'Grade 8 Camp leader' + 'Fundraising' - UBC admission essays

Hi, I was wondering if anyone could critique my essays

Describe your most significant leadership experience. Why do you consider this your most significant role? (maximum 200 words)

My most significant leadership experience would have to be Grade 8 Camp leader. When I signed up I was skeptical about being chosen; I was worried because it was my first year at the school. I thought if I were to get chosen, my goals would be to create a broader network of friends and improve my leadership skills. Luckily my socials studies teacher at the time was the coordinator of the grade 8 camp, and that he told me I was picked because I had shown great promise. During the first day of school back we had to show the new grade eights their new school. I had to prevent the group of grade eights from going out of control, but at the same time learn their names and gain their trust. I learned that in order for a leader to succeed is to show confidence and toughness in order for people to listen and follow. As camp came along, I became friends with everyone on the committee. I consider this my most significant role because I felt that I had provided the grade eights a memorable camp experience with my outstanding leadership skills I learned along the way.

Tell us more about one of the activities you listed above, explaining what your goals were, what you did to pursue them, the results achieved, and what you learned in the process. (maximum 200 words)

The activity listed above that is currently helping me achieve my goals would have to be activity 2 (grad committee). My goals to achieve while I am in the grad committee is to fundraise as much money possible in order to decrease the costs of certain things- like prom tickets; however, I also want to gain leadership and life experiences through coming up with fundraising ideas and executing them with the help of delegating or working independently. During december, the grad committee had to brainstorm ideas that could help raise more money. I suggested to use polaroid cameras and have a "Picture with Santa" at school. I was to calculate the costs and such to execute this event. It went perfectly and we raised hundreds of dollars. What I learned from this process is that if you want something really badly, you have to step up to the plate and take initiative. You have to take on responsibly and meet deadlines so that you won't disappoint others; that is what leadership is really about.

Hi Nicholas,

Your essay is brief enough and that is a blessing. (word limit is my biggest problem. i need help)
However, I suggest you should try to paint a picture of what you want the dean to know about you. The first part of your essay makes me view you as one who was a bit unaware of your potential or rather you did not believe in yourself enough yet the fact that you took the chance to apply in the first place...

You are making it seem like your teacher kinda favored you not that you really qualified.
am sorry to say this but i actually think the part of how you were chosen is quite irrelevant or maybe you can manipulate it in a way that you talk about how you learned that taking risks is worthwhile or how you learned that one age is not a factor that should limit one's desires/ dreams.

(am commenting about the first prompt.)
I hope this helps

oo ok, wow that makes so much sense thanks!

can anyone else see if I should change anything in my second paragraph?

The activity listed above that is currently helping me achieve my goals would have to be activity 2 (grad committee).

My goals to achieve while I am on the grad committee is to fundraise as much money possible in order to decrease the costs of certain things- like prom tickets.

H owever, I also want to gain leadership skills and life experiences through coming up with fundraising ideas and executing them with the help of delegating or working independently.

During D ecember, the grad committee had to brainstorm ideas that could help raise more money.

I suggested that we use polaroid cameras and have a "Picture with Santa" at school.

I was to calculate the costs and such, to execute this event.

:)

THANKS susan : )