Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 2

No Goodbye - I had to accept the inevitable occurrence and move on with life - Commonapp


Allotey 1 / -  
Oct 23, 2014   #1
Looking so motionless and very lifeless, he lay on the hospital bed .I

scanned him from head to toe and could not even realize a single

movement in his muscles. He was dressed in his deep blue working

gear. The gear that had suffered in every way I could think of. It had

been randomly blackened by sparks from the wearer's welding machine

.It sides had been frayed by my constant washing. With big and puffy

eyes which were conspicuous even though I was bespectacled, I cried

out again. I felt my heart crying out also, as if it had given up its

function because what motivated it was now gone. I knelt down by his

hospital bed and, with a shaky voice, whispered into his ear, 'We love

you father! Why do you have to leave us so soon?'

My mother, sobbing uncontrollably, held my left hand and told me,

'Everything would be alright'. But that was not enough! That was just

not enough to relieve me of this pain .It rather pierced my heart so

deeply, I could not control the emotions that were developing within

me .I had just lost my dad. My earthly father! Somebody who had been

my inspiration since I knew what the word really meant .I felt as if all

my dreams - to study abroad; in a more developed country, to be a

mathematics teacher and to formulate Mathematical formulas like

Professor Francis Kofi Ampenyin Allotey - were gradually becoming

more like a mere dream to me.

That day- January3, 2014-was really life changing. It had been a month

after this event happened and I was preparing for the Secondary School

Certificate Examination. When the tragedy happened, I thought I could

not excel in the examinations because everything that happened was

all coming back to me every day of my life. I almost gave up. I had had

enough of all the family quarrels over my father's properties, his

working tools that brought him into memory and the discouragement

these brought to my future aspirations. Skimming through my

Mathematics Notebook, I arrived at some inspirational quotes I had

written in the book a year ago-I had considered one each month and

reflected on it. For the month of February the quote was supposed to

be "Things turn out the best for the people who make the best of the

way things turn out"-John Wooden. "Hey, teenager! How come you

forgot to consider the quote for this month?", I told myself.

And I can honestly say, this quote caused a turning point in my life. I

had to restructure some part of my life-the way I viewed life. I had to

look at it with a different perspective. Losing my father came as a shock

to me, but that was not an excuse for me not achieving my dreams. I

had to accept it as a challenge and forge ahead. Making the best of the

way things turn out-and especially in this situation-has been really

helpful and has had an impact in my life. I remember when my friends

used to ask me why I don't talk about my father again. This kind of a

question really rekindled some bitterness in me. I either had to deviate

their focus or ignore them- which usually caused a feud. I was afraid to

say he was alive, fearing that they would find out sooner or later and I

was also cautious to say that he was gone since their condolences could

cause a flashback of painful memories. But now, making the best of the

way things turn out, I had to accept the inevitable occurrence and move

on with life!

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Oct 23, 2014   #2
randomly blackened by sparks from the wearer's welding machine

This is great writing, above.. I like it!

The gear that had suffered in every way. I could think of . --I'll simplify it so it packs a harder punch.

Here is another place where you can simplify to make it clearer and more powerful:
That day- January3, 2014-was really life changing. It had been a A month later, after this event happened and I was preparing for the ...----The parts I removed are not helpful for conveying your idea to the reader. The date is not helpful, I mean. So I think it's best to simplify like that.

I think you can end this in a better way. Instead of saying, 'I can move on', I think you have something much more meaningful and important to say. Maybe if you read the essay again you'll see that your real 'message' to the reader is something different. : )


Home / Undergraduate / No Goodbye - I had to accept the inevitable occurrence and move on with life - Commonapp