This is my NYU dramatic essay. Please give me advice as to whether it's good, bad, needs work, etc. I know that NYU is very fixed on the applicant being able to tell a story so I want to make sure that I took this true life event and made it into an kick butt essay.
God's Purpose For Me
Ok any good or bad reviews bring it on. I can handle it. :-)
The rhythmic hum of the idling engine didn't help to drown out the screams in my head. "Star, get out of the car!!" For the first time in my life panic was about to over take me. I couldn't let it happen, if I did, he would know. He would be able to see the fear and then it would be all over for me. I watched him as he began his trek back towards the car. My mind was racing. I closed my eyes and in that moment a light of hope over took me. I had the answer; I knew what I had to do.
The driver side door swung open and he quickly jumped in. Immediately my body started to quiver. Did he notice? No, thank God.
"You know what, I am in no rush, I can ride back with you to Domino's and then we can go to the club together" I said. Did he buy it? He looked at me with such a sweet face so why, why was my mind and body telling me something wasn't right? Fear screamed at me, "This is not the place for you to be! Get out of the car!" I couldn't understand why my heart was thudding in my ears, or why I was sweating profusely and I didn't care. I trusted myself and my feelings. I knew I had to do get out of the car fast, but it needed to be in front of people. Only then would I feel safe. "Ok" He said, and started the car. We pulled out of the driveway and onto the street. I watched intently at each turn the car took, making sure we were headed in the right direction. He began talking, at first it just sounded like "blah blah blah" because I couldn't pay attention. I was too busy concentrating on where he was driving. I forced myself to listen. He was opening up his soul to me. I could feel his pain when he stated that he never had luck with women because of he was a pizza delivery boy. I stayed calm and talked nonchalantly about how foolish the women were that he dated. I praised him. I told him that he was very attractive and he shouldn't worry about such women. Mean while my life began flashing before my eyes and all the horrible memories of all the bullshit I went through spilled out into my brain. Being thrust into a foster home at age one and then ripped from my foster mom's bosom to be thrust into another foster home at age 8. Eventually doing a round robin and finding my way back to my birth mother at age 10. I wanted to tell him, "Hey buddy, I have had a shitty life too, more so then yours I'm sure. I was abused by my mother who was an alcoholic drug addict. Oh yeah did I mention she sold the drugs she was addicted too. At age 13, I watch a man come into our house and put a gun in my mothers face so he could take her drugs. Or what about this guy, how about being 11 years old, hiding in a closet with your sisters and brothers listening to your mother getting the shit kicked out of her by her boyfriend. Yeah he almost killed her, there was blood allover the house, thank God he took her to the hospital or she would have been dead." I wanted to scream at him, "shut up and stop whining, you're a man for God sake, get over it!"
Civilization started to appear. We were now on the main road. I began to get excited. I could see the beautiful lights of the local stores and restaurants start to emerge in the distance. We were so close to Domino's, I almost wet myself. When he walked into the building to go 'clock out' I quickly jumped out of the car. He seen me through Domino's Glass store front and quickly ran outside. "Where are you going?" "I'm feeling kind of tired now, I don't feel like going out anymore so I'm just gonna go home? He panicked, "I can take you." I played it off, "Oh no I just live around the corner I can walk, seriously it's no problem but thanks anyway, hey maybe will catch up again sometime soon." I walked away as if it was just another regular goodbye. When I got home, I laid in the dark, no sound, no movement, just stiff staring into my mind wondering why I felt the way that I did. I wouldn't find out until 3 months later.
I was working at the pizza shop. During my break I glanced across the front page of the local newspaper. A picture stood out, staring at me. "Hey it's that Domino's guy that freaked me out that night; remember I told you the story." I said to my co-worker Emily. I started to read the article and immediately bile pushed up towards the back of my throat. I fell down on me Knees frozen in realization. I began to rock back and forth and cry like a baby. Emily rushed over to me and hugged me. She asked me what was wrong. I handed her the newspaper and watched her face as she read the article. After reading the story she looked at me and said three words that will live with me forever, "You are blessed."
She was right, and as many times as I thought about taking my life because of the sheer hurt and pain I suffered throughout my childhood. I realized at that moment, God had a purpose for me. But still the realization that I was inches from death really shook me. I could have been that victim they found sliced up into pieces in that black garbage bag at his house. She was young, around my age, and now the cops are pulling parts of her body out from two separate houses in order to identify the victim or victims. I knew something was odd as soon as I got into the car. I trusted my instincts and turned a bad decision into a good one when I allowed myself to remain calm and just use my wit to keep me safe. I vowed to always go with my gut and do so something with my life that will benefit all. Not only would I push for success but I would also volunteer to help make peoples life's better because God spared me so I could help spare someone else pain and suffering. I will never forget that day and whenever I speak about it to people they always confirm what I already know. God has a purpose for me.is it that bad?
Ha ha, no that does not mean it is bad; we just had a mad rush of essays recently, and it was hard to keep up.
careful here: I knew I had to do get out of the
separate allover into 2 words
more so then yours--- than, not then
Oh yeah did I mention she sold the drugs she was addicted
too to. ---- If she was selling them systematically, that means she must have had at least a little control over her addiction! I hope she got better by now; some of the greatest people I have known are the ones who suffered with addiction. I wonder if it is actually necessary to include this part about your rough childhood; it distracts the reader's attention from the real point of the story. If this was a novel, it would be good to include all that, but a short essay like this has to focus on the main idea.
Knees --- no need to capitalize
I think you need a sentence in that first paragraph that tells WHY you needed to get out of the car.
