So, this essay doesn't have a word count limit, but I feel that I shouldn't go past 800ish. It's really long and I'm having trouble cutting parts out. Any comments would be GREATLY appreciated!!
1. Most high school seniors are unsure about eventual career choices. What experiences have led you to consider medicine as your future profession? Please describe specifically why you have chosen to apply to the Program in Liberal Medical Education in pursuit of your career in medicine. Also, be sure to indicate your rationale on how the PLME is a "good fit" for your personal, academic and future professional goals.
"Grace, whatever you want to be, do it for God and to serve others." Since I was little, I was raised to be a "serving leader"-someone who could fight bravely in the frontlines, but also one who was wise and humble to do the "dirty work". Blessed with parents who wanted me to see the big world, I developed my passion to serve others through service trips to Thailand, Kenya, and Korea where I taught English and distributed supplies. Seeing these children who could never even begin to dream of my life in the USA, I had vowed to help provide healthcare around the world. When this passion met my love of public speaking and foreign policy through MUN, I knew I wanted to study both international relations and medicine. I'd never ask doctors and nurses to commit to working in impoverished nations without working alongside them with skills of my own, nor did I want to wait for others to realize the severity of the healthcare issue. To some, I may seem naïve for wanting such an ideal world, but then again "Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars".
Right now, it is at 1,084 characters and I need 1000. Can someone help me cut things out? I've been staring at it for a while and couldn't find anything to cut without making it sound awkward. thanks!
"Grace, what do you want to be?"
"A doctor, daddy. I wanna ( I used this to sound childish.. should I just use "want to"?) go to Africa and make them healthy." responded a 6 year old me.
I think you should cut this part out.
I have always dreamed to be a doctor, and even as a young girl, I knew that pristine white halls and a white lab coat embroidered with my name wasn'twas not what I wanted. What I pictured was a small hut, a humble place where anyone and everyone can come to receive treatment-not only for the physical body, but for their lifeThis is awkward. Would "overall wellness" or "total quality of life" be better? (sounds awkward, no?)-a place that people can genuinely call the "happiest place on earth" without a hint of doubt.The line that starts... "a place..." is not necessary because you already made your point.ThatThis dream [?] was all I looked forward to--everything I did was to go toget into medical school.to become a doctor who would be different from others- I wanted the change the world.
Take that last sentence out - it gives the wrong impression. It's not a bad idea to include it worded differently, more simply: "At the time, I did not understand the hard work and dedication required.
Keep this idea, but be more concise. The reviewers are not looking for the most creative wordsmith. They read hundreds of these essays. Writing simple and clear will help your essay stand out. It will help you cut down the length too!
Looking at the mountain of work and effort, my eyes and heart began to wander towards different career opportunities. When people asked me, "Grace, what do you want to be when you grow up?", my lips barely mumbled, "a doctor". I was appalled at the transformation within me-I had always been able to clearly answer with such strong determination, but now, it couldn't be helped, it was just too much work to handle.
This is the turning point. The event that confirmed your desire to study medicine. Again state it more simply... "In (date/year) or When I was (age) I had the opportunity to visit (name of hospital) in Southern Thailand.
Now, this place was an abandoned building hidden behind the overgrown unkempt trees. Shattered medicine bottles and rusty beds were cast aside in the hundreds of patient-rooms. I would later learn that this building that had once served hundreds of thousands of people now was the graveyard of two nurses-two American women who had been kidnapped by extremist rebels while helping several patients. They had been reported as missing and were forgotten until their bones and clothing were discovered in an abandoned storage unit? close? three years later. Their remnantsremains were brought back to the hospital (which hospital? One in the US or the one in Thailand?) where they had worked and given a small burial. As my team Your team? At the top of the paragraph, introduce why or who you were with so "team" makes sense. and I began to pull out the weeds that had grown on the two small mounds marked with haphazardly constructed crosses,You can save yourself some words by saying this more simply. I realized with despairA bit awkward. Does it make sense to say you were shocked or saddened? at how small their graves were. Anyone could have passed by the graves without ever realizing that they held the bodies of two of the most brave and passionate women in the world. But a few minutes later, I realized how foolish I was-it wasn't the recognition that they needed, their passion and love to serve others couldn'tcould not be measured by human standards-their work would be engraved in the hearts of the patients that they have served and that was enough.
Maybe start with "I learned that" To truly serve others, you didn'tdo not need that star report card, or THEthe enviable resume that would be envied by others . Those were meaningless if you didn'tdid not have passion to start. Before, I had believed that grades and the facts were what I needed to fulfill my dream and that a passion without substance was meaningless. But I had gotten it wrong. It was only when I had passion that I would be able to achieve everything else. Without the heart to serve, the determination to achieve a goal, it was the report cards strewn with A's and a glowing reputation that became worthless.It was then that I knew:During my time at the x Hospital I wanted to be the one who would rebuild this hospital and train the medical personnel to make sure that this place would be bustling with patients and doctors. It'sIt is a bit different from the hut in Africa that I had pictured as a six year old, but it would be a start. I vowed that day that this hospital would have the grandest re-opening as possible and that through this hospital, thousands of Thai citizens would be able to once again receive the medical care and a chance at true happiness as they share their stories with other patients and staff members and truly form an unforgettable family. It would be a place where anyone can come and receive a bit of peace to settle their minds and hearts so that they would be able to restart their lives with a whole new outlook on life, and the determination to bring a similar experience to others.
