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"I'm a good friend" without saying it. MIT Admissions Essay on my contribution to my community

abhavsar 4 / 7 1  
Oct 30, 2016   #1
Prompt: At MIT, we bring people together to better the lives of others.

Essay: I'm in my AP Physics C class, and as the teacher is explaining the solution to a problem, my friend sitting beside me says he does not understand anything. I can see why the teacher's solution is a bit counter-intuitive, so in an effort to provide the most detailed, comprehensive solution, I go home and write this solution, with diagrams and all statements numbered so my friend can tell me which statements or sentences are confusing. After I spend some time discussing the problem, he finally says, "I get it." Not only that - he is able to solve a very similar problem to the one I just explained.

I am willing to invest time in explaining a problem because I hope to ensure that others understand concepts just as well as I do. That way, more people can be as successful as I am in the class. When my friends tell me they are bad at a subject, I simply push them to perform at the best of their ability. I tell those who have fixed mindsets that they can improve if they stick with a problem until they are able to solve it on their own. I also encourage them to continually ask questions until all those questions have been answered so that no concept is unclear or confusing.

Ultimately, my belief that others can be successful if they persist drives me to motivate other members of my community to persist until they are successful.


In this essay, I basically wanted to explain how I'm a good friend without actually stating "I'm a good friend"; I wanted to imply that. Any help would be gladly appreciated.

cb8156 5 / 9 4  
Oct 30, 2016   #2
The second paragraph is good in that it does describes your willingness to help others. However, I don't think your last sentence really concludes very well. I definitely got the "good friend" message; however, that last sentence does not promote the "good friend" message. The essay I feel is showing how you are a good friend and helpful in the classroom, but it does not focus on the community. Maybe instead of saying community, you could say friends or in the classroom, just to make it more relevant to your overall topic.

Also, your first paragraph is a little dry and objective. This is your friend you are talking about. Instead of trying to impress the readers with your use of language such as the word "counter-intuitive", try to appeal to the readers' emotions and how you genuinely care about your friends' success, and that is why you dedicated your time to helping them. Maybe describe the situation in a bit more detail to bring out that emotional appeal.
dils 20 / 33 2  
Oct 31, 2016   #3
Hi Arnav,

Here some suggestions for you.

my friend was sitting beside me said that he did not understand anything.

After spending some times discussing the problem,....

I have a willingness to invest time in explaining a problem because I want to ensure that the others understand concepts as well as I do.

Over all, the other suggestions may related with how you organize your idea, how your answer truly respond the task, and how to make the flow become smooth. You may also notice the coherence from each paragraph that you write.

Good luck.

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