Need help ASAP, my deadline is quickly approaching and this is the last part of my application.
Directions: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).
I first started golfing around age six. My grandfather would take me to the local practice range when he would visit. He would bring a set of his old clubs that were cut down to fit me. I began golfing only during my grandfathers visits, mainly at the practice range. Eventually, he eased me on to actual courses. During my freshman year I made the high school team. Golf has been a very positive activity in my life because I have been able to see my practice pay off by gradually moving up in the rankings. During my freshman year, I was in the middle of the JV lineup, and, during my junior year I was invited to the varsity team to fill the number three spot. I was offered my varsity spot during my senior year as well, but due to a knee injury, I was unable to compete.
My activity is Golf. I'm not sure if the first 5 statements are really necessary/relevant to the rest of my answer or not. Also I feel like I should explain the reason why golf ended for me after my junior year because of an injury and not that I simply stopped playing but don't have the room. It is 150 words exactly.
I first started golfing around age six .
I began golfing only during my grandfather' s visits mainly at the practice range. Eventually, he eased me on to actual courses. During my freshman year, I decided to try out for the school team.
During my freshman year, I was in the middle of the JV lineup, and, during my junior year, I was invited to the varsity team to fill the number three spot.
I take it you think my beginning is okay? and that I don't need to specify why I stopped playing?
The first five statements give context that is important. You should keep them. You can make more room to mention why you stopped playing by being more concise elsewhere. So,
"During my freshman year I decided to try out for the school team. At the end of the final tryout day, I was informed that I had made the team." could become "During my freshman year I made the school golf team." You can probably tighten up the rest of the answer a bit, too: eliminating a word here and there can quickly add up.
well maybe this might help
i first started golfing at the tender age of six. My grandfather was my first and perhaps my best coach. He would take me to the local practice range whenever he would visit... etc.
well you should get the idea... expand if you have enough room for words.
uhm, your essay is quite confusing, I don't know whether you want to get the attention to golf or influence from your grandfather. Your first sentences talk most about your grandfather, but the last just talks about the golf.
hmm, I think you should focus in one thing: golf or your grandfather?
If you want to focus on your grandfather, you should follow icemaster's suggestion and change your last.
Or if you want to talk about golf, you should change in another way.
Best of luck!
I don't think you need to tell why you stopped playing... the important thing is that, through reading what you write, the reader can see that you have a dynamic personality and great aptitude.
So, keep revising to show that you can write well. Entrance the reader with rhythmic prose.
This essay is a bit tricky to write, because the prompt just asks you to elaborate on a single activity, which you have clearly done. However, the idea is that the essay should tell the admissions officers something positive about you. Your essay doesn't really tell them anything beyond the fact that you like golf and have played it for a long time, something that they could probably have guessed merely from the fact that you chose golf as your activity to expand upon. Maybe you could talk about why you like golf, or what you have learned from playing it?
It's pretty good, I had trouble writing mine as well.
But i don't see your conclusion