golf players, but also the way that rapidly advanced technology can be incorporated in everyday activities.

-Discuss something you secretly like but pretend not to, or vice versa.

As I flip through a plethora of channels on a crisp, Saturday morning, several television sitcoms catch my eye. A typical female teenager would spend an entire day observing the idiotic, unamusing antics of "Jersey Shore" characters, but I would rather lounge on my comfortable couch while watching rudimentary shows such as "Higglytown Heroes" and "The Backyardigans".

This spectacle sparked my attention two years ago while babysitting my smaller cousin. We were both enjoying a nice bowl of cereal when the theme song of "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse" filled our ears. The song progressed and my head began to move in sync with the rhythm. Throughout the program, a large, Colgate smile plastered onto my face; I had truly forgotten how fascinating talking animated characters could be, despite the repetitive review of basic concepts. My eyes widened and my mouth opened in awe at the conclusion of the thirty minute show; from then on, I knew that I had fallen back in love with Playhouse Disney and Nick Jr., the phenomena that once captivated me at the age of five.

A few weeks later, I had a group of friends over and we vigorously contemplated on what to watch. My recommendation of "something on Playhouse Disney" was immediately ridiculed and eventually shot down. Covering up my true feelings, I laughed harmoniously with my friends as they conversed about how those shows were nuisances and meant for little children; such insensitive comments took a blow to my pride, but I didn't show any signs of frailty. We finally turned to a reality sitcom and never spoke of this again.

My desire to stay in touch with my inner child may be frowned upon by my peers. Despite this fact, such secrets exist among many and therefore, should be embraced.

Thanks so much :)
AbsoluteBliss 5 / 13  
Jan 1, 2012   #2
Just a quick fix: "vigorously contemplated on what to watch"

Otherwise, looking great. Good luck!


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