With this new dream, I threw away all the times of hopelessness and uncertainty awaymy uncertainty was gone . I wantedto build a career based on the United Nations was the "icing on the cake." (hmmm.. that's what I mean.. but I know I SHOULDN'T use this.. any suggestions?)
Starting below you want to change to present tense... "Rather than becoming a doctor who specializes in one area of medicine, I want to train and teach doctors as well as...
Rather than becoming a doctor who specialized in one area of medicine, I wanted to become someone who can train and teach doctors as well as inform the international community of this healthcare crisis. Every conference I go to, delegates use so many tragic statistics in their speech without understanding the reality, the "heaviness" of them. Multitudes of organizations around the world stay unused because of the piles of documentation that they have to go through. I want to be able to have the knowledge in both worlds of medicine and international relations/politics and bring the two together. If this can work, I believe that not only the hospital in Thailand that I've seen would be revitalized, but countless medical centers can be opened around the world. Burning with passion for this new dream of mine, I began to look at different ways that would help me take my first steps to achieving it. But despite much research, I was dismayed to learn that so few universities were willing to help students bring the two majors together. When I explained my dream to others, many shook their heads and told me to settle for one of the other. "It's hard enough with one of those majors and you want to do two? Stop being greedy and just pick one. What do you think you are, Superwoman?" (I think that this whole section can be reduced, but I wasn't sure how.)But it was in the middle of this roadblock that I came upon Brown's Program in Liberal Medical Education.
ItsBrown's unique program in Liberal Medical Education will allow me to focus my studies on medicine and international policy through opportunities like the Foreign Studies Fellowship Program.unique offer to assist students who were willing to do the work and explore a different field in addition to medical school was perfect for what I wanted to do. Something clicked in my heart and I knew that PLME's 8 year medical program and its various programs such as the Foreign Studies Fellowship Program that offers students experience a fusion of international studies and medicine abroad. As a student, I know that I can benefit from experienced and friendly counseling as well as flexible scheduling so that I can truly learn what I want. Offering a unique education that cannot be compared to that of any other university-a completely open curriculum without general education requirements-Brown has been a school that has captured my heart. I believe that my dream that seemed so different and challenging to others can be fully achieved through the likewise (similarly??) unique and challenging Brown University.
Someone once said that "Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." I believe that with the PLME program at Brown I would be able to achieve this perfection as I give every part of myself into this passion to serve those around the world needing critical medical care. I want to give until I have nothing left, and even if my burial would be as simple as those of the two nurses, I know that my work will stay with the hearts of whom I have served. I might not have much else, but one sure thing that I do have is passion and determination, and I know that these will help me achieve the perfection necessary with the continued assistance from Brown University.
This is good. You can cut down on the length by avoiding too much language - students have a tendency to want to impress by overly descriptive writing. The real gem is your story - you had a dream, felt discouraged, had a real life experience that changed you and now your pursuing your dream because of that experience. This is exactly what schools are looking for. It seems that your trip to Thailand was a service trip. If so you should mention that because it will tie in nicely with your larger theme of service. Good luck!
thank you so much mpoper!
I will revise it ASAP!
What I pictured was a small hut, a humble place where anyone and everyone can come to receive treatment-not only for the physical body, but ratheralso (the not only but also rule) , for their total quality of life. (add period) I wanted the change the world, but, at the time, I did not understand the hard work and dedication required. At the age of 13, when I realized all the work needed to achieve my dreams and my confidence quickly dissolved away.
Looking at the mountain of work and effort, my eyes and heart began to wander towards different career opportunities.
Without a definite goal or dream, I was lost*
But without that, Ifelt lost* (instead of lost use a new word) . Hoping to gather my senses and to also keep a previous promise to myself, I went to Thailand to teach English to natives with a group of college students during the summer of my freshmen year.
But a few minutes later, I realized how foolish I was-it wasn't the recognition that they needed, their passion and love to serve others could not be measured by human standards-their (if you use an interrupter such as a dash,the sentence should flow before and after the dash. "I was..their" does not work work would be engraved in the hearts of the patients that they have served and that was enough.
It is a bit different from the hut in Africa that I had pictured as a six year old, but it would be a start.(I think 6 years old is a bit too much to be thinking about huts/saving people etc.. maybe make it "when i was young"- just an suggestion
I believe that my dream unique and challenging Brown University. (?????)
The anecdote when you went to Thailand can be shortened and I think it'll be the easiest part for edit. Otherwise, there are just some grammar errors etc. The story and your dream to help people is very inspiring. But I feel there is something lacking. Like ... why do you want to save these people and how. Be more specific. Good luck!
Grace, whatever you want to be, do it for God and to serve others." From early on, I was raised to be a "serving leader"-someone capable of fighting bravely in the frontlines and digging in with humility as needed. Blessed with parents who encouraged grandly, I developed my passion to serve others through service trips to Thailand, Kenya, and Korea where I taught English and distributed supplies.
A lot more can be cut.
I agrre with mustafa-try to keep unneccessary points out
Seeing these children
remove these, it sounds kinda like you are uninterested bt u just writing about them
thank you...
I do think it sounds a bit better and I will take out the "these".
One more thing,
do you think I should add the quote or would it sound too cliche? I tried looking for a different quote because this one is too common, but couldn't find any...
any ideas?
I think that the quote is good, but it could really be shortened. Maybe try using something that your parents always tell you? If you cant think of one, make one up or do a version of a saying.
