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What is the good life? Describe your notion.


jonroman1 1 / -  
Oct 7, 2014   #1
Prompt:
We often hear the phrase "the good life." In fact, the University of Florida's common course required of all undergraduate students is titled "What is the Good Life?". The concept of "the good life" can be interpreted in many different ways depending upon the experiences, values and aspirations of each individual.

In a concise narrative, describe your notion of "the good life." How will your undergraduate experience at the University of Florida prepare you to live "the good life"?

Essay: <START> I can still see it; I can still see his face: a face which days prior, was warm and full of joy; a face that could make anyone smile. A face that now only brings tears to my mother's eyes. A face that is now emotionless and cold, so very cold. It is the last image of the last memory I have of my brother, to which there will be no new memories, no new fun times to reminisce when we get old and visit each other on the holidays. The possibilities that lay in front of us just days before have all but vanished. It was all that was scurrying through my mind as I helped the pall-bearers carry him to his final resting place. All I have now to carry around is that last image of that last memory. But such a memory, that it now allows me to analyze my experience and find my own solution to the age-old question "What is the Good Life?"

Given the very short time on Earth, people strive to achieve their own unique version of the good life. Before you can achieve the good life, you must define it. In order to define it, you must define what it is not. If you were to ask my 13 year-old self "What is the Good Life?" you would have received a distorted answer along the lines of "obtaining wealth." The distorted part was not the answer itself, but my definition of wealth. What it meant to me then was no more than simple cash, cold hard money, but what it means to me now is far beyond that. What it means to me now is happiness. Not the fake-it-until-you-make-it kind of happiness, but the happiness that is bought with the acceptance of what you cannot control. The happiness that is bought with a career you love. To reach such happiness, I must first let go of the things I cannot control. I must accept the fact that I cannot control the randomness that is Gainesville weather, the traffic that is Archer Road, and more importantly, whether or not I get accepted into your University. The first half of acceptance I must complete on my own, but the second half is where the University of Florida will prepare me.

I must find a career that I love and if my current interests are of any help, the career would be in Microbiology. Such a topic fascinates and moves me to learn more of it and makes me question why so few Universities have it available as a major. It is what I wish to further my education in and one day, make a living in. Just the idea of researching and developing products that could help people overcome diseases and completing courses such as Immunology under Dr. Joseph Larkin just overwhelms me with happiness. This kind of happiness, true happiness, is what is needed to achieve the good life. <END>

Hello! I just joined this amazing website. It would be awesome if anyone would nit pick my essay and give any tips on it. I'm not to sure about the opening paragraph only because i don't really mention what i bring up later in the essay. If you think i should change anything please let me know. Also, I don't entirely feel confident that my essay fulfill the requirements to be considered a narrative so any feedback on that would be great. Thanks!
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 7, 2014   #2
To reach such happiness, I must first let go of the things I cannot control. I must accept the fact that I cannot control the randomness that is Gainesville weather, the traffic that is Archer Road, and more importantly, whether or not I get accepted into your University. The first half of acceptance I must complete on my own, but the second half is where the University of Florida will prepare me.

Jonroman, you wrote a very good essay. The problem is that your paragraphs are disconnected. I do not see the connection between the death of your brother and your earlier self idea that money is happiness. What did strike me though, was your definition of "the good life" as being happiness through acceptance. I firmly believe that you should concentrate on developing the aforementioned part of your essay while eliminating your first two paragraphs.

I would also advise you not to discuss your admittance into the school at this point because that is not required. What the admission officer wants to read about here is your understanding and personal definition of the good life. If it means happiness by accepting things you cannot control, then find a way to connect it to the death of your brotherr. Did your mother eventually find happiness in his death? Did you? Or was acceptance the only way to become happy? . Once you find the connection, the prompt will have been successfully answered.
sa1na 9 / 72 19  
Oct 7, 2014   #3
and more importantly, whether or not I get accepted into your University - this is like a slap in the face. :)) Why so angry and straightforward?

The parts related to your brother or acceptance are perfect when alone. But for this essay, they make your essay diggress from the primary point.
bertcylau 2 / 3 1  
Oct 7, 2014   #4
It'll be good to add in more vocabulary and make sure the sentences flow smoothly with each other.
maryailt 4 / 10 1  
Oct 8, 2014   #5
I couldn't understand the relationship between your brother's death and definition of good life. I think it's a unclear in your essay.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Oct 8, 2014   #6
Well, you write well. Here, I just want to make sure that you should form a line with the prompt so as to prevent off-topic. As it can be seen from this prompt, you are asking to define "the good life" in terms of

experiences,

values

and

aspirations

. If I were you, then I would construct those aforementioned points in different paragraphs so that I can emphasize the need for the prompt. .
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 8, 2014   #7
I can still see it; I can still see his face: a face which days prior, was warm and full of joy; a face that could make anyone smile.

You did a great job with this.. I sense that you are the kind of talented writer that tends to write too much because you are good at it. So it is important to edit out the 'extra' content. For example:

I can still see it; I can still see his face... ---- Even though it all has that feeling of inspiration, I notice with my own inspired pieces of writing that I can always improve it by editing out some of it after it has been written.

I can still see his face -- a face which, days prior, was had been warm and full of joy; it was a face that could make anyone smile. --- I edited this for semi-colon and comma use.

Use the rule called 'number agreement' here:
people strive to achieve their own unique versions of ...

No need to capitalize the word when it is used as a common noun:
so few u niversities...

Well, I don't know what to say about the loss of your brother. There is no consolation for something like that. Be strong for your family, and stay focused on this 'good life' idea. You did a great thing by showing the reader that your plan for a good life is connected to the decision to enter this program for microbiology; the reader will feel compelled to open doors of opportunity to you because you have a clear vision of what you intend to do.

I still think you could add a sentence that succinctly expresses why microbiology can lead to the good life and what is a good definition for 'the good life'.


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