Hello, can anyone give me some corrections and comment to my short essay for Brown Supplement?
Thanks.
Topic: Please tell us more about your interest in Brown: why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply?
When I caught sight of the pictures of Brown University, I was deeply impressed by the gothic red architectures there. Meanwhile, "holy" and "freedom" were the two words suddenly emerging in my mind. The school motto,"In Deo Speramus", together with...
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After edits:
Physics has greatly improved the development of human civilization since the era of Aristotle, which helps us to unveil the enigma of this planet and launches us into a highly technological society. From the discovery of Galileo and Newton, to Maxwell equations and Einstein's theory of relativity, Physics brings us excitement on the mystery of universe and satisfaction on producing more power for a growing population while reducing greenhouse emissions and a dependence on oil. It is a subject which is a perfect combination of abstraction and visualization. By learning it, I can gain deep understanding of the nature and develop a working style in pursuit of accuracy and prudence. What's more, I will master theoretical, experimental, and especially conceptual skills that are indispensible in both subsequent learning and future life. Therefore, I would like to pursue my academic interest of physics in Brown University and make contributions to science as well as the human-beings.
I really love how you use a specific quote from a Brown professor and focus in on your favorite subject and how it will tie into your studies at Brown. I might start the answer with a combination of the second and third sentences, because the opening sentence you're using now is very generic - everyone will mention Brown's amazing architecture but you want your answer to stand out and capture attention so focus on something more meaningful. You could also try to transition into "Physics is my favorite subject..." a little more, because it seems kind of sudden after talking about the architecture of the school for the beginning of the answer. I really love and was engaged by the last couple of sentences, but I would take the "Besides," out of the second-last sentence...it just doesn't seem to fit!
Amazing job, really captivating writing! Good luck, and these are just my opinions :)
Haha， thanks very, very much for your opinion!
Anyone!!! Please give me some comments on the following short answer for Brown:Why are you drawn to the academic fields you indicated in the Anticipated Degree and Academic Interest questions above?
Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cut out the not-so-powerful parts:
Physics has greatly improved the development of human civilization since the era of Aristotle, which helps us to unveil the enigma of this planet and launches us into a highly technological society. From the discovery discoveries of Galileo and Newton to Maxwell's equations and Einstein's theory of relativity, Physics brings ...
By learning it, I can gain deep understanding of the nature and develop a working style in pursuit of accuracy and prudence. What's more, I will master theoretical, experimental, and especially conceptual skills that are indispensable in both ...
Awesome.. this reflects a very high level of intelligence, and I think the reader will judge you favorably! How about writing a little more about your specific plans?
