OK so this is what I have so far. CMU is the top school I'm applying to, and my grades are less than stellar when being considered for a school like this. This is basically my writing style, so I guess the personality can be seen from it. Any feedback on this would be tremendously apprectiated. Thanks to everyone in advance.
Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.
After having just looked over my academic credentials, the admissions officers are probably wondering why someone like me is applying to Carnegie Mellon. It was around the beginning of senior year, when I walked into my AP Phoenix class. Mrs. Creelman had a challenge for us: each of us would apply to our dream schools, no matter what.
So here I am. Putting myself at the mercy of the admissions committee. I'll be the first to admit it, I'm not the perfect student; I'm not valedictorian, I'm not the varsity quarterback, and I don't have a perfect score on the SAT. However, the one thing I am good at, my drive and the one thing that all my future dreams and goals intercede with, is computer science. Computers are my passion, and every minute of every hour that I put into my computer has fueled that passion even more.
My love of computers stems from my childhood. The first computer I ever had ran on Windows 3.1x. The progression from having to type an entire command line to play a game of solitaire, to what technology is now, is unbelievable, and was only made possible by computer programmers. I can only hope that one day I will be responsible for not only reshaping technology, but also the world. Already able to program in C++, C#, Java, XNA, SQL, and HLSL, I'm more than ready to take my education to the next level.
What I expect from Carnegie Mellon U is simple: teach me. Mold my raw potential, dreams and goals into something tangible and viable. Continue where the (in my opinion) best high school computer science teacher, Mr. Bryan Baker, left off. I don't just think of Carnegie Mellon as the computer science school that everyone wants to get into. I view the institution as more of a medium in which the world will be able to understand me, and even help me to understand myself: through computer science. I sincerely believe that the School of Computer Science and the Carnegie Institute of Technology is the best way for me to delve deeper into computers then ever before.
If I were to be admitted into Carnegie Mellon, I would not stop until I made my family, my friends, and the school proud. All that you have seen here are words, written by an aspiring computer scientist. As Andrew Carnegie once said, "As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say, I just watch what they do." Give me a chance to show Carnegie Mellon what I can do. I am proud to say that I'm not the perfect student, because the moment you believe you have achieved perfection, is the moment you stop aspiring for it.
However, the one thing I am good at, my drive and the one thing that all my future dreams and goals intercede with, is computer science.
I don't think you have to include the words "my drive".
The progression from having to type an entire command line to play a game of solitaire, to what technology is now, is unbelievable, and was only made possible by computer programmers.
You might not have to use any of the commas you have in this sentence.
If I were to be admitted into Carnegie Mellon, I would not stop until I made my family, my friends, and the school proud.
You might want to include yourself in this list as well!
All that you have seen here are words, written by an aspiring computer scientist.
You can remove this sentence if you'd like. It might be unnecessary.
Overall, I think you have a good essay. You're voice truly shows through, and that is very important :]
If you have the time, please look at my essay "Into the Light"!
No problem.
was around the beginning of senior year, when I walked into my AP Phoenix class
Did you mean AP Physics?
I think your essay
does have a flow to it. It doesn't have any transition words but your changes are logical.
Your writing is very sincere, and I can imagine your voice coming directly from it.
The only thing is, you might want to change all the contractions like "I'll" and "I'm" to whole words since it is supposed to be basically a formal essay.
Anything else you're wondering about?
! I've got another of my essays I would really like you to look at. It's called "The Eighth Grade Science Fair". The deadlines are coming up soon and I know it still needs improvement! Thanks in advance :]
Hi, I'm a Carnegie Mellon student, and here's my input
- Explain AP Phoenix, or use a different term (my second class of senior year). I've never heard of it.
- Take out 1-2 of the 'I'm not's. The essay is short, use up to 3 negatives.
- So you're good at computers and programming... you haven't explained:
--if it was from school or your own initiative
--what kind of projects you did (a game you wanted to make, for example)
--MOST IMPORTANT: what you'd like to do with technology someday. Make it some great, glorious contribution to society
--Finally, concede more in the "teach me" part. You want to do X with technology someday, you know you have miles to go, you see Carnegie Mellon does that kind of research.
- A CS professor would not say you "program" with SQL. Use a different verb for SQL and a 3rd verb for HLSL, whatever fits.
- "to play a game of solitaire, to what technology is now, is unbelievable, and"
Remove the 1st and 2nd commas in that phrase. Also, if it's alright, call your teacher "Mr. Baker" and remove the "(in my opinion)".
